Squish, squash, democracy’s dead,–not that much of a “losh”./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, spaxiax.
Gustatory Greetings, Tasty Traditionalists!
It’s always good to have a meal to place on a cheap, folding table in front of you to eat as you watch the right’s completely dishonest, shameless account of President Donald J. Trump’s latest malfeasance on Fox News. The meal part is why you have me, the latest malfeasance part is one I’ll apprise you of in the next paragraph.
So, that simply terrible woman who did nothing at all wrong, and in fact did the nation a favor, when she posed with a fake, severed Donald Trump head in a photo and then was publicly shamed for it and basically exiled from life from what smart people on the left called a too-tame-if-anything artistic expression that she had every right to engage in, launched a comeback comedy tour last week, as noted by pop culture critic Jake Nivins of The Guardian.
“The centerpiece [of Griffin’s latest act], as anyone who’s watched Griffin make talk shows rounds in the last 12 months can attest, was her experience on the receiving end of attacks from a briskly mobilized, Trump-sanctioned army of far-right trolls and secret servicemen–a story that would seem exhaustively woe-is-me were it not the clearest example yet of the lengths the president will go to squash his critics and free speech. To hear her tell it: “The president and the government said I was never going to perform again,'”wrote Nivins.
Hooray! Horray on so many levels, dear Spread Your Right Wings readers. I have a squash meal idea based on what the points in this article say about the right’s zeal for quashing, or in British English, “squashing,” so even better, voices of opposition to advance our lock-step march into life in an authoritarian state.
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Heat Cooks–and Kills
As much as one hates squash as a child, one loves it as an adult, I find. As conservative adults with a barely more mature, sophisticated palettes, unlike our right-wing minds, which are fully immature and underdeveloped, I’m sure we all savor the sweet flavor and soft texture of the squash. Squash, remember, is of the gourd family, and we’re out. of our damn gourds, so there’s a lot of reasons squash meals in celebration of the quashing of any voices of dissent in pursuit of the right-wing project of 2018, whatever that can be said to be are a wonderful, culinarily Alt-right choice for you, my dear readers.
My first meal suggestion for you is this scrumptious Yellow Squash Casserole, courtesy of Real Housemoms. Now, this meal is fortuitously symbolic for the morons on the right, also known as “us,” for a couple reactionary reasons. The first is that it’s based on yellow squash, of course. That’s what color we are! We’re cowards of the highest order, more protective of our egos and how much it would hurt those precious things if we were to say, “We made a huge mistake, we must stop this president NOW,” than we’re protective of this country we claim to be huge patriots of.
Also, a casserole is a bunch of ingredients that look recognizable as what you know them to be when you put them in the casserole dish. Then, they bake for a while, and they come out fried and unrecognizable. This is what the right has always wanted to do to the Earth, and we really always have done it, but now, in the Trump Era, we’re getting a chance to do it at lightning speed. Much as if we placed the planet that is our only home in a microwave, actually. Fun! And delicious.
Roasts Suck, Except…
President Donald Trump, the guy we all wanna bend over and get f—-d with no lube by–oh, wait, we are doing that,–is notoriously unable to take even the slightest bit of ribbing, teasing, or joshing. But he loves a good squashing–of dissent! When a bunch of comedians or at least people who can make others laugh–you know, people who have senses of humor?–get together to send up a person in good fun, it’s called “a roast.”
So is this Oven Roast-ed Squash recipe. Mmm, mmm–that’d really hit the spot when you’re blood sugar, nutrients, and good fats are depleted from handing over our the reins of our government to Russian President Vladimir Putin via his b—h, Trump. right? You might even pair it with a nice Merlot. Getting and being hammered always makes it easier to watch the rapid, yet still torturously slow, death of something you at least thought you loved. In case it wasn’t clear, in this case, I meant the United States of America.
And: How to make the entrances and exits in your home be oh-so-Brexit-esque!
Posterior Person Who’s Not With It Mentally
Before your stupid self is like, “What’s she talking about?” I meant Butternut. As in Butternut Squash. That lovely veggie is the basic ingredient in my next stomach-strokingly good recipe suggestion for you.
I made it my last suggestion for a reason, because it’s the flourish on my list of Downfall of Democracy-Based meals. The reason it’s the flourish, my dunderheaded friends, is that it requires you to take something and blend it. That’s literally altering it’s molecular structure irreversibly! It goes from solid to liquid. Like all flourishes–it’s a final stroke with flair!
And in case it wasn’t abundantly clear, given that I’ve said it flat-out like 1,000 times in the previous 1,000-or so words, that’s what I’m suggesting is happening to the American experiment in democracy. It’s going from solid, well, to a gas, really, smoke, as in it’s all going up in smoke. Hey, nothing lasts forever and we had a good run and all’s horrific that ends horrific! That makes it OK! Yes, it’s all fine. Find, fine, fine.
And also, the reason I said like a million times something super-plainly and obviously is because even when someone all but stops short of saying, “I colluded with Russia and I continue to,” like our dear president this week in Helsinki with Putin, we right-ists are like, “Well, what’s really happening is…”
I hope you’re happy with yourselves. And hungry–because then you’ll make the above meals. Actually, like all right-wing media personalities, I have zero invested in what actually happens to you, I’m just saying the stuff I’m saying for the paycheck. Bye!
Final Thoughts on Our Final Moments…and Final Meals!
Now, go forth and chow down! But promise me you won’t do so without a full bottle of Imodium by your side, as we right-wingers secretly hate what’s happening, but we can’t bring ourselves to admit it. And since the gut is the new brain, as they say, all this anxiety comes out in the form of loose stools. Yes, diarrhea, if my experience and that of the members of our self-styled tribe are any indications. We’re going to the bathroom a lot these days, and it’s of a very liquid consistency!
Until next week bon appetit, cheers, and salut.
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