Whoa–who know they could look so much like non-Jewish whites…just darker?!/Image Licensed Adobe stock, Hogan Imagine.
Salutary and Salubrious Salutations, traditionalist health-seekers!
Today, I, Deepika Choprawalla, one of those Americans of Indian Origin with a self-defeating allegiance to Trumpism based on my comfort with unfair and repressive hierarchies, like Seema Verma, Ajit Pai, Nikki Haley, and Raj Shah–have some sad news for us Al-righters. Yes, another African-American has risen to power, which conservative Republicans take as a slap in the face of white nationalism and that of those who support it, like them, us…me!
“Georgia Democrats selected the first black woman to be a major party nominee for governor in the United States on Tuesday, choosing Stacey Abrams, a liberal former State House leader, who will test just how much the state’s traditionally conservative politics are shifting,” wrote reporters Jonathan Martin and Alexander Burns in The New York Times Tuesday. I know what you’re thinking, my Alt-readership here at the premier-because-it’s-the-only-one Alt-right lifestyle blog, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). You’re scared: scared whiteness is out of vogue, scared Abrams isn’t a Trump-style member of a gallery of political rogues, and scared feel like you need some inter-right-ist collogue. I’m here to help you, my dear SYRW readers and Alt-charges. I have some suggestions on how to cope with Fear of Black People (FBP). Most of these apply to “those people” when they’re not in positions of power, but you can make these horrible-human practices work in any situation, really! You just need to put your Alt lack of mind to it!
Related: Get the 411 on the top 3 right-wing rom-coms you have to download today!
Peripatetic, Poet, and Chic
So goes a line from the classic piece of (mostly gay) Americana, “One,” the showstopping number at the end of A Chorus Line, describing the “singular sensation” sung about in that show tune. The first super-rude and ultra-crude thing you can do to process your fear of blacks is simply to cross the street, be trans route peripatetic, if you will. When you see a black person coming, get out of the way–they want to get you! It’s up to you to defend your Alt-self. If you have the misfortune of being caught in one of the public spaces this ethnic minority hasn’t been institutionalized-racism-segregated out of, well you just make for the other side of the road you two are traveling on, be it the road of life or an asphalt-and-concrete road in town somewhere.
Low Social Capital Status Bags
As members of the Alt-right, we love to flash our tacky style in the form of “status bags,” overpriced handbags with brand logos on them, as you know. If you’re in public and “a black” comes up to you, make sure to clutch tight and close to your body your high-priced, low-quality piece of mass-market trash masquerading as something more. You can’t be too aware of your precious money, credit cards, and assorted stupid tchotchkes when these folks are afoot. Nevermind the fact that you’re Republican and that party openly embraces economically disempowering policies, that’s what causes people to have to commit crime to survive, you know that perfectly well. What motivates you’re satchel-grabbing not an actual perceptual alignment with the facts. You’re just a racist. But make sure you let the world–one African-American person invading your jealousy-guarded Alt-space at a time–that you won’t be separated from your precious, useless stuff, and certainly not by a black person!
And: A Gift-of-Gab gossip potpourri.
Looks Can Kill
Of course, sometimes you don’t need to run in a perpendicular line from a dark-skinned person approaching, nor do you even need to bother with wear-it-storage-method-adjustments. A withering look can say it all. Dragging your oppressive, repressive gaze up and down a person’s body is super-effective in communicating your low opinion of them. They don’t say “undressing me with his eyes, “eye someone up,” and “the eyes are the windows to the soul” for nothing. If you’ve ever looked in someone’s eyes–and generally, if you’re a human, it tends to be the case that you have–you don’t need to be told that eye-game is powerful. It can also be disempowering of others, so where better to apply that in the personal instantiation of racism that is Alt-you. In North Indian culture there’s a concept called bala uttarna. It’s a gesticulatory way to take the evil eye of someone. We’ve thought for many years here at SYRW that if we all put our whiteheads together, we could find a way to place the evil eye on someone. That’s called “dreaming big,” Alt-ies. The ocular orbs near the top of your visage are where racism begins, uncompassionate conservatives. But they don’t have to be where it ends!
Speaking of. which, a great way to say Black Lives Don’t Matter is to shoot someone a dirty look, especially when you don’t have your firearm on you to gun-shoot them. Bodies can wear bulletproof vestments, and people’s physicality may heal from abuse, but the spiritual, emotional, and psychological damage you might do to someone is really limitless, and the peepers are a great way to start inflicting that trauma on a person. And eventually an entire community!
Van Holla-en
I’m going to go ahead and wager–just as Maryland Senator Chris Van Hollen noted at a meeting of Indivisible Howard County in Maryland that conservative Republican asshat politicians have a behind-the-scenes bet about who can be the most Trumpian and get elected–that you feel safer and cozier and lenses-that-are-rosier already. I’m not invested at all in the outcome of that bet, because all I really want to do is get paid for this article and be on my way. If you get something out of it–fine. And by that I mean, I’m deeply concerned with your biopsychosocial wellbeing, and that’s why I have this oh-so-Alt-ish-ly fulfilling job of guiding you in being a more well–and for the contemporary right wing that means debased and effaced and butt-faced–inhuman human.
Now, dear readers, armed with the Wellness savvy you’ve acquired by reading this post thanks to this article by me on this Alt-right lifestyle blog called SYRW, go forth and increase your health, even if it means–nay, especially if it means–decreasing that of others.
Also: The nation’s Red Zones, and the 5 I’s of Right-Wing Happiness.
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