Hurricanes Congressional-whipping trees about./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, behindlens.
Ahoy, right-wing travel aficionados!
Please be advised that if you’re a Trump emissary traveling to Russia to have a meeting whose obvious goal is to curry favor–and hopefully some backdoor stuff–with Russian oligarchs and President Vladimir Putin himself. There is a travel advisory for Moscow and parts East. There’s a Crossfire Hurricane coming.
It’s always good to check the weather before you travel, as we all know. Meteorology has a way of fudging up the best laid travel plans of mice and men, as the poem by Scottish verse author Robert Burns went. No one knows this like Alt-travel agents. And I’m Alt, but I couldn’t get it together enough to get any kind of travel certification. So instead, I decided to heteros-only-marry my love of right-wing politics/hatred of minorities–and I know I’m being redundant there–with my all-aboard travel, voyage, and journey wanderlust stuff and right-write about conservative sojourns for Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), no one’s favorite Alt-right lifestyle blog.
Related: Making sure you’re a suitably insufferable right-wing bride!
The topic I want to address today–and I’m Alt, so if I want to do something, I do it, regardless of the concerns or consensus of my societal brethren (and yes, I’m a woman, but the male generic is a fave of us horrific ladies on the right wing of the political spectrum, as it props up men at our own expenses!)–is how to make sure you’re minding the weather report as you planes-trains-and-automobiles scoot around the globe. This is of particular concern now, as reporters Matt Apuzzo, Adam Goldman, and Nicholas Fandos wrote in The New York Times that the why-are-we-investigating-what-needs-little-confirmation-unless-you’re-a-giant-moron clear-as-day collusion by Trump with Russia to get his orange buttocks into the Oval Office chair Mueller Probe started out as an FBI mission called Crossfire Hurricane.
Taking the Windows Out of Trump’s Sails
RIght off the bat–“Very unfair!”–in the lyrical, not-at-all-petulant-child words of the Poet Laureate of Washington, D.C., President Donald Trump. We Alt-ers love chaos, either perfect or imperfect storms of it, or just total mayhem. “Mayhem” is how I, Anthony Boordayne, the Travel columnist here at SYRW would describe Operation Crossfire Hurricane, or at least what it began to uncover: collusion with Russia by Team Trump that everyone with a brain knew happen 400,000 years ago, but we’ll go to our graves crowing about how Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s probe into it is a “witch hunt.” We’re Alt in the Trump Era, so we’re OK with everyone’s thinking we’re embarrassing fools. We know how to get our revenge now. We bide our time, then unleash our anger by going to the ballot box to elect a lunatic Neo-Nazi in a suit for president.
In the meantime, we just don plastic ponchos, hold umbrellas aloft, and keep our galoshes on to guard against the flooding our minds with the truth we can’t admit that Crossfire Hurricane might cause. That’s my first travel weather advisory tip for you, too: have the right gear to protect against the elements and also things you bring yourself to admit–for whatever reason.
Contingent Continent
Something else we right-wingers love to do is call the United State of America, simply “America.” This ignores that South and Central America are Americas, too, but no one matters to us, or is even really a person unless they’re English-speaking, non-Jewish white people.
So, my second piece of advice to you is to always have a contingency plan in place if you know your travel plans might be postponed or canceled by weather-related inclemency. Unless you want to sleep in a gross airport or bus station floor, the back seat of your car, or, worst of all, a bus or train seat, with rolled up clothes as your pillow, shivering under a napkin for a blanket, look into places to stay should you get stranded in a layover city. Crossfire Hurricane went on for a while and turned into the Mueller Probe, and so might your ix-nayed travel plans because of unexpected weather.
And: 3 places you must see before a nuclear Armageddon wipes Iran off the map.
Transference: Is It Non-Transferable?
Travel bookings may be transferable or non-transferable, much like feelings. In psychoanalytic and psychological theory, Transference, first described by Sigmund Freud, is a phenomenon in psychotherapy in which there is an unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another,” as described by Shirah Vollmer, M.D. on Psychology Today. Well, well, Alt-ers! Isn’t that something! Probably I should point out the obvious to you, as nothing is too obvious for you, my fellow conservative dimwits. We, right-wingers, are transferring our feelings of cultural sidelining–when all that happened was that women and minority groups got a couple of the rights we’ve always had–and we flipped the eff out. So we elected President Trump, because he looks blond and blue-eyed like us. We then transferred our feelings for ourselves onto him, so an admission that he is a traitorous colluder with the hots for Vladimir Putin would be an admission that we’re the same. All our lives we’ve been harping on how we love America, we’re patriots, America’s-the-best-rah-rah-siss-boom-ba, and all that empty nationalist rhetoric, so we can’t he’s bad for the country, because it would be admitting we’re bad for the country. Everyone aside from us knows it and talks about it all the time, but we can’t. We’re just that spectacularly psychologically damaged.
Monsooner or Later The Truth Comes Out
Here’s some fun dialogue from The Golden Girls:
Dorothy: Boy, it is really coming down out there.
Rose: What’s coming down?
Dorothy: The Liberace marquee at Ceaser’s Place. Rain, Rose, rain!
Vroom, vroom! Pkhooooooo! Bvv…bvv, bvv, bvv bvv bvv. The first two prose prosodic and phonetic-fun words there were the sound an auto engine makes, the second a jet engine, and the third collection of onomatopoetic-sort-of-even-though-I-just-made-these-“words”-up is supposed to be the train chugging sound. I could have done better, it’s true, but this is a ridiculous column–although, perhaps the least ridiculous column this week!–column on a ridiculous website, so let’s just all remember that for a moment. And then take a deep breath, hold it, and let it out for your fear of flying in the rain-snow-sleet-wind Crossfire Hurricane.
There’s probablty not much you can do to make traveling in a hurricane safer than just not traveling in it, so maybe just don’t. That would make all that came before in this idiot article kind of useless, but let’s be honest, it wasn’t that useful to begin with. So there’s that….
Until next week, then, dear readers: Bon voyage!
Also: Try these 3 parsnip-based Principle of Parsimony-violating meals!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
