Even a motion that’s already as rudimentary and crude as the sweeping motion can be further Alt-ified!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Antonio Diaz.
I was just getting my right-wing house in order when you logged in to read this guest column of fantabulousness. I’m as thrilled by this as a gun nut who refuses to get a new hobby after another school shooting, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers! My name is Betty Crockofshizzer, but you can also call me the Unhappy Right-Wing Homemaker. I know it sounds redundant, because, these days, angry misery is that which animates our activities over here on the conservative end of the political spectrum. But as many of us columnists over here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) say, over and over, nothing but nothing can be stated too many times, indeed even too clearly, for people with the lack of brainpower to elect a president who so plainly and fundamentally opposes each and every last one of their interests. My good, good friend for purposes of political expediency and with whom I have a grudging, transactional relationship, Kayleigh MacEnnaKnee, who normally pens this column, asked me if I could pen this column while she gets various body parts nipped and tu–er, advocates for the rights of blue-collar just folks. Yes, that’s right!
My specialty is cleaning, particularly using unexpected items to perform jobs that often pose a problem for those of us who enjoy the sanitized and sterilized American suburban ideal. And here are some housekeeping hacks, if you will, to help you manage a task many Alt-ers, especially women, whose place is in the home, of course: need to do: sweeping. My hacks will teach you how to put a little Alt-right into this tedious chore.. Let’s get to it.
No one but no one–did I mention no one?–is more of an inspiration when it comes to how to make poor life choices (and in the Trump Era, that means good life choices, because nothing makes sense anymore as the Republic dies a slow, agonizing, pathetic death because of the choices of conservatives like you and me). But I’ve also mined the behavior of other winners at right-wing life to deliver my tips on sweeping, dusting, and why-didn’t-my-underpaid-domestic-Consuela-get-this-oh-because-I-had-her-deported-ing.
Related: These 3 tech products will aid you in being silent in the face of continuing Trump horror.
You’re the Boss of Dust and Dirt
President Donald J. Trump “enacted sweeping tarriffs,” as this article by John Perticone over at Bussiness Insider notes, much to the chagrin of some Republican political hard-hitters. In the same vein, my first tip for you is to throw caution based on….well, anything….to the wind as you go about wiping debris chunks, both big and small, from the underfoot area of your home. If someone’s feet are in the way, step on them. As they recoil their pups in pain, they’ll free the floor that was under them to be swept by you. If a tot’s toys or a teens tennis shoes litter the path of dirt-free-ness you’re trying to make, throw their crap out. And if you just like to shake things up because you have an admittedly lower-than-in-your-youth amount of testosterone coursing through your varicose veins, just sweep wherever and however you darn well please. That’s what Trump would do if he were to sweep up a room.
I Never Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me
Musical artists Rockwell sang in the 1980s, “I always feel like somebody’s watching me.” He must have been a liberal, concerned with moral and ethical behavior, as the oft-repeated phrase used to define morality is “how you behave when you think no one’s watching. Hence, it sounds like he did the right thing, thinking it mattered, but it likely didn’t because he was just paranoid. Congressional Republicans.
An article by reporter Jonathan Chait in New York Magazine cites a memo written by Trump’s lawyers that claims Trump has “sweeping assertion of presidential authority” when it comes to his legal right to avoid facing legal repercussions for collusion with Russia to get him elected., with highly questionable success, that Trump.
When you’re dusting various icky surfaces at your home, and you’re pinched for time, another super-helpful hack I have for you is to just llft up the corner of a rug and sweep the offending yuck particles underneath it, much the way Congressional Republicans like Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Ca.) sweep under the rug all bad behavior by Trump for the sake of expedient political self-promotion as they ride Trump’s coattails.
Is It OK To Be a Horrible Person Now?
You can pretty much do anything you want, if you’re a Trump hanger-on (i.e., so far up his colon you can see through his esophagus and out his mouth) as long as you wait for the dust to settle from whatever the latest political mess he’s gotten himself, others, and the whoe world, reallly, into. Similarly, it’s best to wait until skin cells, tiny fibers of fabric, and bug body parts–some of the many wondrous things that make up what we refer to collectively as “dust” gather and drift down on to the foor or other exteriors in your home before sweeping them away. If that sounds so obvious that it need not be stated, please remember that there is no such thing as “obvious” for Alt-righters in the Trump Era. Trump and his team have basically said in various ways the happily and knowingly partnered with Russia to illegally elect him and we continue to deny it’s true.
And: The basics of political in-activism for the right-wing.
I know, I know, dear readers: all this talk of beds has you itching to nap it up. Well, that and how stultifyingly boring and clumsily written the previous 900 or so words were. I say go for it! It’s not like you have anything important to do, like, say find grassroots ways to instantiate political agency in a democratic republic rapidly marching toward a full-on authoritarian state. No, you’d rather listen to the inexplicably named Rush Limbaugh, look at the oppressively groomed Sean Hanitty, and read the insufferably self-satisfied Ann Coulter. They make you feel that angry misery we talked about. I know because they do the same for me. Then you and I sit around stewing about liberal conspiracies, the Deep State, and how things would be perfect if everyone would just get out of Trump’s way. In all this commotion, your domicile can start to look a little “Grey Gardens,” if you know what I mean. With my tips above, you can keep your Alt-ish ideas close even when you’re cleaning up. Until my next column, readers, a detergent-and-surfactantly good day to you!
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