“Hmmm…so many good tips on how to be worse at a job I’m already epic-failing it.”/Licensed Adobe stock, .shock.
Hey, my right-wing Chatty Cathys!
It’s me, Bubbles MacMillan, your uber-connected right-wing gossip with some seriously juicy tidbits for you., as always. I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else! Lean in close!
This is one of my favorite kind of tittle-tattle-based tales to tell you, which is the kind that comes to me. Instead of my having to search and suss this story out by finessing and finagling my sources–and by that I mean I merely intimate by desire to know something, and Trump Admin peeps spill the beans like a migrant worker harassed by ICE agents in a legume-picking field–this one came to me.
Seven of my right-wing, Alt-er-than-Alt, conservative Republican Washington, D.C. sources contacted me via a GoToHellMeeting call to tell me all about this latest bat-shit crazy–excuse my French, but it is–story about the utter and complete madness combined with depravity “overlaid,” as Ivanka likes to say to seem smart, with idiocy that is when-they-think-no-one’s-looking at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue under Trump.
My sevenfold sources tell me Team Trump was actually able to get their shit together long enough (or at all!) to organize (instead of stumble upon as they do most things) a seminar on how to be one of the worst–and to remind you, to us Alt-righters, that means best people in the world, a Trump Admin official! Here’s what the speakers at this seminar of please-hit-me-with-a-semi-cuz-contemporary-right-wingers-are-masochists. The seminar was the first in a series for Trump Admins only–unless you can pay to be in it, which we richie right-ers, of course commonly can, what with all the minimally-educated-merchant-class money we have. The series is called Make Me Stupider, President Donald Trump. This installment was called Govern Like You Don’t Mean It–“It” Being “a Desire for To Effect Positive Change In Inherently Depraved National Politics.”
Related: We review Gangsta Not Gangsta: Adventures in Late-Life Trumpism by Rudolph Giuliani
Bray It, Don’t Say It
The first presentation in this F-for-Effort teachable week-long moment was, “How to Emit the Cry of an Ass, But In Words,” conducted by none other than White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders,
“Sarah reviewed her three-pronged approach to interlocution with the press. First, she said, feign ignorance when you can’t give an honest answer to something because to do so would reveal our boss to be the horrific human he is by saying, simply, “I don’t know. Then she said, give the appearance of honest engagement with questions directed at you about Trump by offering to ‘get back to them on that one.’ And third, you can act like you’re all outraged by a question to deflect it,” one of my oh-so-connected and loose-lipped-because-they-don’t-want-to-know-this-ugly-truth-alone sources told me.
A Predeliction to Prevaricate
Trump himself deigned to appear before his minions for this, the highest-attendance PowerPoint presentation during the Monday through Saturday hot mess.
“My non-Jewish white father figure, Trump, said he has two interests in his perversion-of-the-act-of-governing approach to national political office: chaos and pugilism. He spelled them “Kayoss” and “Pyoogillizm.” We all applauded so loudly when he used that big second word. We knew how hard it was for him, because it’s too advanced a vocab item to have heard on Fox News so he must’ve seen it in writing somehow, like a big boy,” a second of my so-plugged-in-she-needs-a-power-strip D.C. sources told me.
Trump said in his smarmily-delivered, self-congratulatory-in-tone super-short talk, that his cronies in the administration should just try to cause as produce as disorder as they can, and sow as much discontent as they can. He then said he had to spend hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars to go play golf in Bedminster, you know, because he’s just out for the disadvantaged, boo-to-the-hoo, poor little non-Jewish white guy.
And: Join our Follow the North Star™ campaign.
Draining That Swamp, Cramming The Drain With Seaweed…Whatever
Washington, D.C. has a humid climate, yet Trump made it his supposed mission as president to drain the swamp. Betsy DeVos gave a presentation mid-week in this seven-day-nightmare lesson in how to do everything wrong in life.
“This was my personal favorite day of this seminar,” the third in my clown-parade of White House sources told me. “She said that you can’t just drain the swamp. You have to fill it with something unlike this. She pointed to her head.” My source and smiled proudly knowing we’re associated with the Republican party, who put an actual mental defective in charge of the Department of Education in a country we claim to be huge patriots of.
DeVos said to fill the swamp instead of with career politicians who actually know what they’re doing, this source told me, with the excrement of an uncastrated male bovine animal, except she’s too downhome Midwestern dontchaknow to use such words. She just said, “Fill the swamp with B.S. Watch my 60 Minutes interview with Lesley Stahl for a great example of how to do so, oo ya!”
Policy–There’s Just One
Scott Pruitt, a last source told me, gave the final talk at this seminal-for-the-right-but-embarrassing-for-everyone-else seminar.
“He said governing should amount to one thing only: less governing. Do nothing except tear down regulatory protections from the predations by various captains of industries,” said another of my conserva-sources.
Such a Bummer
In that vein, I’ll leave you, my dear Alt-righters, to take in all this we-know-its-wrong news and engage in the frantic cognitive dances that allow you to justify, rationalize, and even to valorize the behavior I’ve told you of. Meanwhile, the rest of the nation and world is looking at you, pointing and laughing, because you’re so very stupid. They’re doing the same to me, but they’ll just never get us. We are–for some inexplicable reason-in this together.
It’s pretty annoying to hear about something after the fact and then wish you’d been there, I know, dear SYRW readers of mine. I would have–and I know many of you would have–paid money to be at this epic miseducation event. As a conservative of toay, I simply love going to didactic functions that I am actually stupider when I leave. And as a proud member of the Alt-right, for me and us to get stupider is quite an accomplishment–not even Liberal Loonies could argue with that. And why should they? We’re seriously like a collection of someone of the least erudite, most ill-informed–yet endlessly self-satisfied–dumb-asses since…well, ever! What a proud, proud people.
I better make some calls on my cell phone, talking loudly in public; send some emails where I say I’d enjoy doing something illegal, a la Don Jon, Jr.’s famous “I love it” email, knowing you rightists will recite a litany of pathetic excuses in my defense; and text some fellow Inside-the-Beltway scandalmongers on a cell phone whose contents may one day become subpoenaed in a special counsel investigation. And, I’m going to make sure my sources know I want to be at the next Make Me Stupider seminar.
Until next week, SYRW readers, remember: you didn’t hear this from me!
Also: How to build your very own sketchy Mikey Cohen-esque business fiefdom.
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