Ripped jeans–no! Ripped constitution–yes!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, mokee81.
Ciao Bella, Conservative Cuties!
As I gaze out the window behind a rack of low-quality fabrics sewn together by machines and then passed off as clothing in my office here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) the only Alt-right lifestyle blog out here in the information netherworld known as the Internet, I see the noon sun resting high up in the sky. It’s orange, much like our dear, sweet president that we Alt-right-ers made the fabulous decision to vote into office as revenge for eight years of Obama. And I, Emma Winter, the Beauty columnist here at SYRW, think, “What on Earth did we get ourselves into?” I mean…uh…I think what a wonderfully tangerine-hued choice we made. This is particularly true in light of some news reported by The New York Times yesterday about the Supreme Court’s decision in a case of great importance to the future of voting rights–or lack of voting rights–in the U.S. of A.
“The court ruled that states may kick people off the rolls if they skip a few elections and fail to respond to a notice from election officials,” wrote reporter Adam Liptak.
In celebration of this wonderful life choice by the conservative judges on the Supreme Court, I have some suggestions about how to dress when you’re not getting out the vote.
Related: Our own Prof. Ebeneezer Scourge reviews The Masculine Physique by Billy Freespan!
Dis/Comfort
When most people are ill; have no reason to leave the house because their votes don’t count, hence nothing they do really has an effect on their destinies; or feel sad, because they signed their lives away in the form of a checkmark next to Donald Trump, Jr.’s name on a voting ballot in November of 2016, they don’t pay all that much attention to their appearance. A life of quiet resignation means one thing and one thing only, sartorially speaking: PJs! Yes, that’s right, dearest readers: my first suggestion for a choice outfit choice to celebrate the inefficacy of your non-vote is to use the opportunity for a powerless life do what we all want to do, which is to stay in comfy-soft sweats, skin-caressing night-wear, oversized tees and baggy bottoms, or whatever idiosyncratic slumber stylings you favor–all the time! You’re not goin’ anywhere, literally and figuratively, so what the hell!
Comfort is seductive–not to others, maybe, but to the self. And we who people the conservative movement in contemporary “America” are all about the solipsistically horrendous choices. Frumpy, dumpy–but oh so comfy–nightclothes are the outfits of choice for such people. This is why I say you simply must wear them if you want to proudly, boldly, and foolishly say to the world, “I willingly ushered in authoritarianism in my home country–and I’m proud!”
A One-Way Ticket to Six Feet Under
This is now the land of the oppressed and the home of the intimidated. This wondrous place is just a hop, skip, and a jump into a rectangular, six-feet-deep hole in the ground known as a grave.
“Give me liberty or give me death,” wrote U.S.A. Founding Father Patrick Henry. Apparently, when we’re given the choice, we right-wingers will give ourselves–and our the republic we constantly crow about being patriots of and our fellow citizens–death. While the members of some Korean ethnicities wear white to funerals, and Shi’ite Muslims don clothing that’s as simple as possible, the apparel favored at Western funerals is formal. So, to mourn–or celebrate, since this is what you thought you wanted and our likely still deluding yourself into believing you do want–your political non-agency, you could get all prettied up, gussied up, and ready to be put down in a step below black-tie formal duds. Against my better judgment, given the wrongheadedness of the decisions you, my Alt-brethren make when left to your own devices, I leave the specifics of how to instantiate your death-and-dying-wear up to you. What the hell difference does it really make, frankly? Not a whole lot, my dear, bad-style-having readers. Not a whole damn lot.
And: Get some steak meal ideas for the Alt-political stakeholder in you!
Orange Is the New Everything.
Our leader is the color of the fruit from which comes the favorite beverage of gay brunch-goers everywhere–except without the champagne–the orange! It’s also–can it be coincidentally?–the color of a national gun reform movement, Wear Orange. We over here on the right of the political spectrum, of course, are big fans of shooting things, preferably to death. While we haven’t shot democracy, because how the eff would we do that, we have signed its death warrant. And thus, my final little nugget–bullet point, if you will–of awful advice for you in the area of fabric-based body covering fun is to dress as much like a thing high in Vitamin C–an orange, a carrot, a…cumquat? You’ll not only pay homage to the Oompah Loompah In Chief, you’ll inadvertently support something you don’t want to. Engaging in accidental acts is, clearly, a favorite activity of yours, given that you thought you were doing yourself a solid when you voted for Donald Trump, Jr. to be president, but you were really doing a favor to the installation of a government of inept kakistocrats at the federal level, thereby all but ensuring the swift and irreversible 250-year experiment in democracy known as This Land from California to the New York Island, in the words of pinko commie folk singer Woody Guthrie.
All I Need
So sang Jack Wagner in his 1980s soft-rock classic, “All I Need.” And now, you have all you didn’t need to know about looking your most conservative-comely as while you sit around as your right to vote becomes less and less meaningful under the non-watchful, blue eye of President Donald J. Trump. It would be positively unseemly to approach this new normal, this new reality, this New World Order, looking anything but your least agentive, readers. I simply cannot Alt-allow it as one of the shining examples of humanity that makes up the merry band of idiots known as “right-wing media personalities.” Hence, I hope you’ve gotten some ideas for furthering your lack of political agency
As you go about your right-wing lives this week, remember: Alt-is, as Alt-does, as Alt-looks!
Also: Coping with your fear of African-Americans in positions of power–a common one for the Alt.
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