A charming townsperson from ItTakesOnetoKnowOneVille./Image Licensed Adobe stock, BillionPhotos.com.
Ahoy, right-wing travel aficionados! It is I, Canisee Yourtickett, the new travel correspondent at everyone’s least favorite Alt-right lifestyle blog. This week in our too-much-disposable-income wanderlust pursuits, I’m taking you to a town our hero, President Donald J. Trump has been getting away to a lot lately.
Oy, the lines at airports these days, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers! The one I’m in right now, on the way to a fabulous new locale that’s sprung up since President Donald Trump took office, ItTakesOneToKnowOneVille near his sometimes-home, Washington, D.C., snakes back and forth and up and down the airport in the nonspecific American city in which SYRW locates is offices. The Transportation Security Administration officers at the various identification checkpoints are doing their best to smile and remain upbeat when you know they want to be anywhere but here.
Related: Home hacks on how to sweep your domicile like an Alt-right-er!
Aaaah–now all the transit is over and I’ve landed in ItTakesOneToKnowOneVille, a young city that’s taken shape organically as President Trump lobs puerile insults at the many people he perceives to be his foes. It’s a classic instantiation of paranoid egomania to see everyone as out to get you. What’s usually the case in such situations–and certainly in that of our dear and sweet Alt-fave, Trump–is that no one cares about the paranoid egomaniac as much as he does. Mostly they wish he’d simply shut up and go away.
Let’s drop out luggage off in our hotel rooms and walk around a little before dinner!
Always a Good First Stop
The Chamber of Commerce is always a good place to stop first when visiting a town you’re new to. Look here: a pamphlet on some of the hottest tourist destinations in the area.
Here we are at Finger Point Gulch. It’s a slippery slope, the angry, accusatory locals say, from labeling someone with an unsavory epithet to revealing yourself to be the very same thing. As my unfortunately-Urdu-speaking doctor says, “Jo kehta he, vo hota he,” or “You are what you charge others with.” “It takes one to know one,” as this town’s stupidy redundant motto goes.
Trump this week called former FBI Director James Comey a “criminal,” despite an internal investigation finding him an “insubordinate” but not a law-breaker, reported  Tucker Higgins over at CNBC.
What’s the big deal, anyway? Who cares about careless inexactitude in language use? They’re just words, merely the very morphological nuggets that frame reality, establish cognitive foundations, and create identities–no biggie! He didn’t mean that he’s actually broken the law, he just said that he has. Jeez, liberals!
Next Stop: Tu Quoque!
Tu Quoque is the Latin name for the logical fallacy in which one wrongly attempts to point out the folly in another’s argument by accusing that person of engaging in the same act he or she is accused of. It’s the use of the other’s alleged “hypocrisy” as a rhetorical strategy. When you point a finger at someone, there are three pointing back at you, as the insipid axiom goes.
This tri-fold, magazine-paper-stock guide I’m holding in my hand, meanwhile, courtesy of The Chamber of Commerce, says that at this stop on our at-arm’s-length tour of this town, during which we right-wingers exoticize the lives and locations of others by leering at them like circus freaks in their own element. we might become so concerned with the direction of our digits that we tumble forward into Self-Indictment Abyss. Whoops–there we go, tumbling head-first into first logical then moral invalidity in this here ravine. We’re like Narcissus himself, the poor chap who drowned in the same pool in which he couldn’t stop gazing at his own reflection.
And: Our own Professor Ebeneezer Scourge reviews one of the men’s movement’s founding texts.
Our conserva-prez, Trump, last week called Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into whether or not His Orangeness’ campaign colluded with Russia to install him in the highest political office in the land, “totally UNCONSTITUTIONAL,” reported Neal Katyal at Time. Now, our favorite Oompah-Loompah’s a self-styled Constitutional scholar, you see! Despite his intimate and nuanced knowledge of our nation’s foundational text, he’s apparently unaware of the Constitutional violations that are the deportation of DACA recipients, allowing businesses to discriminate against LGBT customers, and permitting the proliferation of military-grade firearms under the guise of false Second Amendment protections.
Trump Wuz Here
Boy, it’s dark…damp…down here in this chasm…spooky…What’s etched on this boulder, scrawled in an angular script?
“He who smelt it dealt it,” it says. And, “He can blame it, but he can’t name it,” it says. It’s signed “DJT.” Now this place feels like home, what with our sighting of a semiotic-alphabetic hybrid reminder of our dear, Alt-president.
When President Trump accuses others of this failing or that they have a particular fault, he reveals clearly that which he fears he himself to be. When he calls Rosie O’Donnell “a slob,” when he says Jeb Bush is “low energy,” when he gives Marco Rubio the nickname “Little Marco,” we know for sure that what Trump worries most about is being seen as unattractive, average, and small in so many ways. Luckily for those of us on the right of contemporary politics, he really is all those things. We like it that way! That’s why we elected him president. And now the entire citizenry of the U>S. of A.–one could argue of the world–is suffering because we did so. Oh, well! Right now, at least, supporting Trump no matter what serves our conservative life-goals.
For an exhaustive list of the “people, places, and things,” Trump has insulted on his favorite debased-communication, social media platform, Twitter, since becoming president, see this article by Jasmine C. Lee and Kevin Quealy of The New York Times.
Scratching and Clawing
Now that we’ve crawled our way out of that awful–I mean, uh…quaint and cozy–ravine, let’s dust ourselves off and freshen up back at the hotel.
If I were to say that little excursion we took together had been fun…well, then I’d be lying to you. And I have too much respect for you to lie to you. Actually, to be honest, I have very little respect for you, or myself, for that matter, as evidenced by the direction we’ve collectively taken right-wing politics in 2018. We’ve given it over willingly and happily and continually to one of the worst examples of humanhood since humanhood was a thing. He’s a person who, despite his advanced age, behaves like a bratty toddler. His penchant for name-calling is but one example of this.
I’d be remiss not to mention that every utterance, even a semiotic-alphabetic hybrid like the arboreal vandalism we saw earlier, puts an energy in line with its content out into the world, and in this case, advances the contemporary right-wing project of animosity and hostility. Do with that what thou wilt.
And now the existence of this town, ItTakesOneToKnowOneVille will be a testament to that project until either a nuclear Armageddon, the ravages of global warming, or a cultural civil war in which we tear American society down because we can’t have it all to our non-Jewish-white-guy selves, wipes homo sapiens off the planet. Oh, wait–that last one’s already happening! I hope you enjoyed your trip with me here. Let’s get back to our separate hotel rooms and cry softly into our pillows.
Until next week, SYRW readers: Bon Voyage!
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