Early humans couldn’t resist doing the vertical tango with hotties like this–and it’s what led to the wonderful nightmare that is modern civilization./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, procy_ab.
For only the second time in the long, long, long–did I mention long?–history of the most idiotic, least helpful, and moderately OK website on Earth, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), I Geta Long, the Commonalities columnist for said Alt-right website, come to you dispatching from the world of It’s-a-Small-World-After-All-ness. In other words, I’m here to dish some trite-but-true tastiness related to what unites us. The editors of SYRW, after all, felt that they were doing too much to widen the political divide, trashify public discourse, and make life generally suck-tabulous. So, they decided to hire me to write a weekly column on all that makes us one horrible, horrible human family. Last week I talked about how we all, no matter what end of the political spectrum we park our looks-like-cottage-cheese asses on, love hot people. Hotness leads to sex, to be blunt, and that brings me to the point of this column. Let’s get to it, shall we!
Related: The first–and really most basic and essential thing all humans have in common is…
Congratulations–It’s a Species
Sex leads to babies, as any stressed-out, knocked-up woman without access to reproductive health can tell you, as she wipes away tears. This apparently is the case in the many acts of vertical tango in particular and those that led collectively to the birth of the human species over time via evolution. Until recently, the prevailing view on how Homo Sapiens, modern humans, got their start was that we lived on the planet with other Homos, Habilis and Erectus, for example, and that because we were so darn great (i.e., more willing to do the awful things it took to survive like steal, kill, and hoard) we stood victorious atop a mound of phenotypically similar yet genotypically different corpses. New research, detailed in an article in the September issue of Scientific American, shows that genetic intermingling with the different sub-species than our own, occurring in different parts of the world independently, is what led to the evolution of the species-esque wondrousness that is current folks.
Screw Everyone Else
What the crafty early homo sapiens did that led eventually led to their domination of the entire planet was to interbreed with other species-adjacent-types. Hapless dimwits that those others were, they’re inferiority eventually led to their being natural-selection-ed out of existence. Oh, well! Sucks to be them.
It’s been known among biologists and people with more than a couple brain cells rattling around in their noggins–so generally not member of the right wing of the contemporary political spectrum. that procreating with people as genetically unrelated to you as possible is good for the health of your would-be progeny: the more diverse a gene pool you can dip your horny toe in, the better. And now we have proof that this was true in the many Turns of the Screw over the eons that the evolution we on the right like to creationalistically and cretinously deny ever happened, too, Of course, scientific proof is not really something that is much of a concern for us. If we rightists just don’t want to believe something, well then, we just simply won’t. Our fragile egos, rigid worldviews, and comfortable existences simply won’t allow it. If something doesn’t feel good in the moment, we’ll just refuse to consider doing it. And that includes having an open mind.
So Now What?
And: See the ad the Trump Admin uses to recruit “talent.”
The natural, logical step most people would make using the skill known as logic, the purview of Liberal Loonies, mostly, is that we’re all not only one human family, but we’re all one sort-of-human family and always were. Humans are mammals are sentient beings are one. Again, we right-wingers have never been big fans of logic, and we’re certainly not now. Someone can basically look us right in the eye and say, “I colluded with a hostile foreign power to win an election,” and what we follow that up with is a thousand reasons why we still support him. Hence, in this case too, we’ll just go on thinking that genetic and racial purity is not only possible, it’s good, and we’re going to Neo-Nazi-ish-ly scream and shout about it like a bunch of uncompassionate, Social Darwinist thugs.
Particulars of Purity
So while most of humanity–at least intelligent, morally solvent ones, will move forward in progress and oneness. We spoiled, bratty, obnoxious Americans will, in the meantime, just be more and more racist and awful, clinging to ideas of racial im/purity. This will eventually lead to our downfall, because if you’re not willing to figure out ways to be yourself and also change with the times, you’re simply not going to be around very long. Hopefully, we’ve climate-changed the Earth into a ticking time bomb, of course. That way we can bring all of life on the planet down with us instead of just doing everyone a favor and bowing out with dignity. That seems like a great life–and death–choice!
Come Give Mama of a Different Species Some Sugar
I don’t know–nor do I care, really–about you. SYRW readers, but I need a rest, a cool glass of water, and, honestly, a hug, after the previous 850 words of awes-errific-ality. I need a rest because I’m tired of sitting in this terribly designed office chair, the cool glass of water is because global warming is baking the Earth and scientists see 2018 as the year it took a turn for the undeniable, and the hug is because of the sinking feeling I have that voting for Trump was the worst decision I ever made. These are all hallmarks of the contemporary right-wing project, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you need a break, a sip, and an embrace as well. Too bad we’re not in each other’s presence, otherwise we could help each other with these concerns. Of course, that would be acknowledging that we need each other, that it’s the very essence of being human to require others to live your best life, and that it’s not wise to prize guns over everything–everyone–else. And that’s just not something we’re going to do.
Also: See how to throw together some Shake Things Up for the Sake of It Shakes!
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