Liberal Snowflakes: delicate, beautiful, magical. Conservative puddles: shallow, a bummer, get in everyone’s way./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, richsouthwales.
Ow! I just hammered my own thumb because I, Marla Stewman, am trying to do some home repair while I simultaneously write the weekly Interiors column on this fool -ass website dedicated to inserting the Alt-into your lifestyle. You’d think that injuring myself, would stop me from trying to do two things at once, which, as a member of the contemporary conservative movement is a challenge for me, given my limited amount of brain cells. But that’s the thing about having meager noggin-power like us…sometimes we just can’t see how stupidly we’re behaving and keep on. doing it. Hence, I’m going to continue to hammer and write at once, despite my dark blue, swollen, throbbing thumb.
You all know, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers, that we rightists have taken to calling Liberals “Snowflakes,” because we think that their insistence on women and minorities be. treated with dignity, respect, and compassion, particularly in the words used to interact with them, makes the oversensitive, prissy, easily. damaged, what have you.
Today I want to encourage you, my dear, sweet, neo-conservative shit-for-brains readers, to be the opposite of. Snowflakes. I want you to be Puddles. We’re everything they’re not. Snowflakes are delicate, beautiful, endlessly complex, and one-of-a-kind. Puddles are flat, dirty, inconvenient, and usually, something people wish had never happened. Here’s how to make your Alt-abode a temple to the dingy, icky splotch of liquid known as a Puddle!
Christian White-People Water Torture
Sadly, Asians have made so many cultural advancements long before whites, though we have no problem failing to acknowledge that and, instead, taking credit for stuff Easterns developed long before us. One example is methods of torture.
Chinese Water Torture is supposedly a practice of restraining someone and then slowly dripping water on their head, allegedly driving them insane. Now, whether it’s really a thing or not–or was–talking about it brings up a good point. There’s nothing as maddening as a leaky faucet or tap! So, the first way to Puddle-ify your home is simply not to fix any leaks that may spring up in the various sinks–kitchen, bathroom, utility–in your house. Easy–as easy as dismantling the American democracy like DJT is doing!
Dull and Uninteresting
My next Puddle-based recommendation for you, my dear readers, is something I’ll come at in a roundabout way. When someone is a bore, a snooze, and a general loser, we call him “a drip.” It evokes runny noses, oozing wounds, and various discharging bodily orifices. Really, nothing could be worse than those things, could it. Again, all you have to do is…well, nothing to accomplish my next advisory act. The very next time you see water running in a silent rivulet down a surface it’s not supposed to, just leave it. Let it run–because you’re a Puddle, and supporting your own kind is what you do, even if that means damaging others (in this case whatever surface water’s a-runnin’ across).
Welcome Destruction
Also: How pre-school appropriate practices can aid in your Alt-adult baby life project.
The third–and most awful by far–advice on living Dat Puddle Lyfe that I have for you is based on a pretty stressful way that mini-pools of water can collect in your home. That is, it derives from the arrival, if you will, of precipitatory collections in the geographic shape known as a circle, i.e., a Puddle, inside your residentiary location from the out of doors. Again, this is more a recommendation not to do something than to do it. Well, first you need to do something–open a window or door and make sure it stays that way. Then, you do nothing but let nature takes it course. Eventually, there’ll be a Puddicular fantubulousness there with almost no effort by Alt-you! Doing nothing but waiting like pythons, completely motionless and free of affect–like Congressional Republicans–as our prey, the nation, works itself into an anxious frenzy. What great people!
Bonus: Rude-Ass People
You didn’t think I’d end this torturously long articular mess end without ONE MORE methodology of H2O ploppularity, did you? What kind of a columnist-cum-maternal-figure-who-eats-her-own young would I be if I did that? Not a very good one, that’s what kind. And so I offer you this: have a Puddle Party! Invite all your Alt-friends, that self-involved, I-gotta-be-me-even-if-it-kills-you-and-us lot over for a get-down for right-wingers, we who go lower when everyone else is either going much, much higher or just asking, “What the hell is wrong with these people?” Again, all you have to do is…nothing, and that should be easy given the lives of privelige, ease, and comfort that you’ve led up until Barack Obama was president. Then they got even more priveliged, easier, and more comfortable because he was smart, compassionate, moral, and led our society forward. Of course, you’re racist AF, so you interpreted better times as bad ones, just cuz a black guy was in charge of them. Anywho, just don’t say anything to your Puddle Party invitees. They’ll track in mud, leaves, lawn clippings, and yes, water. They’re be puddles, puddles everywhere, and not a drop to spare!
Cultural Wet Blankets
I assume–and thus make even more of an ass out of you and me than we already are–that you feel soggier and irritatingly damper than you felt before reading this lovely, one-thousand-word. waste of time. That’s the power of suggestion and the magic of reading. No need to thank me, though I know your gratitude toward me for this fantabulous advice is boundless, given that all of us right-ers have decided that the basics of societal decorum–the. expression of sincere thanks being one of them–are things we just aren’t doing anymore. Like President Donald J. Trump, we instead mock the differently-abled, label entire nations rapists, and grab pussies because we’re nobodies and it makes us feel like somebody. That’s. what being a Puddle is all about, readers–get in everyone’s way, making the world worse, creating ugliness everywhere you go. Now, go out there and live a splish-splashy Puddle-y Alt-life!
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