“Great! Welcome to our Team of Morons!”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Antonioguillem.
Hey, my right-wing Chatty Cathys!
It’s me, Bubbles MacMillan, your uber-connected right-wing gossip with some seriously juicy tidbits for you., as always. I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else. Lean in close!
Actually, back up, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers. Your clueless non-effort at masking your coffee breath is making me sick. Jeez–get a breath mint! You’re never going to go anywhere in life emitting such noxious fumes. But then again–you’re a right-winged Trump supporter. Your deplorable ass was never really going much further than a ten-mile radius around the trailer you were conceived in. As a “leader” of the right-wing of the contemporary U.S. political spectrum, I can say horrible things to you that clearly shows I don’t give a flying fig about you, and even so, I can still be 100 percent sure you’ll believe everything I say and keep coming back for more. You’re a classic abuse victim like that.
Anywho, I did do you a solid–even went out of my way for you this week–though it gave me a little thrill, and if anything were really at stake. rest assured I wouldn’t have done it. I got my hateful little hands on an ad that the administration de President La Donald lets only certain people see in limited contexts to recruit higher-level staff positions in its communications department, policy team, and even its Cabinet. It won’t surprise you to know that when people are fired or quit jobs in Trumpistan, the merry band of staffing idiots look for replacements by plundering, pillaging, and sacking the home of the apotheosis of Western civilization: Fox News, as this article by Michelle Grynbaum at the New York Times details. Bill Shine, ex-higher-up at Fox News–oddly named because he has no soul hence isn’t shiny at all–was just hired by Team Trump to be the Deputy Chief of Staff.
An ad appears in-house on at the Fox News headquarters, and I repeat its text verbatim to you below.
Related: Design your own immigrant child detention center.
Calling All Dinguses
Here’s the text of the ad I found! You’re never going to believe it–and by “never,” I mean you’ll get an almost sexual thrill from its open depravity and shameless stupidy–not to mention bald-faced cupidity.
“The Administration from Alt-Hell, President Donald J. Trump’s, is looking for someone to fill an upper-level staff position. You needn’t know more, as your employment background, unless it’s playfully tossing softball questions at His Royal Authoritarianness because he’s too senile to answer a substantive question on his feet and because you’re comfortable with the end of democracy you hasten through your daily work, isn’t a concern to us. Also, actual experience crafting political policy, serving a constituency, indeed, performing well at any job is immaterial. In fact, all of those would be seen as attributes of swamp denizens. And we’re all about a faux-populist revolution of swamp draining, shaking things up just because or Christo-Anglo asses felt excluded. All you need is this: a set of lips light in color that enjoy making contact with the wrinkly, peppered with little pimples on the fake-orange buttocks of President Trump.”
We’re Too Sexy
Aren’t we though, fellow rightists? Isn’t this all so…hot, this chaos, this tempest, this what-will-happen-next? Since it began, I find myself even more grateful for the manly embrace of my hubby, and by manly embrace, I mean sexing like a good-right wing wife, e.g., lying still until it’s over. The constant horror that among ourselves even we who ushered in the downfall of the U.S.A. experiment makes the sporadic moments of non-horror more wonderful, it’s my firm belief.
And: Get some steak meal ideas for Alt-political stakeholders.
I asked one of my oh-so-connected Inside-the-Beltway insiders who’s been hired based on response to this ad. This person’s face immediately blossomed into a Cheshire cat grin that told me yes. But this closeted gay’s finger immediately went up to his lips, which were puckered into a kissy shape.
Aside from the dull Shine, my insider source wouldn’t say.
And so it was with another source who only winked and poked at me with his #HimToo elbow, which I found degrading and annoying, but kept to myself. Even the right-wing janitor at the who scrubs the Oval Office on hands and knees, whom I know knows something, merely winked at me. That I found oddly titillating, as his uniform with the cursive “Paco” written on it and a tank-undershirt beneath it was a total turn on.
Dress Not for the Job You Have
But for the job you want. In case you wanted some useless, trite, unhelpful career advice today, there it is. Now you’ll make those millions you keep telling yourself you could make if you just buy enough lotto tickets in a store that smells of industrial antiseptic floor cleaner and slushy drinks. This is the American nightmare, after a–er, wait…dream. t’s the dream. I’m happy! We all are. We just need to get those women and minorities demarginalized again, and everything will go back to the way it was. It has to. It simply has to!
If you’re anything like me–and we’re the same level of right-wing, callous stupidity and guns obsession, It’s just that I have more money–you’re likely already in the process of submitting your own name and resume to be a Trump admin member. I can tell you that unless you’re moderately presentable comportment and unless you’ve spent a lifetime kissing Republic patootie, it ain’t happening. But your naive, Republi-belief that anything can be yours if only you work hard enough is…charming, in a weird way, I guess. I, unlike you, have a high-paying, even higher-faluttin’ job at a pointless, no-name Alt-right lifestyle blog, the one your optical rods and cones degenerate as you scan right now. I don’t need a job in the Trump Admin. I much prefer working in a cramped, cluttered cubicle under the buzz of fluorescent lights in a strip-mall office complex. On that horrifying note, I’ll be off!
Until next week, SYRW readers, remember: you didn’t hear this from me!
Also: Get the 411 on a linguist’s take on anti-“politically correct” language crusades.
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