“What do we want? Less of a say in our destinies! When do we want it? Now!”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, nito.
How are we doing, my questioning, conservative readers?
Sometimes it surprises even me, Kaylee MacEnnaKnee, the deliverer of bad advice poorly communicated and aimed–yes, like a gun–at members of the right wing of the political spectrum here at your least-favorite conservative lifestyle blog, Spread You Right Wings (SYRW), that I can find my way out of the mountain of seeking letters that find their ways to me every day, without fail, beseeching my advice, counsel, and pell-mell right-wing guidance. Luckily for you, the dinguses who send these epistolary requests to me, via snail mail, email, and trans-window tossing, I’m able, day after day, to seek the light and get to you. If I didn’t, you might actually make good life-choices based on sound reasoning and judgment, and that’s completely unacceptable to this conservative lady.
Today, I present to you the following letter from a reader who had my favorite kind of entreaty for information: the succinct and easy-to-answer kind!
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Duh and Also D’oh!
Dear Kaylee,
I’m your average blond-and-blue boy-beauty living in the postbellum South. Can you give me five terrific tips on rage-based, regressive political activism for Alt-crazies?
Kooky in St. Louis
If only all the letters I look at laid the groundwork for a reply with such aplomb, such pithiness, and such non-dipshit-ed-ness. Alas, they don’t. But that’s the topic of another column. Until then, I give you my response to Kooky below.
Dear Kooky,
1 Â Never Forget This
Here’s the deal, always, already: national politics is debased and disempowering, while local politics is inspiring and illuminating. National politics gets you angry, but there’s little you can do about it, at least in the moment. It makes you think and behave in sweeping generalization and extreme action. Meanwhile, local politics, though not as amenable to flash, splash, and trash, gives you agency. Yet, it requires dedication, thought, and consistent work. The basic human instinct is to do what feels good in the moment, which is to be a national politico, in this case.
Obviously–though nothing is too obvious to state in the Trump Era–as an Alt-righter, your good-life-choice should be the former. Step One in national politics-based lunacy is turning on Fox News, at full volume and all the time. There’s nothing like Tomi Lahren’s I’ve-never-had-a-challenge-in-my-life insufferable voice and thought processes, Sean Hannity’s conformist dude privilege, and Jeanine Pirro’s MILF idiocy to get your mind racing, your breath panting, and your aegis lessening.
2 Â Be an Innie, Not an Outie
Just as being confined to the home drove the mid-century housewife to tawdry affairs, popping pills, and self-destructive habits, I hope it will do similarly wondrous things for you, my dear, sweet, SYRW readers. This is why the second piece of advice is this: stay home, hunched over your laptop, squirreling and scurrying about the Dark Web looking for the latest right-wing conspiracy theories to make yourself feel clued-in to some insider knowledge yet, once agaib, unable to act upon it.
If you tried to get an education, on the other hand, which would be the methodical, wise way to go about increasibg your brain cells and thereby your ability to effect change in the world, you’d quickly find it’s cost-prohobitive. The Republi-Man either doesn’t care or actively wants you as ill-informed as possible. But that doesn’t mean you can’t use the Internet to fill your mind with loads, and loads of intellectual detritis, flotsam, and jetsam!
And: An email to the director of a Ditchfield, Alabama women’s clinic.
3 Â Â This Feels So Right–Pun Intended
Comfort, cushion, and cuddly soft thought processes: these are requirements of the contemporary right-wing project, that nebuloous, yet full-steam-ahead murky trainwreck. It takes two to tango, after all, readers, especially when you’re dancing with the devil and sleeping with the enemy. As long as the time to pay the piper is far off, just do what feels good now. This sounds like addict-thinking, I know. And we conservatives are addicted to being the top dogs, the big cheest, and the even bigger Kahuna. That feels good. It doesn’t feel good, however, to make less self-aggrandizing, non-solipsistic choices. So don’t. Never, never, never settle for second best when it comes to what bathes your nucleus accumbens with dopamine, wiring your brain for dependence on pleasure. Gratification is always better than satisfaction,
4 Â Tangible Is Less Preferable
I would hope that it didn’t fail to escape your awareness that, so far, this column-o-mine has been almost totally lacking in hard-and-fast advice, save for my admonition that you Fox-News-it-up. Despite the endless capacity of humans for hope, that emotion rarely vouchsafes any particular thing will happen, as your abduction of the aforementioned fact. My lack of brass-tacks-guidance is intentional. I and my right-wing ilk enjoy keeping you powerless, because that’s more power for us. Sharing power is not on the list of things we like, Miachiavelli-style, so the more textual garbage, auditory nonsense, and visual vapidity you order from the right-wing media menu, the more you’ll find it never advises you of what you can do, just makes you feel like you must do it. Keep it up!
5 Â Beat Your Head Against a Wall
Yes, you read that right dearest readers, I said to beat your head against a wall. And keep beating it and beating it and beating it. They say that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. What they didn’t tell you is that we rightists like our followers one-hundred percent bat-shit crazy, certifiable, and unhinged to the point of lunacy. If you’ve just read to the end of this sentence, that was approximately ten seconds during which you could have been engaging in the wall-to-head contact we were talking about. So, stop reading and get to it!
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Notes on Notes
I hope you were taking notes, dear SYRW readers. If you think I’m going to tell you all this again, you’ve got another thing conserva-coming to you. Get a grip and take a trip–a long one off a short pier! I have so very many better things to do with my time. And by that I mean I rely completely and wholly on doling out stupid suggestions for you to worsen your life yet better…well, better nothing. It’s just horrible help. For you, that is. For the Alt cause, it’s totally awesome, because it supports the status quo in contemporary conserva-culture in 2018 U.S. of A., and that’s what I want. What happens to you is of little concern to me, if I may be frank. And even if I may not, I just was.
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