A man with Conservative Weenis Dwarfism./Image: Licensed Adobe Stock.
My name is Dr. Angela Whitman, and I’m a contributing writer here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). In this week’s Wellness column, I want to bring to light a serious medical issue that gets swept under the right-wing “Oriental rug” too often: Conservative Weenis Dwarfism (CWD). It’s serious, but there is help out there, and you’re not alone, right-wing men. Here’s how to know if you have it, and how to get help for it, too. I want you to know about this condition, but I also need you to promise me, my male, small-phallus-having readers, that if you pursue treatment for CWD, you will remain conservative! We can’t lose any more of our own!
What It Is
A recent study by the Heritage Foundation in collusion with—er, cooperation with—the Family Research Council—found that men who identify as conservatives, as members of the Republican party, or part of the right wing of American politics on average have penises three inches smaller than men who do not identify as such.
“Small penis size is associated with misogyny and homophobia, which often presents medically as affiliation with conservative politics, because those with smaller penises feel inadequate as ‘men.” They often have a sense that they must compensate for that perceived inadequacy by being…well, dicks to women and the LGBTQ in particular. It’s like Napoleon Syndrome–but for men’s junk,” said Orrin Batch, the lead researcher on the study.
Dr. Brooke Menighan is a clinical psychologist based in Santa Rosa, California whose practice specializes in treating Alt-Right men. She recently published a survey of men with conservative political tendencies and their physical anatomy in The Journal of Reactionary Medicine.
“Men with self-identified conservative leanings more often support restrictions on women’s right to abortion, want to limit women’s access to contraception, oppose marriage equality for gay and lesbian couples, and they’re more likely to oppose equal rights for the trans community. And, yes, they on average have penises that are five inches or smaller when flaccid than their liberal-minded counterparts,” Menighan said.
Men with liberal political leanings, on the other hand, have nothing to prove and feel that they’re adequate, hence they are more apt to want society to be less restrictive to women and the LGBTQ community, and they more often support equal rights across the cultural board, Menighan added.
“This survey was no joke, okay? I’m not doing it again, so I beg your readers to listen up this time. I had to measure the penises of my consenting patients–thousands of them!–for months on end. No, no, nope. Not doing it again. Anywho: these conservative men are taking out their genitalia-based insecurity on society as a whole by acting on their regressive political impulses,” the doctor said.
Come on, people–do you honestly think Roy Moore is packing heat? He ain’t. Ask any teenage girl in Birmingham.
If your you-know-what is five inches or shorter and you have right-of-center political beliefs, you could be a candidate for this condition. Talk to your doctor today about screening, and treatment options that are right for you.
How To Treat It
You won’t be surprised to hear, Alt-readers, that treatments for CWD are already out there, because it’s a condition that affects men, so tons of money and time are devoted to ameliorating it.
The first line of treatment is penile enlargement surgery. But there are also drugs that can be of great benefit to many sufferers.
All treatment is expensive, and only some insurance programs will cover it. The ones that do only recently were compelled to because of legislation introduced by Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and sponsored by Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-Md). Go figure! But that’s immaterial, isn’t it, because, you, my conservative cutie readers, either inherited lots of money or bootstrapped your way to wealth, I can only assume.
You can also contact the National Conservative Weenis Dwarfism Foundation for information on therapists in your area specializing in the condition, support groups, and more on the various treatment options.
Together–but also with a naive belief in doing things “on our own”–we will heal.
Now, I must implore you to recall that even though I apprised you of the information that CWD “is a thing” and gave you some guidance on how to treat it, at the outset of this column, you promised me that no matter what happens you will support social and economic conservatism. So get treated, but remain retrograde in your thinking. The cognitive dissonance will be intense, but you can do it. Just think of how you know for a fact that President Trump colluded with Russia, but you will never, ever stop supporting him! Use the same mental gymnastics you do as you heal from CWD but seek to remain right-wing.
You Might–No, You Will–Also Like
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Beauty: Steve Bannon on skincare.
News: Roy Moore’s election defeat–bummer Big ol’ bummer.
© 2017 Akbar Khan
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