“Goo goo, ga, ga, I love MAGA.”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, balenopix.
Salutary and Salubrious Salutations, traditionalist health-seekers!
Waaa! Waaa! Waaaa! Oy–it’s enough with the whining already, babies of the world. On the other hand: no it isn’t. Because it’s self-involved, and we Alt-ers love all things self-involved. And as a right-wing media personality pulling the strings attached to your barely-there brains, I, Deepika Choprawalla, am here to tell you that the fact that babies are the most selfish, self-involved, self-self-self entities on the planet and also the ones least corrupted by socialization into the Liberal Loony universe, we should all be most like them. And we Alt-righters are self-obsessed in spades, so we’re the closest thing to pure, babies this sick, twisted world’s got! It’s a lot of responsibility I know, but we can maybe do it kinda sorta not at all because we suck at life.
Anywho, the point of my column today is boobies, specifically the fluid that babies drink from it, breastmilk. It’s not owned by any corporation, thus no corporation has an interest in promoting it, thus no corporation has any use for it. Need I say more? Oh, silly me! You’re on the right-wing of the contemporary political spectrum, therefore you’re much, much dumber than a slug, so, yes, I do need to say more. If a corp doesn’t have an interest in something, then we don’t have an interest in that thing. Got it? Good.
It’s also a good thing I’m a right-wing media personality, as I said before, because mouthing off on a whole host of subjects I should shut up about is my specialty, my stock in trade, and my raison d’etre. Now, if a corporation can’t benefit from something, in conservative circles of 2018, it is bad, bad, bad and must go, go, go.
Something that corporations can benefit from–phew: it feels good to be back in this comfortable territory of advancing Late Capitalist interests over things that are actually good for people–is infant formula. And that’s why the Trump Administration “stunned” the world–ha, ha, suckers!–at a meeting of the World Health Assembly, an afiliate of the United Nations, that bugaboo of us stupid asses on the right, as Andrew Jacobs of The New York Times recounted.
“Based on decades of research, the resolution says that mother’s milk is healthiest for children and countries should strive to limit the inaccurate or misleading marketing of breast milk substitutes. Then the United States delegation, embracing the interests of infant formula manufacturers, upended the deliberations,” Jacobs wrote.
This filled me such nationalistic pride it would have put Hitler himself to shame! And so, I delved into this topic and found some oh-so-Alt reasons (i.e., complete lies told simply to sell you something you don’t need) about why infant formula is so good for babies…especially ones who’ll be guaranteed to grow up right-wing.
Related: See what’s in store at the Donald Trump-themed amusement park, Donnytown.
I Must Increase My Bust
So went the song in Judy Blume’s coming-of-age classic, Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret. Well, one thing that increases the bust a lot is lactating. Despite this pleasing-to-hetero-men-therefore-desirable side effect of that biological process in mothers, it’s otherwise useless. Whoever told you babies prefer breastmilk over something that bloats the coffers of that which is valued over sentient life in the capitalist project is a damn liar. Worse–that person’s a damn, Liberal liar.
It is a matter of course the United States opposed the boob-juice resolution! That’s what we do now: assert our willful isolationism in obnoxious ambushes around the globe while simultaneously advancing the interests of Corporate America above all else–even the health of children. Yes, even white children aren’t more important than publicly traded companies and LLCs and what have you. It goes without saying that non-white children are essentially nothing more than a stain on our lily-white existences, hence we place them in cages after separating them from their undocumented parents.
Anywho, I have some reasons you may not know–aside from the best one, “Because the Trump Admin said so”–to choose formula over breastmilk for your thirsty babes.
Fortified With Riboflavin
Remember that perplexing piece of info–because what the hell is “riboflavin”?–announced in splashy graphics all over unhealthy cereal boxes in the 1980s by corporations trying to manipulate us into buying their trash food? Aah, the good ol’ days.
The major infant formula manufacturers, according to citizen.org, Abbott, Mead Johnson, and Nestle had a meeting with Food and Drug Administration head Scott Gottlieb last month to discuss how to make even that which supposedly nurtures our babies, infant formula, a shill for corporations. Way to go, Alt.
What came of that fantabulous meeting of empty minds was that the three aforementioned companies would suffuse their formula with Rightoflavin, a compound developed by the Koch Brothers Laboratories that, when ingested, retards brain development, making the owner of said brain ultra-amenable to idiotic conservative thought processes. As soon as your infant formula-raised babe hears Fox News blaring in the background of its life, if it’s drinking formula like a champ, it’s neurons will be ripe for the picking by unscrupulous right-wing media personalities.
Just a Smidge
The consortium of infant formula manufacturers also got a free license, even outright reward, when they told Gottlieb that they’ve been and will continue to put in their product a soupcon, a dash, and a sprinkle of oh-so-delish chemicals of all sorts. Gottlieb didn’t need them to be more specific than that before he was on-board. After all, a brain-poisoned baby is more likely to grow up to be a member of the right-wing of the political spectrum than one who’s been reared on breastmilk. The latter’s brain would likely develop normally and be able to engage in rational thought and even have normal human emotions, like compassion.
Shake, Rattke, and Roll
So goes the Blues classic, by the same name penned by Big Joe Turner in 1954. And it’s what you generally need to do to emulsify the ingredients of the baby formula you force down the throat of your confused baby, the one who thought it’d be getting breastmilk. No such luck, baby, unless you want to get proper nutrition and grow up smart and able to distinguish right from wrong and Right from Left like a Liberal! Blech!
The big infant formula manufacturers also told Gottlieb that they’d included an abundance of tiny infant dietary molecule in their processed fake-food that, when shaken up, releases a substance, Alt-oxytocin, or Alt-O that goes to three places in the body very important to the right-wing project in 2018: the eyes, the heart, and the colon. In the eyes, Alt-O makes those ocular orbs biased in favor of orange humans, so that your baby will lean toward Trumpism from the very start. In the heart, this fantabulous chemical ossifies cardiac muscle so that your baby will have little to no feelings of sympathy for marginalized groups. And finally, in the colon, Alt-O turns your wee one’s feces into a yellowish sludge, thereby making it unable to identify than the actual b——t the contemporary right-wing will serve up to it as an adult on a daily basis.
Right-Wingedness Starts at Birth
As you well know, I’m guessing, an Alt-well baby needs to be schooled in the ways of contemporary conservatism basically from the time it comes forth from its mother’s womb, all scrunched up eyes, twisted limbs, and deafening cries, If you raise it on infant formula from the Big Three manufacturers mentioned above, you’ll prime your tot to defend itself against the glut of Liberal lies about equity, inclusion, equal rights, fair pay, and marginalized communities. It’s never, simply never, too early to get your kid started on a path of hate, simple-minded thinking, and cruel self-obsession. And you can do this simply by choosing to rear you newborn on formula instead of breastmilk!
Now, dear readers, armed with the Wellness savvy you’ve acquired by reading this post thanks to this article by me on this Alt-right lifestyle blog called SYRW, go forth and increase your health, even if it means–nay, especially if it means–decreasing that of others.
Also: Don’t miss our travel correspondents trek up Mt. Votersuppression.Â
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