Right-wingers in 2018 act like children–but not at all in any of the ways that make wee ones the most amazing, magical creatures on Earth./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, SergiyN.
Salutary and Salubrious Salutations, traditionalist health-seekers!
No, your Alt-peepers do not deceive you. It is, in fact, I, Deepika Choprawalla yet again, your Wellness guide here at your favorite Alt-right lifestyle blog. You may under the impression that because we do enjoy imprisoning toddlers in cages at detention centers around the U.S. of A. that we don’t like kiddos. Wrong! We don’t like brown kiddos. And there’s a big difference between brown ones and Alt-right ones. The latter are white–white as snow. And yet they’re not Snowflakes. Now, we don’t have any particular love for kids even of our own race, but we do like behaving like spoiled, petulant, simpleminded peeps. That’s kids at their worst. Children are everything that’s pure and good about the sick collective of creatures known as humanity. But leave to us Alt-ies to extract from their example the negative ways of behaving. And that’s what we’ve done, having a collective cultural temper tantrum in the form of electing and defending King Baby himself,  President Donald J. Trump. In order for you to cope with our groupthink decision to behave like bratty rug rats, I’ll review some tips on how to live life in the most babyish way possible, so that you’re certain to, as the tagline for this very website goes, Live Your Worst Alt-Life™.
Related: Why the WH hired a canine body language expert.
The Basics of Childhood Learning
“Piaget’s studies concerning how children acquire knowledge led him to differentiate three distinct kinds of knowledge:
- Physical knowledge (external reality as observed in a sensory-motor way by children)
- Logical-mathematical knowledge (mental constructs of relationships, such as classifying by size or shape that occurs in the child’s brain)
- Social-conventional knowledge (agreed-upon conventions of society, such as the names given to numerals, alphabet letters, and so forth) [Kamii, 1990)”
Such is the input on this topic of great concern to us adult babies by Janice J. Beaty in her textbook for preschool teachers, Preschool Appropriate Practices, Third Edition.
You–and I, it must be said–get a big fat F, a thumbs down, and a timeout for your lack of achievement in all these areas. You’re not moving on to kindy-garten. For just three examples of your abject failure as conservatives in 2018, I submit to you the following:
- We’re incapable of receiving sensory cues from your environment and using those cues to understand what’s going on. You think the Mueller Probe is a witch hunt yet Hillary Clinton ran a child sex ring out of a pizza parlor.
- We think because he’s blond and white that President Trump is inherently better than dark and brown President Obama, which shows that our relationships to other members of society are not based on any sort of alignment with what is, only what we wish it were.
- Our collective decision has been to disregard, devalue, and generally dismantle all the conventions and codes that living in a civilized society used to entail until November 2016, so we’ve thrown out political protocol, rules of decent behavior, and the ethics that once governed American life.
Me, Me, Me–ALT-ME!
Most preschool teaching environments these days these, as Beaty points out, approach early childhood learning from this basic fact that research into childhood development has established: self-directed learning is how young ones learn the basic skills they need to be successful kindergarteners–and beyond! The teacher’s job in such an environment is to provide ways, usually in the form of learning centers around the classroom, for the preschooler to interact with and pick up the skills s/he needs to develop intellectually, emotionally, and culturally.
This is great for us right-wingers! We love all things self. Self. self, self. Whatever feels good, whatever’s comforting to our egos, and whatever our basic instincts tell us to do, that’s what we do. So bring on the learning centers. We’ll pick and choose what we want to and don’t want to take from them, based on what supports our cognitive and baby-brain biases.
And: Don’t Get Out the Vote-Meal oatmeal dishes to munch on while your vote’s being suppressed.
Taking Part and Taking Society Apart
Children must make their own choices in preschool learning settings, because by doing so, they become deeply involved in their acquisition of the skills and knowledge they need, Beaty notes. This is a tricky point for us Alt-adult toddlers. We can’t become too involved, after all, as then we might actually acquire some political agency informed by a correct abduction of the facts screaming to be noticed all around us, say, about how President Trump is a horrible person who doesn’t give a damn about us or really anything besides the enlargement of his already bloated ego.
The best thing for right-wingers to get “deeply involved” in is the consumption of the lies, disinformation, and outright fabrication presented to us via right-wing media outlets. So turn up that Fox News, refresh that Infowars web page, and crank up the volume on whatever conservative blowhard idiot you want!
You Don’t Have to Sleep, But You Do Have to Stay On Your Cot
That’s what we used to tell the pre-schoolers in a daycare I once worked at. It seems like good, nonsensical advice for you too, my little conservative charges. Do with it what thou wilt. Although, perhaps a nap is just what we all need. We are–we who populate the righ-wing of the contemporary political spectrum acting cranky, badly behaved, and downright unlikable ever since marginalized groups got a share of the extravagant cultural pie we’d gorging ourselves on for the past 200 years or so. We didn’t wanna take it, and no one can make us! And to prove that, we decided to turn this country we claim to be patriots of into a Russian colony, a place of unfettered Capitalistic horror, and a climate-changing hellhole. So take your nap. But just remember: this isn’t a dream. This is the reality we (thought we) wanted.
Now, dear readers, armed with the Wellness savvy you’ve acquired by reading this post thanks to this article by me on this Alt-right lifestyle blog called SYRW, go forth and increase your health, even if it means–nay, especially if it means–decreasing that of others.
Also: What the right and left and everyone in between has in common–a love of hotness.
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