Salty breezes and federal hiring freezes–lots of time to dig into our summer reading list./Image Licensed Adobe stock,
A page-turning-ly good, lazy afternoon to ya’, trashy, mass-market text fans!
I have some blue-ribbon, brilliant, best-selling books to tell you all about this week. These titles are the must-reads for every Alt-er worth his salt-er this summer. Such mind-pollution is the greatest method known to humankind to while away those hours in between non-woke-ing and asleep-at-the-Mueller-probe-wheeling spent on the syringe-littered, burnt non-Jewish-white-skin-filled, towels-and-umbrella-crammed sands of the rapidly eroding beaches within the arbitrary geopolitical boundaries of the good, ol’ U.S. of A! Paging through this paperbacks will make it seem bearable to not be watching Fox News and its idiotic take on the already idiotic, inherently debased and disempowering distraction for things that matter known as national politics. Let’s get down to it, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers.
Related: See what 3 tech items can help you stay mum on continued Trumpian horror.
Platinum Rinse
Yellow Hair, White Soul by Toni Laden tells the story of, Tammy Darren, a young girl who refused to let her lack of skills, native ability, or interesting take on the world stop her from a supporting a nativist takeover of the world by the Alt-right. She learns early on that the way to get attention as a girl, it to show a ton of skin; have innocuous and symmetrical bone structure, don some stripper heels; and most, most,  most importantly, bleach your hair to within an inch of its follicular life. And then bleach it some more. Not that Tammy’s ever had a problem in her non-Jewish-white-with-money life, but if she did, she know exactly how to solve it: say things in a loud, shrill voice; get ahead in the right-wing media world by allowing yourself to be sexually harassed by the sleazeball rapists at Fox News and spit at yourself in the mirror later; and be a generally insufferable, unhelpful figure in the cultural cesspool that is infotainment in the U.S.A of 2018. In there’s no plot–set up,  problem, increasing tension, climax, resolution. It’s just Tammy, spouting-off on topics she knows nothing about in front of a camera over and over again. So engrossing beach reading for sure!
St. Petersburg Love Story
Vladimir Putin’s Russia is notorious for it open persecution of the LGBT community, which we on the right not only like, but are envious of. We still live in a land where there’s at least a cursory nod to rights for that community, unfortunately. But not Ivan and Ilyich, the sickle-and-star-crossed gay lovers in Peter Berg’s, Saint, the next un-relaxing, torturous tome on our list. In the grand tradition of Russian literature, it’s really, really long, painful to read, and dark in subject matter, and yet you’ll be oddly drawn to it, unable to put it down.
Your eyeballs will get sand stuck to them when you find yourself unable to blink when you can’t wait to find out what awful way Ivan and Ilyich get harassed by the police next–a hose turned on them in the street, trumped/Trumped up charges, just hauling them off to the clink for no other reason then whom they love. for example. Your fingers will bloody from the paper cuts you acquire as you page feverishly through this paperback waiting to see how these Slavic-dude lovers are torn apart in the end. And your jaw will enter permanent slackherhood as you wait to find out which–or both?–of them kills himself out of heartbreak and hopelessness. Then you can toss the book in your beach bag and run off to make a refreshing summer salad for the whole fam.
Related: See what 3 tech products can help you stay silent in the face of continued Trumpian horror.
Coal Miner’s Slaughter
Sissy Spacek won an Academy Award for Best Actress in 1980 for her unforgettable portrayal of Loretta Lynn in Coal Miner’s Daughter. In another mine-related tale, this summer’s Data Miner Voyeur. Yes–Alt-right erotica! It’s about an employee at Cambridge Analytica, everyone’s favorite gangsta political opposition research firm. Scooter, who worked for most of his life in a coal mine but was trained in information technology by an Obama-Era program that sought to redirect the occupational pursuits of American workers so they might relevant in a changing economy. In the middle of said training, President Trump takes executive power and does away–one-by-one–with every program that helped educate U.S.A.-ers for new jobs, calling it “Deep State” social engineering and instead makes bombastic, uninformed statements about reinvesting in coal, when everything and everyone who actually knows about evolving economies and workforce needs says not to do that, simply because it’ll make his base of supporters feel good. But Scooter is hooked–on looking at other’s people’s private information online.
Pick up this enchanting read to find out if he can break free from this addiction, or the vise that is capitalist-worker servitude! Here’s a hint: because Trump also wants health care for as few people as possible, particularly addicts seeking treatment, it doesn’t look too hopeful for ol’ Scooter. But if he just died penniless and sick right off the bat, this book, which has to be novel-length to qualify as a beach read would be the length of a newspaper obituary. So, you’ll get to join Scooter during his long, excruciating downward spiral into irrelevance, destitution, illness, and then, of course, death. If you’re a contemporary right-winger, that’s right up your alley in terms of what you like to hear is happening to your fellow citizens and are entertained by.
I don’t know–or, frankly, care at all–about you, my fellow conservative reading fans, but this has been a beautiful stroll down the boardwalk of hot-month browse-through for me. As I sit and watch a mom who should opt out of wearing a two-piece in public spank her kid on this seaside destination, I’m smiling, because these tawdry tomes are so much fine to consume like hot dogs and soda, and by that I mean non-stop and without any thought to what I’m doing. And that, my little Alt-charges is oh-so-right-wing, as we all know.
Now put your shades on, rest one ankle on the opposite knee, and start reading these titles before they get lost in the great, big book dustbin of bestseller history! Meanwhile, I better dash off to some conservative pop-cultural destinations to find some fabulous diversionary things to fill you in on next week.
Also: Obsessing about cosmetics and makeup as a distraction from political agency.
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