Put your hands down, women, and shut up, too!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Rawpixel.com
How are we doing, my questioning, conservative readers?
It is I, Kaylee MacEnnaKnee, the Advice guide over here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), possibly the most pointless weekly column on an overall pointless website. You Alt-ies, my readers, love some unsolicited advice, it’s clear, otherwise I wouldn’t have this wondrous job. In a recent survey, members of the right wing of the political spectrum cited bad advice from unqualified people as the thing they want the most in life, second only to political leaders who run their home country into the ground through idiocy, venality, and operational ineptitude. That’s where I come in, every week, without fail, like a Herpetic canker sore.
This week I present to you an excerpt from a letter I received recently.
Related: 5 ways to get in your Alt-cardio today!
Dear Kaylee,
I’m an right-wing lady, and I hear the liberals have a program called Emerge to train women to run for office as Democrats. I’m unaware of a Republican counterpart to this program, so first, is there one? And second, what are some things I can do to get more involved in Alt-politics?
Advocate-Wanna-Be in Anacostia
Now, I’m just going to go ahead and assume this woman means “less involved” when she says “more involved,” because it makes no sense to me that a right-wing chick would mean she wants to be more involved in politics. Why do poorly what men can do better, ladies?
Funding Fun
Dear Advocate,
Everything in this Late Capitalist hell society we live in requires, money, readers, in case you were wondering why you perform back-breaking work for less than a living wage if you’re among the 99 percent or were born into oceans of wealth (but act like you work hard for the money, so we better treat you right, in the approximate words of Donna Summer’s 1980s classic) if you’re among the one percent. And so will it be for any endeavor embarked on by you to lessen your political agency. So, hold a fundraiser. Schmooze, rub elbows, hobnob, and also rub your fingers against your thumb in a semiotic indication of the cash you needs guests to donate if they’re big Alt-right dummies, which they will be, as thas no other kind of Alt-righter. Now, give all the money you raised to the hubs to put in a checking account you don’t have access to, because father knows best.
The Age of Signage
Speaking of semiotic representations that include text, there is a sign we’ve seen outside many-a-Liberal-Loonie home that says the following: “In this home, we believe: Love is love/Black lives matter/Climate change is real/No human being is illegal/All genders are whole, holy, and good/Women have agency over their bodies.” Well, I never!
I want you, Advocate to get a sign that says the following: “In this home, we believe: The Bible says only men and women should marry, so there/It’s OK when black people are shot, because they’re black, and we love guns/The Earth is warming at completely alarming rates because…er..?/Strictly enforced borders are good because we need a scapegoat to demonize/There are two genders, and if you don’t fit neatly into the description of either one or the either, we can’t help you/Fetuses have a ton of rights, women have none.” Now, the liberal sign probably cost less per unit to print due to its less dense wordage, but you have money–you’re Alt and just had that fundraiser! So ask the hubs to cut you a check and order some today. Then drive them into stakes into that lawn you protect like it’s a southern border!
Take It Inside, Ladies
The more you restrict yourself to the interior of your man’s castle that you hire an undocumented to clean while you fuss over a lap dog, the less likely are you to connect with others, which is the basis for so much political organizing. That’s why they call it “organizing,” because it involves the arrangement of and within groups.
So, my last piece of wrongheaded advice to you, Advocate, is to put have a locksmith install locks on the exteriors of your home. Have your husband turn them with that distinctly latch-ish, resolute click and shut you in your own home. If you drink enough booze, believe me, you won’t even want to leave. You’ll just fall asleep with a lit cigarette in your hand or something. Then you’re whole home will go up in flames, like this country under Trump. But as long as you didn’t get more involved in local politics, I’m not sure why you’d care about that. I certainly don’t!
As you wake up in the hospital, bleary-eyed and disoriented from smoke inhalation, you’ll smile as you see your husband and kids scrolling through their phones at your bedside. Because, sure, you narrowly escaped death. But you were Alt until your almost-last second. And that’s the definition of a life well-lived. Just ask your husband and son, ignoring any daughters you may have been cursed with being a mom to.
And: The astonishing truth about how things (don’t work) at the Trump White House.
Seven Days Are Seven Opportunities to Sink Lower
In between now and my next column on this day, at this time next week—ask questions, but promise me you will fail to grow and evolve—indeed, change in any way—when you get the Alt-answers. If I could get that commitment in writing, it would be great, readers. Of course, that’s not so feasible a goal, given that I have billions upon billions of fans in you. I’ll simply take your Alt-word for it. If you’re anything like our orange leader, you won’t follow through on your promise, choosing instead to offer more poorly-worded, empty promises. That’s fine with me! I’ll just keep buying stuff and driving around in endless, slowly maddening circles. which are the two things suburbanites like moi do most often. That’s why we do them–so we don’t have to look at that which is too scary and requires work and sacrifice to change. By “that which,” I, of course, mean our own moral character plus the political and social realities of the contemporary U.S. of A.
Also: Pay tribute with fun design ideas to Team Trump’s bumbling attempts at diplomacy.
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