Get out your scarlet letters and leeches for “medicinal” purposes–we’re going back in time!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, blantiag.
Ahoy, right-wing travel aficionados! It is I, Canisee Yourticket, the right-wing travel correspondent here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), the Alt-right lifestyle blog that always leaves you wondering, “How do I get back the ten minutes I wasted reading that trash?” Speaking of time, the broad, wide, and deep (but not Deep State!) goal of the contemporary right wing of U.S.A-politics can be said–and will be by me now–to be an effort to return us to the good ol’ days when tuberculosis killed everyone, there was no indoor plumbing, and Jews were isolated in ghettos. In case it wasn’t clear, this lovely place I speak of was The Past, and in particular the 19th century. We rightists yearn for a return to those days that were horrific struggles for everyone but hetero white dudes. And with Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy’s imminent retirement, which he announced this week and all the reporters at all the news outlets on the planet reported, such as Michael D. Shear of The New York Times, we’re not just a step but a trip off a cliff closer to that.
In anticipation of the conserva-society to come, let’s hop into SYRW’s fossil-fuel-powered time machine and get a little taste, amuse bouche, and down-the-hatch-dabble into what life was. like–and soon will be again–now that a moderate voice on the Supreme Court is on his way out, vacating the seat for this generation’s unhinged psychotic Alt-judicial activist like the late Justice Antonin Scalia!
Related: IJDGAF-wear inspired by Melania’s Coat of Cruelty.
Penicillin Was a Godsend
Whoa–that was a dizzying ride in the Way Back Machine. Here we are in a generic, American city at the turn of the 17th century. See the priggish townsfolk in billowing skirts and high-waisted pants walking around like the stressed-out and dumbed-down dolts people were! How did they ever live without Keeping Up With the Kardashians, I don’t know.
In this backyard of an average residential home to your left. note the tombstones, In 1800, people got bacterial infections, like tuberculosis, mentioned above, and hacked blood until they died. like, all the time. Most people would lose at least one child during the course of their lives to some horrid affliction, and then bury him or her in the backyard to be able to visit his or her grave often. So, fun times!
And yet, despite how horrible life was for everyone, the fact that demarginalized groups had no recourse or rights–gays were invisible, non-Christianity was unthinkable, and women had zero say in their own destinies–we righties want to go back to that. We like all the benefits of science, by the way, which has made so many diseases obsolete, let us spread like a wildfire of whiteness over the planet, and made contemporary constant-consumption culture a reality, but when it comes to global warming, an incontrovertible scientific fact, we chafe, resist, and demy.
“In the simplest terms, the Supreme Court is likely to begin siding more often with those who already have power–and against those who don’t have much. After decades of rising economic inequality and consolidation, it is a profoundly worrisome development,” wrote David Leonhard of The New York Times about Justice Kennedy’s retirement. Worrisome if you like progress. We on the right don’t, so we’re good.
We Want It Bad
We on the right get even angrier and more belligerent than we generally are when someone points out how inept and poorly executed everything is that Trump the political amateur does. However, we rejoice when he is calculating and strategic as the BTS campaign he and his Administration of Ass-munches undertook to shove Justice Kennedy off this next location on our whirlwind tour of the past called the Cliff of Jurisprudence. Oh–scared you when I just nudged you a little by the precipice of this sightseeing favorite, didn’t I? Ove this edge is the Supreme Court opening we Republi-jag-offs want so desperately to reverse-engineer “American” society to 19th-century ways.
“But in subtle and not so subtle ways, the White House waged a quiet campaign to ensure that President Trump had a second opportunity in his administration’s first 18 months to fulfill one of his most important campaign promises to his conservative followers–that he would change the complexion and direction of the Supreme Court,” Adam Liptak and Maggie Haberman of the New York Times reported.
Off to our next destination, SYRW readers!
And: Thoughts–limited, right-wing ones–on “politically correct” language crusades.
Monumental Monuments
Gaze upon this here beautifully engraved and inscribed sculpture in the town square on our last stop, This the Low Life Prospects Again Hope Stone, commissioned by the Koch brothers and etched on by rightist “writer” if she may be called that Ann Coulter, to serve as a visual reminder of and tangible expression of our commitment to the hateful hope that if we’ll only just keep banging, slamming, and bashing–much as one might do with one’s head against a rock, as it were–our insistence on oppressing everyone but non-Jewish-or-Muslim white dudes, like a hegemonic sledgehammer drywall wall of Western culture, we can mold this world into its bygone shape.
As much lasting change happens in increments–unless it’s the rare revolution–this return to a time described by writer Tucker Higgins at C strikes me as “like, totally 80s, dude.” A 20-year-U-turn is a good start on the way to the inglorious glory days of yesteryear. As Higgins writes:
“Anthony Kennedy’s retirement threatens to upend the Supreme Court on social issues, but big business will hardly notice.” What a masterful sentence. One dances and skips along to it, with a joyous curtsy at the end. Life is going to suck for everyone soon, except the merchant class!
Hello, Goodbye
And, we’re back. That sure was horrifying, wasn’t it? Well, all I can tell you is we made our Alt-beds, and now we’re going to lie in it and force the entire U.S.–the world, even–to join us. What’s the big deal, anyway? I can’t, for the life of me, understand why anyone would resist returning our collective lot to that of the sad sacks of the past. The rest of the world moves closer to a socialist-lite model of living, in which communities come together to provide for a strong social safety net and honors the dignity of all human life. Meanwhile, Americans whine about their guns and fetuses and right-to-discriminate, We’re an embarrasment to all of humanity. We should stick together in our ignominy, as we did on this heavenly outing back to the future.
I’ll see you here next week–same time, same place. I better go to customs to have ICE not harass me or even really pay attention to me besides a quick scan of my passport because I’m white. Poor brown people have to spend so much time getting over our borders, and sometimes they even die or have their kids taken away. It’s a good thing we’re not them!
Bon voyage!
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