We right-wingers don’t care and you can’t make us!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, xtock.
Ciao Bella, Conservative Cuties!
I hope this column finds you looking lovely on the outside even as polluted ice runs through your veins on this tone-deaf, callous, jerky day. That’s the kind of gal I am, and if there’s one thing we on the conservative end of the contemporary political spectrum love it’s being among members of our self-styled tribe! Even as the manufacturing chemicals that infuse and then emanate forth from the mass-market mall clothes that no doubt you don as a write this gives you that heady intoxication that comes from the simultaneous inhalation of these substances and the anti-knowledge that this time–this purchase–your life truly will be made better by what the hideous garments you take to the register, I hope you’re keeping your proverbial eyes on the right-wing prize. That is, of course, being a total and complete a-hole.
Of course, when you’re called out on your Obnoxious Outfit, you must feign innocence like, “It’s just clothes!” Clothes don’t matter, words don’t matter–nothing we do matters. We’re Alt and as the headline of this article says, we Just Don’t Give a F–k!”
Related: Read the first article in our Fantastic Fetus™.
Cheesily-Styled Hair, Don’t Care
By now, given that you, my dear readers of this beauty–and I use that term loosely, given that your ugly souls show right through on your Alt-exterior, oozing forth like sweat from your dermis–column here at everyone’s needlessly right-wing lifestyle blog Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), readers, must have heard about what may go down in history as the cruellest apparel-based choice in history. I, Emma Winter, refer of course, to the power-that’s-entrenched coat that First Lady Melania Trump wore to visit traumatized and being-traumatized children in McAllen, Texas, as reported by Alicia Brunker of InStyle and every other news outlet on the dying planet. We unearthed some outfit ideas from the darkest recesses of our simple minds that’ll help you send a message of indignant cruelty just as Melania did. When someone calls you out on what an awful person you are for these attire choices, you can, like Melania, get your Communications Director to issue a belligerent statement bemoaning the fact that the media chooses to focus on Melania’s wardrobe rather than all she does for children. Even I, a right-winger and fan of Melania’s must ask: what exactly does she do for children?
Mad As Hell and Not Gonna Take It Off Anymore
“I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore,” was the phrase Peter Finch’s character Howard Beale made iconic from the film, Network. But in the case of my first little clothing-based advice a la Melania’s coat of just one color–cruel–it’s that we’re not going to take it off anymore.
And: Get some steak meal ideas for Alt-political stakeholders.
Olfaction, the sense of smell, can be a powerful way to send a message. That’s why adult film stars wear it when attempting to bed President Donald Trump! Of course, we can’t discount the power of a striking visual. Or, in this case of the first right-wing garment I have to apprise you of, nauseating/sickening. They’re Pissed Off Pants. They bring home to passers-by way of nose and eyes that you are, in fact, pissed off that marginalized groups–indeed, anyone but non-Jewish white men–want a piece of the cultural pie. Each pair comes covered in dried urine in a parabola shape from the crotch down! When someone gives you a sideways look because you’re wearing them, you can scream at them, “Yeah, that’s right: I pissed my pants, didn’t wash them, and then wore them again to let you liberals know just what I think of your attempts to legitimize anyone but the members of my self-styled tribe!”
All Eyes on Me and My Shirt
If there’s one thing we right-wingers love, it’s attention at all costs. And if that attention also creates an opportunity to tell women and minorities to STFU with their whining about basic rights of human dignity, then all the better! That’s why I encourage you, my dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers, to invest in a Shut Up Shirt. It’s a button-down henley with the words “Shut” on the right panel and “Up” on the left. When some annoying leftie starts going on about equity and inclusion, well, then all you have to do is lock eyes with him or her and pull your shirt taut, first tacitly instructing them to read it, then telling them to be quiet, already!
Pup Covers
I, Emma Winter, find it so cute when people refer to feet as “pups.” What I don’t find cute is the left-wing agenda. That’s why I bought and encourage you to buy Stuff It Socks. They’re cozy containers for your feet, tired as they must be from your life of Christian, white, and heterosexist privilege, not to mention that which comes from lives lived as the insensitive clods we all are. Emblazoned on the exterior sole of each are the words Stuff It. Again, any time you feel the need to tell liberals to take their whining, i.e., their insistence on being treated as if they matter, elsewhere, just toss your shoes off, fall on the ground, and stick your footies in the air. You won’t even have to say a word, you’ll simply give mute testimony to the fact that you ain’t–we ain’t–even interested.
Also: On Verbal Hygiene by Deborah Cameron.
Locked, Loaded, and Ready to Exploded
You now have in your ornery Alt-arsenal, three textile-based sartorial weapons. Put them on, get locked and loaded, and go out and tell the world through your corporeal coverings just what you think of whiny, immigrant children; marginalized groups demanding a say in how society’s structured; and Liberal Loonies trying Nanny-State tell you how not to dress that you’re mad as global-warming-induced hell on Earth and not going to take it anymore. I mean seriously, it had been like five whole minutes since they began to secure basic human rights of dignity before we flipped the fudge out and elected a lunatic SOB to be president. That lunatic, President Donald Trump is getting the marginalized’s goat in all the horrific-to-them-but-not-to-us things he’s doing to the nation and its citizenry as their leader. And now the clothes in your closet say to the other side in this war: “Not so fast, women and minorities…not so fast.”
As you go about your right-wing lives this week, remember: Alt-is, as Alt-does…as Alt-looks!
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