If you really put your mind to it, even a fart can have a comely, right-wing flavor./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, lucamontevecchi.
What’s up, Alt-fun-lovers?! Game-y Greetings, Green-Hating Alt-Guys and Gals! Let’s play, make merriment, frolic, frisk, romp around, and just have fun, fun, fun in every way Alt-possible, dear, Spread Your Right Wings, hard-right, arch-conservative readers!
First, let us take a moment to appreciate the high-spirits glory of this moment. It’s been far, far, far too long, I think we can all Alt-agree since we–I, Merri Ment and my sweet, bitter right-wing readership, you–have convened in the abstract, intangible ether in which a writer and his fudged-up fans convene, in our case to discuss the most enjoyment-inducing and entertainment-producing ways for you to spend your conserva-time. Let’s vow to never let it happen again! And then break that vow if President Donald Trump, the man we will literally do anything to support, asks us to, so that we can keep an ill-advised, desperate death grip of control on this society we claim to love but are killing just so no one else can have any of it but non-Jewish whites.
Let’s turn our attention to gag gifts tinged with the only thing that could make them more useless than they already were: conservative politics. After all, I had to spend almost ten minutes in that plastic-filled, jammed-to-the-hilt-with-crap, tacky and trashy store in the Mall of White America to find these amazing Trump misdeed-inspired pieces of leisure-based garbage.
Every right-wing-er worth his hateful salt knows by now that President Trumperson is probably the worst person on the planet, i.e., someone we want to continue to support at all costs, based on the fact that he doesn’t even have empathy for children, whom it’s literally hard-wired into our DNA to have our hearts melted by. He’s callously and cruelly standing by his separation-at-the-border policy vis-a-vis immigrant families, despite the images of bawling babies, Nazi-era-esque detention camps, and, again, the fact that non-socipathic humans universally have the instinct to protect and nurture young’uns. He’s basically 2018’s Hitler. Every news outlet on Earth has reported this, of which this here article by Dara Lind at Vox is just one example.
Related: Get some political stakeholder steak meal ideas.
Ooze La La!
United States Secretary of Homeland Security Secretary Krisjten Nielsen is the Eichmann to his Hitler in this situation, enforcing his policies-o-evil. And so, because we on the right must, no matter what, support everything and everyone Trump-related, as we’ve made the morally bankrupt calculation that attaching ourselves to him and him to us in a sick, symbiotic, co-dependent relationship will keep us rich and powerful, we’ve got the hashtag #StandWithNielson trending and what not. Once again, Republicans are the party of law and order, apparently! How convenient. Five minutes ago we couldn’t shut the Hell-Is-for-Children-by-Pat-Benatar up about how Special Counsel Robert Mueller and the FBI and any law enforcement official or agency that dared challenge Trump’s abuses of power were illegitimate, conspiratorial hunters of witch. That’s called ideological putty-hood. Our so-called beliefs can be massaged, kneaded, and misshapen–much like an octopus squeezing itself through a keyhole–based on…well, whatever the moment calls for so we can ensure we stay the top dogs in the U.S. of A. we claim to be patriots of.
That’s where Moral Slime comes in. Keep this stealthily, stickily adhered to your palm and when someone points out what a horrible person you are for supporting Trump, Nielson, and child abuse, catch him or her off-guard by producing your hand for a shake. When they clasp your slime-lined mitt, they’ll get a clammy reminder–no words necessary!–that you don’t give an eff.
Right Wing Rants About Ants In the Pants
In one of his finest moments in this whole debacle, Donnykins said, after the outcry against border separations began, that illegal immigrants are “infesting” the country, in the time-honored tradition of race-baiters the world over to use vermin metaphors to refer to humans. See the awesome Tweet below. Then see this article by Aviya Kushner at Forward on the ugly history of pestilence metaphors to describe humans, one that we can never be sure if Trump is totally oblivous to given that he’s beyond stupid or frighteningly aware of given that he’s a horrific person.
And: The sparkling instantiations of humanity on display at GunCon2018.
Democrats are the problem. They don’t care about crime and want illegal immigrants, no matter how bad they may be, to pour into and infest our Country, like MS-13. They can’t win on their terrible policies, so they view them as potential voters!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 19, 2018
Next time an annoying-because-they’re-right Liberal Loony tries to argue that words matter, Latino migrant worker offspring aren’t like lice or rats, or that there’s anything but anything wrong with “cleansing” our country of these supposed human beings, you just produce an Ant Pack from your pocket. It’s….well, it’s a box full of red ants, pretty much. You just open it up, unleash them on your interlocutor, and walking away in stitches as that person itches himself or herself to the point of madness. Turning our backs on other people’s suffering is apparently something we’re super-good at, so don’t worry that the remnants of the instincts that once made you human will keep you from hitting the bricks in the opposite direction of this Infested American, or laughin your antic ass of as you do it.g
Burn Brown-Baby Burn
So sang The Trampps in their classic disco-era hit, Disco Inferno. Aah–disco: a musical style infused–infested, even!–with the capacity for innocent joy. Seems like a lifetime ago. And we’re dead inside, as right-wingers, so that’s pretty ironic.
Anywho, the last humor-based tchotchke that I’ve found for you that will leave you, like all these pieces of junk, asking why they’re called gag gifts, is a Cultural Firestarter. Let’s be honest for a moment, readers. It’s a repurposed matchbook, make no bones about it. I can tell you that I’m giving you information that clearly demonstrates that something’s against your best interests, and I know that you’ll still do what I tell you because you’re Alt, and that’s how you right-wing roll.
So, when you’re just sitting around wondering, “How can I add some totes awesome fun to this day, use the piece-de-garbage known as the Cultueal Firestarter to do it. Just set fire to sonething, much as we’re burning the proverbial nation down because someone–women and minorities–asked us to share a piece of the cultural pie, and our Mommies and Daddiest didn’t say we had to. As your arson target whithers inot non-exixstene smile like Hedda Gabbler burning the manuscript, except not like her because you’re too dumn to have read Ibsen’s classic.
Sometimes, when you’ve had too much fun, it can really be exhausting, I know. This was a common theme in the research I did for my Ph.D. thesis on how to live it up GOP-style at the University of Trump courtesy of the Department of Dunderheadedness (and yes, that’s all the departments at that fine institution, but especially this one). I’m guessing you, my darling anger-induced snarling readership needs a little nap, dontcha? Good thing your not a Latino child who has to catch some Zs in a cage ripped apart from your parents! Phew, right?
Before you go hit the sack, though, please read my final plug to engage in heterosexual gaiety with every Alt-fiber, Alt-cell, and Alt-iota of your no-longer-human being…That was it. That was my final plug. I certainly I was convincing. And by “hope,” I mean am mildly invested in, because as long as I have my addictions to money, status, power, and comfort to assuage me, I don’t actually really care what happens to anyone or anything. See ya’ next week.
Now, let’s go out there and get our recreation on, preferably in the crassest way possible and at the expense of others!
