Women have less agency over their bodies, thanks to a new, Alt-fab funding restriction put in place by the Trump Admin last week./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, tumsasedgars.
Greetings, Alt-reading lovers!
It is I, Professor Ebeneezer Scourge, the Readings columnist here at Spread Your Rights Wings (SYRW). Lately, perhaps with the dawning of the spring-season day, perhaps, I’ve been getting so very many out-of-the-box ideas on textual goodies to discuss with you–and by that I mean talk at you about. This loosey-goosey thinking has me feeling positively Liberal, and obviously, that’s not a feeling I’m happy of, proud of, nor wholly comfortable with, especially in the ideologically extreme political milieu that is contemporary conservative politics in the Trump Era. Right after I run to the bathroom here in the sweaty, stagnant-air offices that SYRW calls home, slam a stall door shut, and then weep with my forehead pressed against my arm, which in turn will be propped against one of the stall’s walls, I’ll take a deep breath and remind myself that I’m OK, you’re OK, and this New Political Normal is so not OK. I will, of course, subsequent to said not to self, fail to change my behavior in any meaningful way.
One of my new hobbies is intruding on the digital communications of right-wing people and organizations, either by simply leaning over to look at a computer screen or asking an IT friend to hack into someone’s email. Now that the administration of President Donald J. Trump intends to make funding for reproductive health clinics contigent on not providing abortions or making referrals for said procedures, as this report by Julie Hirschfeld and Maggie Haberman at The New York Times describes. “Clinics that provide abortions or refer patients to places that do would lose federal funding under a new Trump administration rule that takes direct aim at Planned Parenthood, according to three administration officials,” they wrote.
Related: Putting your money where your Alt-morality-void is.
I thought it would be a good time to get that IT friend I mentioned to help me look, uninvited, at the email correspondence of a one Kate Dorffman, Executive Director of a Planned Parenthood clinic in Ditchfield, Alabama. Behold, an example of Trumpian use of money to further cruel political ends.
The Grim Reaper Says, “Hey,” Before He Kills You
Dear Director Dorffman,
My name is Alex M. Azar, II. I’m the Secretary of Health and Human Services appointed by President Donald J. Trump. Already, then, I’m sure you can guess that what I have to tell you is going to is going to be great for your girl patients. Also, despite the fact that you’re the director of a Planned Parenthood clinic, I didn’t assume you’re a doctor, because you’re a girl, too. “Girl” and “doctor” can’t be one and the same. It’s in the Bible, I’m told. In fact, one of the Evangelicals attached to Trump’s colon like a polyp told me this, and as a member of the Alt-right of the contemporary political spectrum, anything a member of the conservative political scene tells me, well, I believe that thing. I need no proof, rhetorical persuasion, or anything at all to hop on board that train.
It’s come to my short-span attention that the facility you direct provides women with abortions. There are so many things wrong with this, I just don’t even know where to begin. Oh, wait–I do. Where everything in Late Capitalism begins: money.
So I’m going to fill you in on a wonderful little fact, which is that I’m going to make it so you never abort in this–your–town again. But only if you want funding from the organization that I secretary for, Health and Human Services. You’re free to abort poor little babies away, or out, rather, of their human vessels, women, with private funds. I’m sure many, many people living at or below poverty-level will choose to donate to your infant-murdering clinic over putting food on the table.
Trump-Forced Necessity Is the Mother-Who-Didn’t-Abort of Invention
Other ways you might raise money include: fundraising, high-yield robbery, and cyber-diversion of cash into your organization’s checking account. For a donation-getting event, how about a black tie ball called Women’s Reproductive Health Kills Babies? I think a lot of people would RSVP “Hell, yes.”
I bet you there’s a Wells Fargo, a Bank of America, or an M&T oh-so-close by your clinic of evil. You could tie a bandana over your face to cover your visage and throw on some aviator sunglasses, looking like a cross between a Latino gang member and the Unabomber, neither of whom you’re better than in that you kill for fun, like them.
Also, hack into the checking account of a person or LLC you know to be wealthy, bent over your laptop’s keyboard like a digital-loving hunchback. With a few clicks of a trackpad, your death-clinic could go from in-the-red to in-the-black in moments. Normally, making money takes so long, which I’ve just heard from my staff, but have no actual experience with, as I make tons of it, hand over fist. I am a member of Trump’s Cabinet-with-its-doors-falling-off-their-hinges, so I make a lot of cheddar, as the urban slang goes.
And: Products to buy now to discredit the Mueller Probe as Indictments are handed down.
Goodbye, Ruby Abortion-Day
Thank you so much for your time. I hope you find all that your looking for in life, and you’ll have a ton of time to do so. I say this about time, because your clinic will no doubt close now that I’m denying it funding in a furthering of the conservative anti-woman ideological agenda.
Amateur, digital espionage can be such fun! As is valorizing fetuses over adult women, my lovely Alt-charges.
Some folks, whether they be Alt-Right or Liberal Loonies–what’s happening today to me that’s causing me to talk about experiences of people other than us Right Wing Nut Jobs (RWNJs)?!?!–find every email that scurries through wires, networks, and hard drives to their inbox to be a face-scrunchingly, permanent-shoulder-shruggingly, jaw-clenchingly stress inducing reality. I’m one of those people, dear SYRW readers, I’ll be candid with you, a rarity for rightist politicians these days. Then again, saying anything at all that isn’t obsequious Trump-support apparently is asking far, far, far-right too much of anyone in the Republican party, that which is the primary home of conserva-folks.
Also: The 3 Undocumenteds-Are-Animals acts you have to see now!
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