“Facts not feelings,” we say–unless they’re our Alt-feelings./Image Licensed Adobe stock, radachynskyi.
Salutary and Salubrious Salutations, traditionalist health-seekers!
I trust that you are as unevolved, basic-instincts-oriented, and generally cave-dweller-esque as you were the last time we met as writer and reader here in the body of a post on no one’s favorite Alt-right lifestyle blog, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). I know–it’s funny that I, Deepika Choprawalla, being a rightist like you, trust anything, because our whole “thing,” if you will, of late is distrusting anything that doesn’t confirm our intellectual biases. Of course, one of my personal biases is that I think anyone reads this ridiculous, idiotic website, and my ridiculous, idiotic articles in particular, but the less said about that the better…at least for me. And despite the fact that I’m the Wellness columnist at SYRW, who ostensibly cares about you in any way, I really don’t. I don’t care about anyone but me, me, me. And it’s not even The Me Decade (that was the 1980s)! Go figure! Or go jump in a lake. It doesn’t really matter to me.
Today I want to apprise you of all the fabulous right-wing ways you can make your life even more conserva-awesome than it already Alt-is by employing the — principles of a holistic model of living we at SYRW have come up with called Irrational Living™. It’s the best kind of self-help advice: something you’re already doing that feels good to you, it’s just more of that something. It’s that something taken to new, truly unhinged heights–or depths in this case.
Why Irrationality?
We’re not exactly ones who ask “why,” SYRW readers, we rightists. No, if things are going well for us, we just sit back and enjoy the ride. To hell with other people’s experiences. Of course, when things aren’t going well for us, we’re completely incapable of seeing the actual reasons for it, even we’re walked right up to the conclusions we should make. President Barack Obama presided over what anyone–excuse me, what any-rational-one would describe as a golden era in American life. He was a proponent of common-sense gun legislation, and also he was black, so we just couldn’t see it! And we elected his exact opposite to be president after his terms in office were up, a sort of democratic revenge by way of the ballot box. So we’re basically unreasonable, illogical–yes, irrational–folks. Getting on board SYRW’s Irrational Living™ campaign will be easy as poisoned pie for you. God knows, if something isn’t, well, you’re just not going to do it!
The How: Some Examples
Essentially, what I’m encouraging you to do today is to live your life based solely on emotional reactions and responses. But not even really ones that make sense. Here are some examples.
Ouch–Do It Again!
If someone walks up to you and punches you in the face, spits on your head as you double over in pain, and then tells you he’d like to do that to you again, a normal person might run as far away from this fellow and file a police report. But not you, irrational, delusional you. What you’re going to do is scream, “Dang it, that hurt! Stupid gays trying to get equal rights! Not if I have anything to say about it!
That’ll Be $1,000,000,000.99, Please
Imagine yourself at the grocery store. You’re waiting in line as the cashier rings up your items. She tells you your total is some exorbitant, nonsensical amount of money. As you angrily hand her payment, try to get your thoughts in line with the following as much as possible: I’m being forced to pay this much not because capitalism is an economic system that inherently prizes money-making entities over people, but because of the Socialist Deep State and all social-safety-net programs it wants to provide me! Remember what Sean Hannity, Jeanine Pirro, and Tucker Carlson told you, even if it made no sense at all and was on its face patently untrue. This is Hilary-Obama-Schumer-Pelosi’s fault. And President Donald Trump’s going to make it all better.
And: Get the details on the ad the Trump Admin uses to recruit “talent.”
Guilty Unconscious
If you see a large orange man that you elected president kowtowing to Russian Vladimir Putin when the latter has been proven incontrovertibly to be meddling in elections in the U.S. of A., if you’re shown an email from that president’s douchebag son that admits he met with Kremlin-connected agents to swing the 2016 presidential election in his father’s favor, and if you’re told time and again of evidence of Trump’s obvious blackmail-based relationship with Putin, well, only a rational person would find all of these things to be more than enough proof that Trump colluded with Russia to get himself elected president.
Instead, an irrational person screams in response, “The Mueller Probe is a witch hunt!”
A Mentality of Irrationality
I know that your heart–well, if you had one–is–or would be–pounding out of your chest with excitement at the prospect of putting into practice these doltish, moronic, and asinine items of conservative counsel. Can you at least sit tight for the next 200 words or so until this article’s over? Jeez! I want to at least believe that my articles are being read through to the end. And even though I wasn’t willing not to insult you and, indeed, treat you with any sort of dignity or respect at the outset of this articular fantabulosity, I expect you to do those things for me. That should be a concept oh-so-familiar to you, my simpleminded right-wing charges, after all. We are, those of us populating the right-wing of the contemporary political spectrum in the good ol’ big fans of expecting stuff from others that we happily begrudge them. An example of this is we want everyone to suffer under the oppressive weight of our nightmare of a choice for president. But we’re, in fact, getting our revenge for their choice for president, Barack Obama. Guess they’re shit outta luck, huh?
Now, dear readers, armed with the Wellness savvy you’ve acquired by reading this post thanks to this article by me on this Alt-right lifestyle blog called SYRW, go forth and increase your health, even if it means–nay, especially if it means–decreasing that of others.
Also: You have your Alt-man–now what? Find out how to keep him!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
