A fit posterior is much better to sit on to watch Fox News than a not fit one!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Maridav.
Ciao Bella, Conservative Cuties!
Even though he’s black and probably comes from an economically disadvantaged background–two attributes we have no use for over here on the right wing of the political spectrum–1990s novelty rapper Sir Mix-a-Lot said some pretty wise stuff about the body part known as “your ass.”
“I like big butts, and I can not lie,” a-Lot crooned in his paean to gluteus-maximal gorgeousness. A-Lot made a wise point, so rare for those who weren’t blessed with pasty, pallid skin. He made a very wise. point. Big butts are comely. Well, as long as they’re shapely big and not jell-o-y big, as long as the stick out in all the right places and not all the left-wing places. As I, Emma Winter, the Beauty editor here at the most random Alt-website on the planet, Spread Your RIght Wings (SYRW) reminisced this week about listening to the cassingle of a-Lot’s “Baby Got. Back” while a student at the lily white Midwestern private school I went to in the ’90s, I thought: I bet the thing that my Alt-readership wants more than anything is this article. No, they don’t want access to affordable health care or free and safe elections or a $15/hour minimum wage. They want an article explaining how to use the principles of contemporary right-wing thinking to make their trunk more full of junk. So, here are some tips to help you do just that.
Related: Get the deets on the new fragrance just for the Alt–Stench!
Shut It
And: Snowflakes? Blech! We’re puddles, and here are some ways to make your home a temple to them.
My favorite tip for Alt-living and butt-beautifying is simply this: “Clench.” You should clench your eyes shut so as to ensure that no accurate information regarding the wrongness of your conserva-choice for president, Donald J. Trump, reaches your teeny, tiny brain. Of course, you’ll have to open those to allow your mind to be bathed in right-wing media misinformation, so it’s a balance. Your patootie, as it’s knowh in medical circles, can be clenched in an uptight refusal to see things as they are, however, at all times. And this makes for a taut, perky keister, too, in one of the few happy coincidences of the Nightmare Trump Era.
Duck and Cover
Each time our dear, sweet, oh-so-fairly elected President Donald J. Trump lobs another insult, invective, or Twitter missive at someone and you’re, of course, watching it happen in real time on Fox News, you must dodge the bad juju that could land on you should you remain stationary. So duck! But do a dumbbell squat, too, by balancing a dumbbell on your shoulders and, then, “you want to sit your body straight down, weight in your heels, while keeping your chest and back upright,” according to wise folks at dailyburn.com. With the sheer numbers, Trump’s verbal barbs of a debased flavor come rapidly ejecting from his permanently chapped lips, if you sit each one out–quickly and with weights on your shoulders–your derriere will  be breakfast-eat-off-of-able in no time.
No More Pencils, No More Books
No more teachers dirty looks, goes the old end-of-school saying or grade-schoolers across the U.S. of A. Well, they can’t say that anymore. Labor Day’s back, and as. your time once again belongs a little more to you and a little less to your kids, you can use some of that extra Alt-me time to do the pencil quat.
“If you’re someone who gets confused about know what to do with your arms in a squat, this move is for you. Reaching your hands up will help you focus on height, while getting your heart rate up, too,” again, courtesy of the ever-so-fit folks at dailyburn.com. This move involves a little jump in the air, which you should be doing anyway each time Trump antagonizes a foreign power and/or kisses up to President Vladimir Putin, deepening our isolation n he world stage, do a pencil-squat-jump for joy. Because Trump does this about 800,000 per day, before you know it, your posterior will be as tight as Trump’s poorly-tailored suit pants around his hemispheric waistline.
I’m willing to bet all the money I won’t make in tax returns this. year because Trump’s big tax cut was for corporations only, that your bootie’s feeling hotter already. And not just because of climate change. That’s not real, because if it were, then we’d have to ask big business to reduce their profits from trillions to billions. Very unfair! No, I bet your ass is attractivizing ahead in life because you’re, I hope, already trying some of these excellent pointers I’ve imparted unto. you. After all, when a dinghus on the right in the form of a media personality tells you to do something, you have no problem taking that advice and running with it. When it’s a media outlet you’ve decided is part of a left-wing conspiracy. to lessen the glory that is the Trump presidency, you simply refuse to believe what it’s saying. That’s all part of being a dunderhead who peoples the conservative end of the contemporary political spectrum in 2018! And it’s also, from this article forward, a part of having a boo-tay as taut as. the noose the Republican party’s using to hang itself by kowtowing to its Deplorable Wing.
A toned butt can make all the Alt-difference to your Alt-game. It can help you walk erect, even though your views are akin to those of knuckle-dragging cave people in their intellect. It can help you look like you have a spring in your right-winger step, even as you want to hole up in bed and cry because you’re so embarrassed at the president you chose. And, it can help you sit up straight, balanced on a firm gluteus-maxiums, when you want to shrivel in shame in front of others because you’re really stupid and can’t follow along when they’re talking about…well, anything, but certainly politics.
As you go about your right-wing lives this week, remember: Alt-is, as Alt-does…as Alt-looks!
Also: Another thing we all have in common–thanks to extinct human-adjacent species.
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