Such good phallic symbols to spend your time thinking about./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, kudryshanna.
Ciao Bella, Conservative Cuties!
Sure it’s overcast and damp in the generic American city in which Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) locates its offices, and that can be a bummer–or should I say a “frizzer?” As the Beauty columnist at SYRW, my, Emma Winter’s, main concern always is the surface, the superficial, and the skin-deep. What a great career choice, writing about this stupid garbage, I know. I don’t need you to tell me that, readers. I know it. And I’m fully aware of what I’m doing. I’m and Alt-barracuda, a right-wing viper, and a conservative shark. The more depraved and sick something is, the more I want to use it as an all’s-fair-in-love-and-war weapon. And what I’m my weekly campaign of encouraging a soul-killing fixation on visage image, corporeal facade, and hair-and-nail-self-made is to make you, ladies–and gay men, too–obsess about silly and meaningless things, so that you don’t pay attention to establishing and maintaining your political agency and participation in public life. This is the undeniable thesis of The Beauty Myth by feminist author Naomi Wolf. In the Trump Era, nothing has to be disguised, indeed prettied up, or masked in any way to make it more palatable. I can tell you I’m doing something in your worst interests, a thing like this scurrying about mentally and physically trying to dress up and makeup to achieve some ridiculous ideal, and I know that you’ll keep on doing it. It’s a waste of time, but you’ll keep doing it. Let’s get down to brassy-hair color tacks, then, shall we!
Related: The Teacher Training Manual from Gina Haspel’s daycare, Haspel’s Rascals.
Reflective Glass, Reflective Glass
Who really is the fairest of them all. It’s I, Emma Winter, obvi. But a lot of right-wing ladies don’t know they are too. The main reason for that is that they aren’t. Not at all. They’re never good-looking enough. I mean, everyone can be beautiful, but it happens as a result of doing the hard work to be a good person, thereby making them proud of themselves. We in the beauty industry have convinced women in particular, through the Late Capitalist fuel called advertising, that they aren’t beautiful.
We’ve made them believe, though, sure, it’s their responsibility to figure out the truth, that they’ll only beautiful if they buy this tincture, that pomade, these salves, those gels. It would be surprising if any one person could counter the incessant manufacturing of consent a la Chomsky and Herman, the billions of dollars Madison Avenue spends to get us chicks to believe there are actually different ingredients in different products for different purposes. Yeah…no. It’s all the same stuff, made to look and smell and feel different, and it does nothing for your skin. Only prescription Retinols do. But whatever they do, regardless, the reason we want women to care, as a culture, is that fixating on their appearance is a never-ending addiction that’ll keep them leaning in front of a mirror all day instead of out on the streets demanding their legislators pass the Equal Rights Amendment, for just one example.
Daddy Issues to Put Strippers’ to Shame
A common cultural trope goes something like, “Strippers have Daddy issues, which is why they dance for older men, getting naked and sitting on their laps, in an attempt to get the approval from these cash-wielding customers that they never got from their fathers. I would go as far as to say all women who torment themselves with an eternal quest to be young-looking, thin, and beautiful have Daddy issues, Daddy writ large. Issues with the patriarchy and purchasing water in a tub marketed as some savior for skin or hair problems. Just tie your hair up in a ponytail and be done with it, for Maybelline’s ™ sake!
I’m Doing It For Myself
Yes, OK, fine, I grant you that there is some neutral, inherent fun in buying and using cosmetic products and makeup. And yes, it does give one a certain amount of dignity. But let’s not get carried away, Alt-ladies, the reason you spend so much time and money on this stuff is that you want to attract a man or men, or be attractive to a man or men. And the purpose of that is?
And: A right-wing gossip potpourri grab bag.
How about try cultivating a person to speak of, being smart and thoughtful and well-read and witty and up on local current events? I know that sounds scary, because if you start talking one day about detente on the Korean Peninsula, after a lifetime of going to the gym, Barney’s makeup counter, and a cosmetic dermatologist, your husband may think you’re smoking many eight-balls of crack…wait–are you? I sure hope hot, as it’s awful for the skin….er, so I’ve heard.
So just keep on keeping o with the sinking your life savings into lipliners and tweezers, and blush and hair extensions, and implants…boy the list is endless. So there’s then an endless amount of ways for you, my dear Alt-chrarges to reduce your involvement in public. Who knows–maybe you could run for political office.
Voter Resignation
I hope this has been an anxiety-producing, man-seducing (because isn’t that what another thing we all want with an unnatural preoccupation with like-me-like-me looks stuff, to be hot for guys?), nothing-producing trip down empty-shell lane for you. For me, it was fulfilling, because I’m a disgusting person who likes contributing to the maintenance of unattainable beauty ideals, because I know if I can get you to concentrate on trashy right-wing style choices, you’ll never get around to getting off your asses-are-too-big and doing something that might improve your lot and the lot of your sisters and brothers and non-gender-conforming siblings on this spaceship Earth. We have too little time here–none of it guaranteed–to think about this dumb crap, and by that, I, of course, mean: continue to run-cuz-you’re-not-the-“right”-weight on this treadmill of self-defeating, self-involved rumination about am-I-pretty-please-tell-me-you-think-I’m-pretty-and-of-course-sexy.
As you go about your right-wing lives this week, remember: Alt-is, as Alt-does–as Alt-looks!
Also: Join our One Good Thing™, and you’ll be set on such deeds for life.
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