See–doesn’t look so bad!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Vaclac Mach.
Come sit next to me, Alt-design buffs! Rest your weary, Alt-right bones, I know a life of white hetero privilege, during which even if you’ve been down and out, you always knew you had recourse, has been so hard on you. Excuse me while I get a violin, some tissues, and a canoe to paddle myself down the river I’m about to cry you. And me–us! Everything is just so hard when you’re the proverbial kid and the world’s your equally proverbial candy store. Some kids who won’t be going to a candy store any time soon are the spawn of undocumented immigrants, those show-me-your-papers-or-get-out-types who are now locked in detention centers around the country, because we right-winger have President Donald Trump wrapped around our Protestant, white, straight, cisgender fingers, will do, apparently and literally anything to keep us “happy,” if we can be called that. I, Marla Stewman, have some ideas to help you make and design a detention center in which to house the children of undocumented immigrant adults who get deported because that’s what they asked for.
Correct me if I’m wrong–although I’m Alt, hence the lack of intellectual conceit that comes from self-awareness and/or an evolved soul isn’t something I’m familiar with–but my prisons-for-brown-wee-ones design ideas to come in this article already have you itching to insert your credit card into a chip reader to buy some knick-knacks, doo-dads, and even some hooey to put your own Alt-spin on the ideas below. I’m quite impressed with myself, too. I’m sure my delusional, smugly self-satisfied stance is part of what appealed to you about this week’s design article by Moi on everyone’s favorite right-wing lifestyle blog. So, take all the inspiration I’m about to drop on you like bullets–our FAVORITE things here on the right–and go make the world a much worse place, as always. Just because you’re Alt-right, and actively doing the most harm possible is kinda your–our!–thang.
Related: The truth about anti-“politically correct” Alt-protestations.
Whips and Chains
No, this isn’t the brown-kid version of 50 Shades of Grey. It’s your first (and really, second as well) design-guidance vis a vis your very own private immigrant children’ detention center. Given that most of our Alt-readership here at SYRW is white people, we’re assuming you have some weird tool shed on your property somewhere that looks like a mini-Ryan-Home for a serial killer’s victims. This is where you should put the immi-kids, a.k.a, immigrant kids you get your hands on, much as Gargamel did the Smurfs. On the walls, I think it would be a good life choice to install some shackles to secure around the wrists of your prisoners, essentially hanging them like so much decor from the shed edifice, or “shedifice.” Always keep a leather whip, oiled to psychotic perfection, nearby. You should obviously use it om this sub-human border-boarder of yours any time you fancy. But keeping in sight will also serve as a form of deeply traumatizing psychological torture that will let this youngun know what the deal is at all times.
Grind Down Their Souls
Comfort, coziness, softness, visual appeal–these are all design concerns for people you don’t want to kill the souls of, hence, not Latino children. So forget everything you probably didn’t know anyway about the goals of interior design, given that you’re a right-winger, and walking and chewing gum at the same time likely poses a significant challenge to you.
What you want to do in this supermax for future-MS-13 members, because that’s all Latino men can ever be to us conserva-a-holes, is make it as miserable to be in as possible. After all, if it’s too comfortable, should your inmates make it out alive they’ll have no reason not to return. Also, they need abject misery to teach them what we think of them here, North of the Border. This is why I suggest a cement floor in your caramel-skinned kiddo prison. Slabs of cement are, after all, the delegitimizing decor choice we’re most fond of here in the U.S. of A. Look at our public school! A good cinder block painted a vomitous color tells those inside, “You’re a burden, but we have to house you somewhere, we guess.” If you’re wondering why we’d we go this far to be cruel, the answer is, “Because we can.” And since we’re conservatives if we can behave horribly and get away with it, we’re going to!
Social Un-Restrooms
One thing that all mammalian offspring, even ones of the Hispanic species, need once they’re outside the womb, is a place to go potty, as cute white kids are wont to say. Again, if you give these brow-babe prisoners in your undocumented immigrant’s youth detention center a clean, secluded spot to do so, then they’re just going to want to come back. So don’t give them one. They’ll have to drop trow, as it were, in a corner and eventually be curled up in the oppostie corner of the detention center you Alt-kindly made them, to get as far away from their own excrement on the floor as possible. It’s so fascinating that even vermin have the innate desire to be as far away from piss and shit as possible!
And: Get some steak dinner ideas for the right-wing political stakeholder in you.
That’s my bonus tip, in case I didn’t make it as crystal clear as everything needs to be for you Alt-dummies to understand or accept it: use negative space–nothingness–as the place your personal brown prisoners, or brownsoners, relieve themselves. Design is as much about what you don’t do as much as what you doo doo…er, do do.
Alt Now While Supplies Last
As my parting tip to you, I leave you with this Christian-sparkling-white gem of wisdom. When you’re paid-under-the-table domestic worker comes to scrub your toilets next, tell her to bring her youngest child with her if that would make her job easier in that she wouldn’t have to find childcare and pay for it, because why provide for such a service when it might improve society. When she does. snatch the tot from her, screaming and crying, and lock that creature in your backyard detention center.
Non-Gracias Gratitude
As always, you needn’t thank me for any of this guidance, my Alt-right charges. I do it for the reward of knowing I’ve made the Earth more closely resemble Hades, not for some small-fry thanks from your inconsequential asses.
Ah, yes! I do have one more piece of advice. When the screams of your detainees become too much to bear, say to these brown kids freaking the eff out because they’re forced to sleep alone in your dungeon-like, makeshift home-based detention center: don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time, as the old saying goes. In this case, the crime is existing, so we’re saying it would be best for everyone if they simply…ceased to exist. Of course, as long as they’re not on our “homeland,” it’s cool with us, right, right-wingers?
Also: IJDGAF wear inspired by Melania’s coat of cruelty.
Now, please leave. And remember to shut the door on your way out.
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