Dark and dank–like the souls of right-wingers themselves!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, macropixel.
Hi, my name is Tow-MeToo Larenn. I’m right-wing blowhard and Fox News commentator Tomi Lahren’s doppelganger. Like her, I am everything that’s wrong with the world, in human form. My look is “sexualized toddler,” hence I wear short, sleeveless dresses and stripper heels exclusively. My hair is bleached to the point of being blinding and also unflattering. My skin is orange to the point of Trumpian-ness and, again, unflattering. And also stupid and annoying. Because I’m willing to accept as many pussy-grabs as it takes to keep a job that allows me to drink as many iced lattes as I want and be like, “I totally have, like, my own talk show,” I decided to put the #metoo right in my name. I’ll debase myself as much as it takes so that the big, strong Daddys at Fox News, like Bill Shine and Sean Hannity, keep telling me I’m a good, sexy little girl. I grew up rich, used various forms of privelige in subtle ways to graduate toward the bottom of my class at a seventh-rate school, and because I can spout Christian-white-heterosexist rage super-quick, loud, and on-demand, I got my own talk show at Fox News.
One of the main things I like to scream-like-a-banshee about while wearing a sarcastic sneer of callous over-it-ness is these oversensitive, liberal Snowflakes, as I call them, who want everyone to be granted basic rights of human dignity and a social safety net, just because that’s the way all enlightened, advanced peoples would do it. I’ve never had a problem that I couldn’t run to the bathroom and spit at my reflection for standing silently in the face of, so I don’t see how anyone else could. Just buy comfort and ease in life, like I do. If you can’t afford it–well, that’s not my problem. And also, you can afford to, you just aren’t working hard enough to make the money to afford to. That’s the right’s–hence, my–simplistic, self-affirming narrative, at least.
Related: Get some political stakeholder steak meal ideas!
Grudging Allowances
Now, I always got a really big allowance from my merchant-class parents who came into new money just before I was born, but I’m only going to allow for one thing, grudingly, when it comes to the members of that Thai youth soccer team. They were practicing for a sport, one that may train to entertain me, a white person. And even when we have either no interest or nefarious interests in other races, we do enjoy it when they sing, dance, play–even hunt with, as in colonial India!–us. So, being the you’re-very-welcome-for-how-tolerant lass I am, kudos for those Thai boys currently being rescued from a cave by technology invented, I’m sure, only by the brow-sweat of a white man.
Brassy Blond Hair Tacks
Let’s get down to brass tacks, people, and not just because my hair color is brassy. Whatever laudatory (Whoa!–I need to sit down after using a tri-syllabic word. Look at me: always giving, and giving, and giving some more in my efforts to increase the intelligence and erudition in the world, in case that wasn’t clear so far in this article)…well, stuff, can be said about the world’s favorite Brown Victims Du Jour, one fact remains inescapable, undeniable, and reprehensible: they are paid actors hired by the left to make children as a whole seem sympathetic so that denizens of this Christian, White Homeland of ours called the U.S. of A. are more likely to shed tears of snowflakey slush for the other brown kids in the news these days.
I, Myself, and I Went There
Yeah, I sure did. go there–and there ain’t no goin’ back, fellow right-wingers! What’re you gonna do about it, Snowflakes? I called you out on your shameless use of paid kids to make a use the big, loving hearts of Christo-whites against their own best interests. You should be ashamed of yourselves! I hear that shame is thing you Liberal Loonies are capable of feeling. It is–right? Have you no boundaries or limits or compunctions (another three-syllable-er!)? You make me sick, which actually I wasn’t sure I was able to anymore, given that I loudly and often jump to the defense of a vag-grabber, Nazi-sympathizer, and minority-deligitimizer.
And: How Smart TVs can help you up–and dumb down!–your right-wing political game.
Miss Solipsism
Experiences beyond a three-foot radius around a big–but thin!–and important person named Tow-MeToo Larenn are inconceivable to me. I hope that’s clear. Actually, I don’t care at all if it is. We right-wingers, led by moronic dolts whose lives of privilege and solipsism, coupled with the inherent lack of life experience that comes with youth are taking this country back from the feminists, blacks, gays, cripples, Jews, Muslims, Latinos, and educated intellectuals who want to tell us what to think, how to speak, and when to act. Not so fast, women and minorities! We’re going to tell you how to do all those things. And basically, it’s this: shut up and get out of our way. The world has always been mine for the taking, and I’m not going to let some thumb-sucking Thailandistanians stuck in a cave–who gets stuck in a cave, anyway, and just so we’re all on the same page, what is a “cave” again–take column space, airtime, and megabytes of media attention away from white as snow–hey, wait! D’oh! Anyway, I’m not going to let some brown-skinners who were stupid enough to get stuck underground take attention away from me.
Attention makes me feel valid, like my Daddy’s love that I never got. I need it, and I’m going to get it. And one of the ways I’m going to usurp the focus onto my average-looking self is by telling those with Third World Problems that my the non-problems of a provincially minded, arrogant, cold-hearted demon like me are much, much more important than theirs. This is even the case when the Brown Boy Lives Matter More Than Mine How Is That Even Possible No One Is Saying That You Butthead are stupid, little soccer players in some country that doesn’t even believe in Jesus! If you give whiny brats attention, they’re just going to whine and be bratty more. I should know–I am one. Let’s tell Brown-Cavers and cease talking or thinking about them after the standard outro in this article.
Also: The appalling–so, great for us Alt-ers–ad the Trump Admin uses to recruit “talent.”
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