Ye olde school shooting–believe us, it was a thing./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Stillfx.
A member of the Republican National Committee (RNC) given a dis-honorary Ph.D. in archeology by Trump University, to allow him to literally rewrite history on behalf of the contemporary right-wing project, unearthed on his laptop after typing it up in Microsoft Word a lost Constitutional Amendment legalizing across-the-board gun use by anyone and everyone, ending the entire debate over the place of guns in American society, coincidentally in Repubs’ favor.
Wayne LaPeeAryan discovered the much-needed conservative document, the 2.5th Amendment, written in an exaggerated Olde Tyme-y font on an artificially weathered piece of paper made to look like an 18th-century scroll, after a full three hours of trying to come up with new reasons that all firearm use by all white dude citizens who are of European ancestry and Christian faith of the good ol’ U.S. of A. is not only permitted by law, but required by it.
“The 2.5th Amendment until now suppressed by the Liberal Loonies, the Deep State, and the Nanny State, too, proves unequivocally and once-and-for-all that the Framers of the Constitution wanted citizens of A’mercka to shoot each other to death, and we don’t want wanna hear another word about it, OK?” LaPeeAryan said in a press release Monday. “To question the veracity of this document is disgusting. Unless the poll numbers we’re waiting on say the Trump. Base doesn’t mind–then it’s fine to question it and it’s totally fake.”
The 2.5th Amendment, which comes as a welcome relief to conserva-shits nationwide, reads as follows: “Poorly-regulated access to ye olde military-grade weaponry for any and all Christian, white, male citizens, being necessary for said citizens to obtain and maintain a false sense of security at all times in a state that is at the behest of a few fringe lunatics, the right of the people to keep. bear, hoard, and shoot arms shall not be infringed ever, ever, never…and this means Christian whites can have all the guns they want–as long as they’re male, as defined by the rigid, binary. Western gender system–and said right, if it wasn’t clear a second ago, shall not be infringed by liberal Snowflakes who want a safer world at the expense of the right’s gun-based hobbies, bloodthirst, and a general wish for societal chaos.”
“I think we can all agree, now that this awesome Amendment has been discovered, despite the best attempts of the left to control us in the hopes of making society less violent, that we can shoot anything we want, anywhere we want, and anytime we want,” said National Rifle Association (NRA) Spokesperson Dana Loesch. “Are we all done here–because I have 800,000 pounds of makeup to apply?”
The sound of bullets ejecting from various models and makes of guns into the air in celebration of this super-true discovery could be heard all over the United States as citizens sweated, trembled, and crouched in fear in their homes, their teeth chattering in fear.
“I feel so much safer…I sh-sh-sure do. Y-y-y-yee haw,” said Darrell Dumbass, a Deplorable in Dinghus, Alabama. “This is what safety f-f-feels l-l-like and it f-f-feels so good. Yessiree,” he said quiveringly, his eyes bulging out of his skull and darting from side to side. “This what I w-w-wanted. And now I h-h-have it.”
Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) was unable to obtain confirmation of this obviously made-up founding document-addition, as it’s a bunch of bull. When SYRW, your favorite Alt-right lifestyle blog, pointed out the apocryphal nature of this self-serving invention, the blog’s reporters were shot in the face over and over until they were unrecognizable even to family members who were asked to identify them. Hence, we’re not really sure if they’re dead or just missing. Doctors expect them–if these faceless comatose peeps on respirators in Careful What You Wish For County, GS (Generic State) all to die. They must be kept alive in agony on machines for as long as medically possible, however. But as long as you get your guns, who cares! This is a win-win any way you look at it. If you’re lucky enough to have eyes that haven’t been blown off your face, unlike lots of shooting victims.
When five protesters, all members of liberal anarchist groups who want to sow chaos through the spread of vegetarianism, rights-for-all, demilitarization, and a free press, amassed outside NRA headquarters in Alexandria, Va., enraged Right-Wing Nut Jobs (RWNJs) began screaming bloody murder and pelting them with stones. Then they remembered something very important: guns! They whipped out some Glocks and began shooting willy-nilly at the Liberals.
“Say hello thoo our leedull friends,” they screamed in mock Cuban accents in imitation of Al Pacino in the final scene of Scarface. As the last breaths convulsed out of the Liberal protesters felled bodies, blood seeping out of their wounds in thick puddles around them, one shooter snorted and wiped the sweat from beneath his nose with the back of one of a sadly, momentarily gun-free hand.
“Yeah–this is what a safe, secure, happy, healthy society looks like,” said NowI’m Happyascanbe as he tossed an emptied pistol onto the corpse of one of the downed Liberals. “Here, Snowflake–take this to hell with you,” he sniffed. “You’re gonna need it–ironically to protect yourself against psychotics like me!”
Another formerly living protester emitted a muffled scream, gurgled through blood spewing forth from her agape mouth as she fell to the floor. Happyascanbe laughed at the sight of the dying protester. He said he was only sorry that the soon-to-be-ex-human wasn’t a kindergartner in Connecticut.
“Guns don’t kill people, the people with the guns use the guns to kill people. So we’re obviously very pleased that Professor LaPeeAryandstumbled upon the 2.5th Amendment after minutes of un-painstaking anti-work,” said Canyou Believethisshit President of Americans for Death and Destruction Via Guns (ADDVG), a pro-gun lobbying firm whose members are somehow able to sleep at night despite being the most repugnant humans on Earth. Believethisshit said he wasn’t sure what he would do for a living now that the gun debate was over. He said he’d failed to think this whole thing through, but there’s probably some other despicable right-wing cause he can get paid to promote. At least he hoped there was, he added.
The NRA will heretofore be known as the NGA. an acronym for the National Grenade Association, said LaPeeAryan.
“We want to give every fair-skinned American who appears to be of 100 percent European ethnic stock but probably has some African and Native American DNA too, their Christian-God-given right to lob mini-bombs at their fellow citizens any time they want. And we’re going to go on speaking tours, buy political influence, and watch members of marginalized communities and public school students die as we do so,” said Loesch. “And that’s the way it should be. In fact, I think Professor LaPeeAryan might have found a 2.75th Amendment that says the right of free Americans to murder each other for any reason by tossing explosives all over the place shall not be infringed. Stay tuned. Or I’ll shoot you!” She threw her head back and cackled. And it echoed.
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