Ugh–what’s that hideous smell!?!? Oh, it’s Stench, the new fragrance for your necrotizing Alt-soul!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Victoria Kalinina.
Ciao Bella, Conservative Cuties!
As a member of the Alt-right, I, Emma Winter, the Beauty editor here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) have a tiny hear like you, my darling. readers, but big dreams (and an even bigger ego!). I hope that on this sweltering day–even at the North Pole, where there’s no longer any ice because of climate change–all sorts of horrific smells are getting lodged in your nasal passages. There’s nothing like that to make you feel a panic akin to that which you feel at being smothered by a pillow! Something I’m good at–given my right-wing political membership–is assumptions. And something I’m assuming is that you’ve been spending most of your life on the hunt–except without a gun involved, so that sucks–for a way to douse your body in a scent that lets even the visually-challenged, auditorially-challenged, taste-bud-less, and those who were born without the ability to abduct information via their integumentary system that you, too, are proudly conservative in this day and age when you should be deeply ashamed. Good news! The Koch Brothers, Team Trump, and the Freedom Caucus have banded together to sell you a cheap, synthetic liquid in an atomizer that you can then spritz all over yourselves. It’s called Stench, and it’s the new scent meant just for the contemporary conservative.
Don’t Poo Poo It ‘Til You’ve Tried It
If I said to you that you should rub feces all over your body, you’d have a hint of hesitation, I’m sure. But I’m a right-wing media personality, so let’s face it–you’d eventually do what I told you to. It’s not as ridiculous when you consider that indole is a chemical compound found in both shit and white florals like gardenias, tuberoses, and jasmine. See–you’re not so averse to the idea of a poo-cream now, are you., I know This is the same piecemeal way that. our dear, sweet President Donald J. Trump is establishing an authoritarian state! In celebration of the constant bullshit spewing forth from his mouth and the those of his enablers, handlers, accomplices, and cheerleaders on the right, the makers of Stench turned to the world of feces first when they were determining the fragrance molecules to include in this sexy, conservative scent.
Garbage Morals, Landfill Ethics
Another wondertabulously-scented entity is, well…garbage. There’s nothing like that sour, onerous redolence gets your hateful;, Alt-juices flowing. That’s why the makers of Stench next isolated the hideously horrific melange of garbage-smells that waft forth from the landfills, waste treatment plants, and open sewers of our rapidly warming world. The rats, seagulls, and other refuse-dwellers won’t be able to keep their claws out of you when you don Stench. That’s. how you know it’s working.
Necrotizing Fasciitis
That’s what happens when you get a flesh-eating bacterial infection, and it smells as good as it looks and sounds. Your eyes will roll back in your head when you spritz Stench all over your bod because it has the smell of decaying flesh–which is intended to remind you of our decaying republic. Have fun with that.
Reach for the Brown Stars
Red giant, white dwarf, brown illegals. These are all kinds of stars, the first two being stellar, the last being human, the kind whose dreams of a better life we’re happily extinguishing like candle flames as we’re imprisoning them in cages at the border. The dead dreams of brown youth have a very particular odor, and it’s the next ingredient in Stench.
This South-American-kid-dreams-that-won’t-come true smells, as it were, of a combination of blood, sweat, and tears, namely that of this rugrats’ parents, who wanted to toil away at backbreaking menial jobs in attempts to provide opportunities for their children that they never had. Also, it smells of the blood, sweat, and tears they shed in their native countries under the authoritarian rule they were hoping to escape by coming here. No such luck! Oh, well, as long as your lily-white lives don’t have to change in any way, I don’t really care–do you?
Soul Stink
Not many people–and certainly not the dumbest of the dumb, contemporary right-wingers–know that it’s not just putrefying flesh that induces the gag reflex in mammals. No, even when one’s chewy, moral center melts in the mouth-like gaping maw of the bottomless pit of Trump’s horrific behavior, a pit that gets deeper with every passing day, a certain scent wafts forth from the location of that soul-death. In this case, that location is your tenny, tiny, dessicated, conservative heart. Luckily for everyone, Alt-chemists have nabbed this bouquet like so many counter-protesters at a Neo-Nazi rally. And it’s in Stench, too, so you can wear as you stand on the corner buying heroin because the opiates you’re addicted to as a poor, Christian white are simply too pricey in the quantities you need them to feed your escalating smack habit–and it’s not like you have or deserve health care to pay for that which ails you.
UpChuck Grassley
Senator Chuck Grassley (R-Ia) is one of the awesome humans in Congress–all Republicans–enabling President Trumpistan these days, and I simply couldn’t resist a vomit-pun using his name. Anywho…
Also: Make some Shake-Things-Up-for-the-Alt-Sake-Of-It Shakes!
A good way to apply Stench, by the by, is to spill a small puddle on the floor in front of you, then wiggle around in it on your back, your tongue hanging out to the side. I hope you can already feel the scent molecules wafting about you, cascading down like so many snowflakes, gently, quietly…oh, wait–we hate snowflakes. Forget that! I hope you can feel the fragrance molecules slapping you in your Christo-white-skinned face like bruise-inducing hail. You can run but you can’t hide. Now, even though I hope you’ve already bought this wondertabulous rightist perfume, there’s still something I need you to vow to me that you’ll do. That is, I need you to Alt-promise (so “say even as you have no intention of doing”) that you’ll sink your hard-earned-on-the-backs-of-the-economically-disadvantaged-money-that you’re-always-bitching-about-being-taxed-away-fromyou-to-pay-for-lazy-African-American-welfare-moms-to-keep squeezing-out-babies-on-Uncle-Sam’s-dollar into buying at least one bottle of this parfum, as the French say. Thank you in advance! Now go out and make the world stinkier than it already is, SYRW readers.
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