Yum, yum, and yum again–and you’re Alt so you’re dumb./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, ExQuisine.
Gut-based greetings, conservatively culinary crackpots.
All these outright admissions to right-winged misdeeds by Rick Gates at the Manafort trial, slime-based legal eagle Mikey Cohen throwing all things and people Trump under the yellow cab…er, bus, and the oh-now-that’s-just-weird sighting of ex-Trump WH staffer and confidant Hope Hicks boarding Air Force One, might be affecting your Alt-game. I, Julio Kidd, the victuals and libations columnist here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) get it. I do. It’s all coming crashing down around us, spectacularly, special-counsel-ish-ly, and publicly. Now, it goes without saying that our collective response will be double, triple, and quadruple down on our deplorable support for the white, blond, tall, fiar-but-orange, allegedly-Christian father figure we elected to lead our nation off the cliff of international irrelevancy. This ain’t even the Watergate Era. Our entire identities and societal primacy are at stake here.
It can all leave you feeling depleted, famished, and parched. A good way to restore the nutrients the agricultural lobbyists have convinced you that you need via the USDA are none other than…shakes! Yes, those delectable treats occupying a netherworld between solid and liquid, dear readers.
Related: Take the opposite-of-fun outside on a Pulmonary Problems Picnic!
It Brings All the Boys to the Yard
That’s what Kelis sang in her mid-1990s club anthem about her breasts, filled as those fun-bags can sometimes get with moo-juice. And the fellas do love to see a set of them wiggling, bouncing, and generally flailing about, it’s true. But, what comes out of them is difficult–though probably not impossible–to commodify, monetize, and monopolize. Hence, the administration of President Orange-u-tan came out against giving babies boob-liquid at a recent meeting of the World Health Assembly. Yes, they actually tried to say infant formula is preferable to a mother’s milk to give babies.
So, clearly, your first recipe for quake-drink is the following: infant formula plus water. As the off-white powder drifts to the bottom of whatever PBA-ridden container you’ve put it in, grab that vessel and git to jiggling. You can throw in some ice to make this meant-for-tots nutrition libation refreshing during the Always-Summer being ushered in by climate change.
All the Rage
The political reality of 2018 can be said to be the Christian White Man’s primal scream, i.e., temper tantrum. He’s not gonna share cultural capital, resources, or agency with anyone, and you can’t make him.
The best thing about the next shake-rattle-and-roll recipe I have for. you is that you can make it anywhere. Just look down into whatever you holder you intend to sip from…and scream! Yes, scream, holler, and shriek into it. If someone thinks you’re a complete idiot, well, that person’s probably a member of a marginalized group. And who cares what they think. The conservative cause is all about I-me-mine. Self-awareness is for Snowflakes, people who’ve actually had to examine their words, behavior, and effect on the world. How sad! Very sad!
And: Some DIY Deconstruction projects for your right-wing domicile.
If you’re normal, i.e., a proud member of the conformity-demanding heterosexist patriarchy–and I can and will only assume that you are, hence your reading of this idiot-site–then at this point the last, few of the torturous two-to-ten minutes it took to read this hell-article, you’re probably getting quite the rumblings, gurglings, and topsy-turvy-ings in that portly potbelly of yours. I can’t blame you! You’re not a brown kid, after all, so what would be the fun in blaming you for anything, let’s be honest. So click the button on the top or side of your phone to make it go to sleep, noisily and rudely push out the chair underneath your ass with your ass, and get to eating, my dear readers! Or drinking–one is never really sure what one is doing with a shake.
Kinesthetic Koolaata
In the tradition of the Coffee Coolaata at Dunkin Donuts,–that epic drink that, really was a hit with people from both sides of the aisle back when said people were able to find things in common with each other–is the inspiration for this next shake it ’til ya’ make it and then down-the-hatch-it recipe. Put some fertilizer banned under President Obama, some bullet-types banned under Obama, and some hate crimes outlawed under Obama into your moth and swallow. Now, before you did, jump up and down to shake the ingredients together in celebration of how great it is that you can make this deregulated drink…and oh, you’re dead. Oops–I should have warned you that that can be one of the side effects of deregulation…death.
Gimme Gimme Gimme
My final earthquake-in-a-glass idea for you is called a Take Shake. It’s all the things you think are being taken from you as a woe-is-me Trump supporter-type. For years, tons of other people had zero opportunities, health care, or access to afforable. education. Where were. you then? Oh, right–it’s hard to even remember now, because why notice stuff unless when it’s always there. But now that–gasp!–blacks, gays, Latinos, women, Jews, Muslims and others are like please stop shooting, conversion-attempting, family-ripping-apart-ing, Swastika-ing, and entry-denying us, we’re like, “They’re taking our jobs, our guns, our hard-earned income! Never!” So toss those into a blender. Throw in some f—s given by anyone else, ability to remain as myopic and provincial as possible, and your idea that America Is a benevolent do-gooder. Add a few drops of your self-piying tears–oh, and wait, some heterosexual privilege! Now turn that sucker on! Watch it all vortex into a brown, chunky stew and glug glug it down your gullet.
I Wish I May/I Wish I Might
But you won’t. Even if you may/might wish it, you won’t. What you won’t do is enjoy these drinks–or, again, are they foods? Who can tell! And more to the point, who wants to? We’re right-wing. We just wanna do what the devils employed by right-wing media outlets, even the outlets that can only be described as rinky-dink (on a good day), tell us to do. So stir up some of those bat-s–t crazy potations and toast to the end of the world. The one you thought you wanted because you couldnt have the U.S. of A. aww to yoursewwf. Oh, well,
Bye-bye, Miss American Pie
Until next week: eat, drink, and be merry. Because the dissolution of our republic–thanks to the mealy-mouthed morons on the right–is pretty scary. We might as well be able to enjoy chow-time!
Also: The 2 Alt-right blood sports you gotta get in on now.
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