That’s democracy on its way out the door–thanks to Trump, and thank god!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, bonninturina.
Come sit next to me, Alt-design buffs!
Now, your peepers doth not deceive you. It is I, Marla Stewan, the Interiors columnist over here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), no one’s favorite Alt-right lifestyle blog that always leaves you scratching your head wondering, “Why, again, did this information need to be presented in a right-wing context?” Today, I want to discuss a home decor topic that we don’t always pay much attention to, that of the areas of egress and exit, or more aptly “BrIngress” and Brexit, to give that needlessly Alt spin I just mentioned. This is timely, prescient, and oh-so-conservatively relevant because of the most recent examples of bumbling attempts-and-fails at diplomacy our dear, sweet leader President Donald J. Trump managed this week as he made us all look like coarse, stupid, fart-faces across the pond in Jolly Old England.
“President Trump put his brand of confrontational and disruptive diplomacy on full display Thursday, unsettling NATO allies with a blustering performance in Brussels and then, in a remarkable breach of protocol, publicly undercutting Prime Minister Theresa May of Britain in an interview published hours after landing in her country,” reported Stephen Castle and Julie Hirschfeld Davis of The New York Times, a publication we call “Fake News” when it’s convenient for us. Trump, apparently, said May had bungled the already-blunging decison of Great Britain to leave the European Union, an act known as Brexit.
But unlike the Liberal Loonies of the world, we like this story, because it’s just the kind of boorish, adult-baby behavior we elected Trump to engage in. So, I figured I’d offer some suggestions on how you, my dear SYRW readers, can have the comings-and-goings in your very own home fall in line with the idiocy and immaturity–indeed, the rapidly advancing senility–that inspired Tump’s behavior this week across the pond.
Related: Why the Thai soccer team stuck in a cave is a bunch of Snowflakes.
The Bourgeoisie and the Rebel
Madonna, that whore entertainer, noted that music makes this two societally disparate types come together in her classic club anthem, “Music.” And so, because we on the right are all about coming together–as long as the people coming together belong to our self-styled tribe and are doing so for the purpose of making the world worse a la conservative politics–my first idea for an entrance/exit in your Alt-castle are to incorporate music into it. Attach speakers to the moldings of any and all doorways in your home. Hook those speakers up to a sound system that will start playing the national anthem as soon as someone crosses the threshold of these doorways. That way no one will be able to come into or out of your cheesy McMansion without being reminded of what a faux patriot you are, one who claims to love “America” but refuses to believe its democracy is on its way out because of Trump and his team of dunces.
Simple: Not Just a State of Mind
Sure, simplemindedness is kind of, like, our thing over here on the right wing of the contemporary political spectrum. But that doesn’t mean our basic pursuits have to stop at how we think. We’ve gotta think outside the coffin-like box we’ve boxed ourselves into if we’re gonna keep this assmunch-train going! And so, I offer you the following simple suggestion.
Sink hundreds of dollars into a giant American flag, hundreds of dollars you’ll never see again. You don’t need those ducats–you’ve got universal healthcare, free university-level education, and homeowner subsidies to fall back on. Oh, wait–that’s not you, that’s the billions of citizens of every other modern industrial nation. Anyway, still, get an American flag. Now “distress” it–burn it, leave it out during a hurricane, have your pet shit all over it. That’s what Trump’s doing, after all, metaphorically speaking, and we’re grinning like idiots and cheering like Nazis at rallies around the country watching him.
And: The horrifyingly awesome ad the Trump Admin uses to recruit “talent”
Take your distressed flag, now, and hang it willy-nilly and loosey-goosey and haphazardly about around the most-used doorway in your home, sort of like the saddest garland at the most horrific Christmas party. Done and done–the American experiment and this hideous design idea!
New Heights, New Lows
You know those adorable, charming pencil marks on people’s doorjambs that mark their kids’ heights at different times? Well, they’re the source for my next idea about how to so-right-its-wrong-ify your home, dear readers.
Each day, however many times a day you can, back yourself up against a doorway in a much-loved, much-used room in your domicile. Mark where your empty head reaches up to–or down to, really–as your spine sags for shame at the horrible electoral choice you made when you voted for Trump and how embarrassed you are to call yourself an American. Try to make do this in a room in your home that you and your hetero-family use a lot, but that non-relateds won’t likely see. After all, we have to keep acting like we love the total mess Trump’s making of our nation in every way, shape, and un-filled-out-form-because-of-deregulation.
And there you have it! Three labor-intensive, supposedly-DIY ways to make the hi-goodbye areas of your home conserva-domiciledumb…just like you are. You needn’t thank me–not that any reader ever has. You simply need to waste your time enacting my advice in some very real ways in your Alt-abode. That’s thanks enough for me. That and the tiny financial recompense I’ll receive from the horrible, right-wing media overlord bosses that run this site and take advantage of my interior design “expertise” and willingness to write about the asinine concept of making home furnishing a partisan affair. Knowing how grateful you are as you accidentally hammer your own thumb, drip hot glue on your carpet, and find new and inventive ways to mess up these already messed-up ideas will help me sleep like a baby tonight and every remaining five nights in between now and my next column. Well, the 12 ounces of grain alcohol I’m going to drink from an opaque travel coffee mug will help too.
Remember to shut the door on your way out—but don’t let it hit you on your ass!
