Digital gadgets to clutter your life and silence your outrage./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, maglara.
Hope you’re well on this decidedly digital day, conservative tech lovers!
No, your macular-degenerating-because-of-too-much-screen-time eyes don’t deceive you. A good, conservative comrade in military-grade-arms-for-civilians brought to my attention this lovely article by Chris Hedges at Common Dreams. It’s a panic-inducing read by a Liberal Loonie about how the American end is nigh, and when you’re in the midst of a cultural armageddon happening both piecemeal and yet high-speed, it’s impossible to see it. The best way to dig in our collective Alt-refusal to see the degradation and denigration and decapitation of the republic undertaken by the orange dummy we elected president as a way to hold our fellow citizens hostage is to join Congressional Republicans in being the worst human beings on the planet and just watch this happen, silently, mutely, and non-astutely. Here are five products that’ll pointlessly digitize what you could do analog. You must buy these today to aid you in being hush-hush as a member of the contemporary right-wing of the political spectrum. It’ll also help usher in the Late Capitalist end of times, and that’s always fab!
Related: Political in-activism 101 for the Alt-right.
“Like Pavlov’s Dog…Only Dumber…”
So said Sophia to Dorothy on an episode of The Golden Girls about how her daughter fell for the same parenting trick over and over again, “Just like Pavlov’s dog…only dumber.” Speaking of dumb people who fall for things over and over…us! Just “us.” Just the 40 percent of the U.S. population of us. Instead of seeing repeated, desperate attempts by President Donald Trump and his cronies to stymie Special Counsel Robert Mueller and his investigation as the obvious cover-up-by-the-guilty that they are, we Alt-geniuses see Trump’s indirect confessions of guilt as evidence that he’s being framed. Because you’re among friends here at SYRW, allow me to be frank: we all know we’re wrong when we support Trump and crew’s ridiculous conspiracy theories of a Mueller “witch hunt,” but the truth gnaws at us like the infection eating Steve Bannon’s face. When the gnawing begins, the Lavrov’sDog, a dumbess tracker worn around your wrist, can help.
This digi-tool was named after Sergey Lavrov, Russian Foreign Minister, a figure of neutral concern to Trump supporters, because, as far as Russia goes, we could take it or leave it. Whatevs. (Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink). Every time these pesky Trump’s-guilty-as-sin thoughts plague you, LavrovDog’s senses it, using state-of-the-art technology developed by Cambridge Analytica. It sends a gigantic electric shock through your body, rocking it like a sessin of Electroconvulsive Therapy before they sedated you through it, as Sylvia Plath wrote about in The Bell Jar. If you survive, you might be slightly less likely to entertain thoughts of Trumpian guilt afterward.
No Wonder…None
Melania loves to exchange silence for seeming benefit like us Trump supporters, too. Unlike us, she gets to support him from underneath, too–like underneath his body in bed, in case it wasn’t clear. We can’t forget her! Neither can or did the makers of Knaussssssssh!, the silence-reminder service with her maiden moniker.
Picture it: on another episode of The Golden Girls, Rose dreamed that Dorothy gave a speech in Lenin Square. It was the height of the Cold War. She said, “When it comes right down to it, your lives aren’t all that different from ours–except for your toilet paper. No wonder you people always look so grouchy.”
In that vein, you can go to have an image of Melania’s blank expression with her index finger in front of her lips, admonishing you to be quiet at pre-set times during the day pop up on your laptop or digital device All you need to do is sign up at knausssssssh.com.
Did It Ever Occur To You?
On yet another episode of The Golden Girls, Rose launched into one of the St. Olaf stories her roomies and best friends dreaded. Dorothy snapped, “Oh, Rose, stop! Why is it when any one of us makes an observation, the first thing we hear from you, is, ‘Back in St. Olaf?’ Did it ever occur to you we might be sick and tired of hearing, ‘Back in St. Olaf…back in St. Olaf…back in St. Olaf?”
Well, it doesn’t have to–“it” being the clear-as-day fact that President Donald Trump and his campaign colluded with the Russian government to tamper with the 2016 presidential election in the U.S. of A., a nation we rightists pretend we’re patriots of, that is. Send it a self-addressed, stamped envelope to Re-Branded Mailing Tape today. They’ll rush you your order of what to mailing tape but renamed TrumpgateTies, one each for your eyes, ears, and mouth in your choice of stylish clear, dull brown, or right-wing red. You then adhere it to your peepers, auditory canals, and lips. Never again will you be bothered by the worry that you might be apprised of another in the steady drip-drip-drip of information pointing like a sneering bully at a gay kid on the playground that, whether it was well-done or even pre-meditated at all or not, the Trump campaign joined forces with Russia to install him in the highest political office our nutty nation has!
At this point, you should have multiple tabs open on your laptop, phone, or other digi-device and be logged on to Amazon, Amazon, and oh, yeah, Amazon to proceed to checkout, be appalled at the price of these confounding commodities, yet be unable to resist the seductive ease of clicking on “Place your order.” You should already feel more…well, just more because these items will soon lay at the doorstep of your shoddily-constructed, antiseptic, suburban home in a two days, as that shipping speed is free with a Prime membership. You’ll be filled with that familiar rush of hope for a better life that comes with seeing the unopened package. Then after you tear into and achieve the momentary high of consumerism, aided by the smel of manufacturing chemicals, the feel of smooth plastic, and the glimmer of shiny newness. But then, like all highs, you’ll crash, only to buy more. And repeat! Now, go stare blankly out the window for the next 48–except longer because Amazon’s a mess these days–hours waiting for the Fed Ex person to get stuff to you.
Until next week, readers, remember: the rightist revolution is being digitized.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
