ATM fees are often waived in places with a lot of waves!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock: haveseen.
Eh, Mon! Despite that use of caricature-based tropic vernacular, I Snoozie Storeman, am not of Polynesian descent. I know this is not only a surprise to you, but a letdown-and-a-half. After all, we on the right-wing of the contemporary political spectrum love to put token ethnics in high-visibility roles, so when people rightly call us out for being racist POS, we can be like, “But look at the high position ______ has risen to in our party!” Sorry-but positions in the twisted, mangled conservative media machine are too valuable these days to give to anyone of even one drop of non-Christian-white blood. Well, as long as a person looks at least possibly Germanic-Scandinavian-English-Slavic-Irish-Scottish, the last three only recently included in the white-ethnic racial hierarchy acceptable to conserva-U.S.A-ers, they’re cool. We’ve gotta pick our battles, after all. Speaking of ethnic vagaries, one place you see a whole heck of a lot of people that make you go, “Is that person Asian, black, or…it’s so hard to tell and then begin making judgments about him or her!” is “the islands,” a.k.a, the home of off-shore bank accounts free of pesky, Liberal Loony attempts to fetter your right-wing, money-obsessed wondrousness. Rick Gates didn’t let the Deep State stop him from being the best Heterosexist Patriarch he could be, as reported by The New York Times this week, and neither should you.
Related: Join us on a Pulmonary Problems Picnic!
Come To Dee Heat Islands, Mon
The Heat Island Effect is, in lay/Alt terms, a meteorological phenomenon that everyone who’s anyone in the era of climate change that we rightists refuse to acknowledge must know about. It’s when metro areas suck up heat during the day, what with all the asphalt, concrete, cars, and other unnatural, brutal surfaces and situations in the modern city, then emit it after sunset. This raises the temperature of those areas. It’s also a great segue into talking about how the hot temps of “offshore” land masses is a big draw for bank accounts there. Island nations tend, for some reason, to have lax tax laws, so funneling money into them is a great way to protect your hard-earned-on-the backs-of-others Capitalist cash that the Nanny State wants to take from your pristine, lily-white, hetero-dude, Christian self. Never! Put as much cash as you can into accounts at First Island Nation Bank. to keep the Entitlement State’s do-gooder mitts of it.
Islanders are relaxed about money, just as they are with everything. All that heat and humidity kind of just makes you like, “Whatever,” because it’s too freaking hot to move.
Deregulate, Mate!
Pirates love to say, “Mate…” Well, “Matey.” And pirates are related to islands. Hence, it’s worth noting that atoll states, those located and comprised of chunks of land surrounded by H2O, welcome your business in the form of sketchy attempts to avoid contributing to the overall well-being of your home state in the form of duties, tariffs, and excises. These places are full of short, brown people and such humans have always loved it when tall whites have taken advantage of them, their countries, and they’re hospitality.
Boom Boom Long Time, GI
So said many prostitutes in Vietnam movies. And it reminds me that when whites colonialize flotation-based territories, in this case in the form of the indirect action putting your. dough in their money-storage ovens, great things happen. For example, you might get one of the sexy, dark natives to mess around. And the,n, you might even have a bastard child you can then refuse to acknowledge until a tearful reunion 20 years later. That might get you your own TV movie!
Out of SIght, Out of Limited Minds
And: Some preschool practices to assuage your fragile Alt-ego.
It can never be said enough here. on Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) that those who populate the right wing of. the contemporary political spectrum–so, us–are dumas bricks. So, let me tell you something. It’s not only fair for you to give back to society some of what its structure and existence allow you to make, it’s your moral imperative to do so. And since there’s nothing we hate than being told what to. do or what is right/wrong, given that we’re huge, egotistical babies, we must do everything in our power to resist doing anything but that which our myopic world-view tells us is in our best interests. But it can be hard to deny the truth about what shitty people we are all the time. So putting your money in an isle-based piggy bank is a great way not to have your debased nature staring you in the face all the time, like every time you go to the ATM.
Mai Tais for Everyone…Er, the Only Person Who Matters: You
Lastly, but certainly not least-ly, if you divert your moola into a bank account in the Caymans or some such place, you can go visit these fun, fun, fun places every once in a while. Nothing could be more fun than turning your unethical fiduciary pursuits into a hideous-sunglasses-and-showing-too-much-skin getaway. Not by a long shot!
Losers, Much?
Honestly, SYRW readers, what is the matter with you? You just wasted, like, 10 minutes you could have been out commemorating the realer-than-rea-beginning of the Alt-Right Movement: the chinos-and-swastikas rally in Charlottesville in 2017. It was organized and enacted by some “very nice people,” or whatever we need to believe the scum known as skinheads are in order to get behind them in their not-at-all-delusion, asshole-ic crusade to make sure we Christian, white, heterosexuals remain the top dogs, the big cheeses, and yes, the Big Kahunas. After all the other side got one whole president after hundreds of yours of marginalization and institutionalized discrimination.
On the other hand, it is important for you to know where to hide your hard-earned–read: come by via legal loopholes and societal privilege–money so the Deep, Nanny left-wing state can’t get to it. So it can’t get to you. You need all that money, Without it, there’s simply no other way to…uh…well, it’s definitely not feasible…look, I’m not trial on here. That’s poor Paul Manafort!
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