Image: Licensed Adobe Stock, lderina.
This article is dedicated to Jeremy Horelick, because he believed I could. 🙂
Readings: Text-based greetings, Alt-reading lovers!
If you thought that the only thing, I, Dr. Ebeneezer Scourge, your Alt-readings guide here at Spread Your Right Wings, was good at was…er…what am I supposedly good at it again…oh–right! Introducing you to, then joining you on a leisurely stroll through, readings that would appeal to your non-existent right-wing noggin-jelly, well, then you’d be wrong. Before I dedicated my four brain cells to the hero-work I engage in now, I was training to be a spy, and still have some white-Ninja-based skills to speak of. Last week–and you’re going to be really proud of/grateful for this–I used those skills to do something that will pay Alt-right-dividends for you for years, decades, and centuries to come. And by that I mean, “is completely useless and just more proof of what disgusting lengths the right-wing of the American political spectrum has sunken to in the Trump Era.”
You’ll Wanna Do Me When You Read What I Did–Regardless of Your Gender!
Despite the Governor Chris Christie-ish state my body is in in its post-undercover life, I managed to heave and ho and foist my body over the twisted, turning, overgrown flora outside Onward and Straight Upward Gay Deprogramming Clinic (OSUGDC) so that my voting-against-its-own-interests physique might cross the boundary between just fucked up into point-of-no-moral-return territory. Basically, I snuck into this bastion of moral rectitude. I gasped a little as I righted–yes, that’s right, it’s a verb too, my lovelies–myself to behold the wondrousness belly of the even more wondrous beast I was in now. My eyes widened and took in all the idiotic tchotchkes with mind-numbing Jesus-y quotes on them, furniture stuffed to the point of irrecognizability and ridiculously transparent attempts at making the light spilling in take on a holy hue that were the windows in this place.
I scurried between the offices of Dr. Ursula P. Righteous, Dr. Kendra J. Goodperson, and Stanley Q. Pristine and other “therapists–like a rat in a mental health institute–there to a room with a sign outside it that read, in a hastily-scrawled, almost serial-killer-esque script: Keep Out! Staff Only! After rifling through the contents of that sanctuary of saintliness–which was OK because no one saw me–I came upon an internal memo that I’m really excited to share with you. It was a weekly inter-office communique from the past seven days–“a week,” in Gregorian calendar-speak. It read as follows:
“Howdy, Fellow Fucked-Up-So-We’re-Going-to-Fuck-Up-Others Professionals.
This weeks’ Suicide Scroll is as follows: The patients or former patients who’ve taken the easy way out and their own lives because we kept telling them that the way they were born was sick, wrong, and not-for-long are: Oscar Toowilde, Nolonger Gay Talese, and Judy Sparland. Oh, well!
Gender Juiciness
In our fledgling Back to Cis-Basics wing, the following were confiscated from patients: tit-flattening tape, non-pink-or-blue clothing, testicle-squashing undergarments, and a strap-on-penis. The confiscator of the final item on that list may or may not have kept it for fun at her home with her lisp-having hubby.
Breeder Bon Mots: Inspirational Professional Practices
Copies of A Chorus Line, A Room With a View, Mommie Dearest, All About Eve, and a rare box set of Faye Dunaways work on Blu-Ray were used to attempt to beat the gay out of a patient, in keeping in line with our facility’s commitment to use the trappings of queer culture to savagely maim the fairy or dyke-y out of not-gay-for-longs (NGFLs).
A patient was forced to smell nail polish, drink hair spray, and nibble on nastiness in attempts at punishing him for failing to munch on carpet.
A patient was required to sit in a room with stereo speakers blasting the words–which were, ironically, whispered by a voice-actor–“I’m straight and cis-gender” while she lay in it in a Straight-Jacket repressing her and a tongue-depressor depressing her. No, we don’t know what that last one is. But it happened and was successful at former-fagging-and-so-long-lesbo-ing her.
A patient was required to rewrite the entire series of Queer as Folk as a super-dull rewrite called Straight Ain’t Just a Direction.
A patient’s limp wrist, lisp, and hip-switching walk were used to mock him. Sure–he’s fine with these things, but we still made fun of the dumb dandy with ’em!
Anti-Queer Quotas
Dr. Righteous: 0 converts; Dr. Goodperson: 0 converts; Dr. Pristine: 0 converts; Dr. Gideon: 0 converts; Dr. Former-Fairy-Philanthropy: 0 converts.; Dr. Hateinmyheart: 0 converts; Dr. IswearIlikethe”opposite”gendernow: 0 converts
Nasty News
In other institutions dedicated to de-gay-ing, healers were greeted with similarly grim statistics in their anti-science activities. No one had any success at deprogramming gays at all ever except through devious uses of deception via illogic like, “As long as my patients aren’t effing members of the same sex, they’re not glitz-and-glamour-gays anymore!” Dishonest and desperate, some may call this. But not us! Oh, for the love of Lord, not us.
See ya’ next week, Priest-Rape-Victims-Who-Now-Associate-Gayness-With-Badness!
Gone Girl, Â Boy, and Well…That’s It!
I imagine that after reading about the horrors above, you’re a little breathless, disoriented, and wobbly, readers. Well, don’t be alarmed. Don’t be alarmed in the least. That’s natural! It’s the remnants of your secular suckerhood making themselves known. You must ignore this queasiness! Would a true Christian Solider, Jesus G,I., or Cisgender Saint let himself be swayed-like-a-gay by any such homo hogwash??! No, he sure wouldn’t. And after all, you didn’t get this far in your right-wing excuse-for-a-life by listening to your basic decency, common kindness, or so-not-going-to-heaven civility. So why on flat-Earth would you start now? What you need to do as your eyes dart from side to side assessing whether your debased brethren are doing what they’re being asked to do and then doing or not doing it based on that is to use the knowledge you have now–in an era when apparently anything can be called knowledge–to inspire you to reach ever lower depths of moral turpitude. Use it as a moral version of turpentine! Wipe from the surface of your personal-personhood-scroll any evidence that you were once able to care about your fellow human–I mean, man. See–even an Alt-awesome-ite like me slips back into intelligent discourse territory–er, Liberal Loony Loquations–from time to time!
Also: ee why we ALL like hotness, regardless of which rigid gender category we fall into.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
