We Alt-ies are coming to get you, brown people–ready or not!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Gina Sanders.
Salutary and Salubrious Salutations, traditionalist health-seekers!
As the right-wing flavored Wellness columnist here at everyone and no one’s most and least favorite Alt-right lifestyle blog, I, Deepika Choprawalla, often have the unfortunate task, which I take on willingly like any pity-me martyr, of reminding you, our dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers, that Wellness is the kind of thing that each of us experiences at a higher level when all of us, even Liberal Loonies and all the marginalized groups we hate and those who aren’t members of our self-styled tribe, are “well.” Thankfully, it’s my job as a rightist Wellness “expert” only to address the best practices that can and will help you achieve that nebulous, often relative, but super-important state of being called biopsychosocial…well, wellness. As for the non-right-wingers among our fellow citizens–let them figure it out themselves. We care about a group of people called “us.”
This week, I have some cutting-edge ideas on how to use the joy we right-wingers experience as a result of seeing President Donald J. Trump’s administration’s ripping families apart at our southern border in strict enforcement of immigration laws.
“President Trump and two members of his cabinet mounted an aggressive defense on Monday of his policy of separating children from their parents at the border in response to a growing outcry from members of both parties,” reported Katie Rogers and Sheryl Gay Stolberg of The New York Times this week. Not only is this great public policy, it can help us on the right be more well, in a holistic sense. Here are some ways it can do just that.
ICE Enforcement Is a Spectator Sport
To be as Alt-well as you can possibly be using the heartbreak of families of undocumented immigrants, open a newspaper, log on to a website, or turn on your TV. With just a little perusal of the news, you’ll see images of weeping children being forcibly separated from their parents. As you imagine the screams of infants, the fingers of the parents digging desperately into the flesh of their children, the space between them filled with pain and heartbreak, something will happen. Your soul will die. And then you won’t have to mind that part of you, making sure it’s wellness is in top shape. Because it won’t exist. Done and done!
More Is Better
As these immigrant families are forced out of what we hope to make our non-Jewish, white nationalist home, another magical thing will happen. The collective resources our society uses to care for its members, all put in place by liberal-thinking types, will be freed up. That means more for us on the right-wing! More money, benefits, entitlement programs, and all-around attention, attention, attention. Like spoiled, bratty children, we don’t want to share. And as more immigrants are ejected out of our Patria, we’ll have to less and less. And that will feel good, And feeling good is our facile, oversimplified, ultimately unhelpful view of the state of wellness we wish to achieve.
Cry Me a River
If you can get to an ICE detention center or a border crossing–really anywhere immigrant families are being torn apart because of what we on the right have wrought with our choice of president, you’re in luck. Get as close as you can to one of the shrieking, wailing, sobbing children and/or parents. Reach over and collect their tears.
Few know the juicy wellness tidbit I’m going to tell you now. Those immigrant tears are a potent anti-depressant. Drip them into your mouth, or better yet, absorb them intranasally for a lighting fast route into your bloodstream and then your brain. There, the tears–be they of immigrants–will increase the amount of serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine available to your neurons. You’ll notice within two to three weeks that you’re happier, calmer, more focused. And all that matters is you and your personal feelings of happiness at any given moment. Now, this immigrant-tear-induced bliss doesn’t last long, I’ll be honest with you. So, once you start on this path, you’ll be on a constant quest for more immigrant tears. Just sayin’.
And: Steak meals for political stakeholders.
Kinesthetic Catharsis
While you’re up close and personal with one of these immigrant families who simply must be wrested apart, I urge you to ask an ICE agent if you can actually partake in the act of separating an immigrant child from his or her immigrant parents. A study by Dr. Donjonnykins Trumperson at the Koch Institute for World Worsening found that physical act of immigrant family separation caused endorphins, another class of the body’s happiness chemicals, to flood the brain. So again, you’ll feel good. Nothing else matters!
Kids as Mules
People who transport drugs illegally over the border are sometimes called “mules.” If you can get to the border and insert yourself into one of these acts of immigrant-family-separation, tell one of the hopeless people involved in it that you can ensure they’ll be able to come back to our side if they bring you some OxyContin or another opiate. Those make us whites feel really good. So: wellness increased!
We Dream Big
This is the apotheosis of what my weekly column for SYRW aims for, dear readers: to find ways the shenanigans of current personalities in Alt-right culture embody methods of self-care. I’m going to sleep like a baby tonight, knowing I’ve done my duty vis a vis my right-wing charges–you! Happily, many babies of undocumented immigrants won’t sleep tonight, having been wrenched from their families by ICE agents enforcing draconian immigration laws. Oh, well. Ho hum. They had it coming, these undocumented families the Liberal Loony Left would have us feel sorry for. They shouldn’t have fled their home countries in search of a better life in the U.S. of A. if they weren’t ready to face the consequences of not doing it through the proper channels, and we’re certainly not obligated to help them do so. Immigrants are the cause of all our problems, anyway. Once we get rid of them, we’ll return to the golden age of jobs in coal mines for whites, lots of guns for whites, and just generally stuff we love…for whites.
Also: Looking your conserva-best while your votes are being suppressed!
Now, dear readers, armed with the Wellness savvy you’ve acquired by reading this post thanks to this article by me on this Alt-right lifestyle blog called SYRW, go forth and increase your health, even if it means–nay, especially if it means–decreasing that of others.
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