Sometimes silencing others is the only choice we have to avoid admitting we’re wrong./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, zbg2.
May the Almighty Dollar be with you, Red-state readers—so that you can buy stuff! Hoarding it’s good too, but shallow consumerism is what makes this rapidly-warming, Late Capitalist world go ’round, so we gotta buy, buy, buy if we wanna die, die, die. And, in case you were wondering dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers, we do. We on the right wing of the political spectrum absolutely do wanna die, because death is preferable to learning to share cultural capital and resources with previously-marginalized groups who are starting to get tiny crumbs–not even whole pieces–of the pie.
Everyone who’s Alt-anyone knows the Mueller Probe is, to us conservatives, one-hundred percent illegitimate and a politically motivated witch hunt. The sane, smart people of the world know it’s a valiant attempt on the part of Special Counsel Robert Mueller to find out what, if anything, happened between President Donald Trump, Russia, and now, we find, other powers too leading up to the 2016 presidential election and shortly after, according to an article by reporters Mark Mazzetti, Ronen Bergman, and David D. Kirkpatrick of the New York Times. We found some completely awesome products for you, our dear, sweet readers to help you use non-logical means to stymie, derail, and make suspect the findings of the Mueller Probe as they hit closer and closer to Trump-home.
Related: Tips on being a suitably insufferable right-wing bride.
Sigh-ren
It may be possible that the human invention that makes thought the least possible is the first responders’ siren. That’s why you need to go out and get a Childish Cherry. It’s like the siren, or “cherry” as it’s known in the argot of first responders, It’s a big, ol’ light bulb-shaped…well, light bulb. Anytime you’re faced with the incontrovertible truth of the Mueller Probe, that some shady sh-t went on between the Trump campaign and various foreign powers to help Don Don get elected–you pull this out of wherever you choose to keep it. We recommend you keep it inserted up your rectum–you know, where your head is! Anyway, whip this baby out and turn it on. It’ll begin flashing blue and red and emitting a deafening alarm. End of Mueller-Probe-validity discussion. Sometimes, life really can be that simple–especially when you’re an Alt-simpleton!
It’s Not That Funny
Laughter is not only the best medicine, it’s the best distraction. That’s why a Trump Tickler is the idiotic purchase we’re giving you the deets on next. It’s a long arm–but not like the long arm of the law, luckily–that’s prosthetic and robotic in nature. A belt ties it around your waste. As soon as a Liberal Loony interlocutor of yours begins yammering on about how document-and-testimony based evidence proves Trump, his family, and his campaign colluded with various foreign actors to sway the results of the 2016 presidential election in his favor, you push a button on the side of the belt.
Then, the long arm I mentioned but you may have forgotten about because you have at a maximum four functioning brain cells, given that you’re a conservative, protracts forward. Feathers on its end begin tickling your anti-Trump-talker. And then the end of such talk is a done deal, much like the downfall of our nation with Agent Orange at its helm. See, being an Always Trumper can be fun, in addition to amounting to being a liar and an asshat.
If You Can’t Beat ‘Em–Try Harder
I’m guessing that a bleeding-heart liberal has probably tried to convince you that violence is always wrong, and that part of the reason it’s wrong is that it intimidates people and makes them less likely to speak up and out in the face of injustice or illegality. But when it works in our favor, like most anything when it works in our favor, we Alt-right-ers love it. Also, as so many different columnists here at SYRW say–me included–there’s no such thing as right or wrong to Republicans in 2018. There’s just “politically expedient” and “not politically expedient.” Something that’s both very basic and politically expedient is a baseball bat with nails sticking out of it. Usually, this lovely tool will act as a Muller’s-Doing-the-Right-Thing-Investigating-Trump prophylatic, but if a candy-ass liberal does have the gall to voice an opinion different than yours–even though this whole topic has nothing to do with “opinions,” and only concerns inescapable fact–you simply lift the Basic-Instinct-Ball Bat as if you were going to hit a baseball. Your Democratic tongue-wagger railing against Trump and advocating for Mueller will shut up faster than a woman before #MeToo.
The Struggle is Fake
President Donald TrumpTrump needs us, fellow right-wingers. He needs us like good hair plugs, better self-tanning choices than spray tanning, and Weight Watchers for the rest of his life. Without us, who or what will help him skirt the law, shirk responsibility, and sidestep justice–as he’s done all his life–when its time to pay the valid, necessary justice-based piper? His army of apologists in the Republican party; his millions of dollars in personal assets; and his fawning, codependent family members–sure. But there’s a good chance those won’t be enough to escape the reach and the clutches of the long arm of the law. Lady Justice might be wearing a blindfold, but the rest of the nation can see just fine, and it’ll guide her into skewering Trump’s orange ass, sending it off to Federal prison for High Crimes and Misdemeanors.
It’s too frightening to think about what might happen to Trump’s supporters: us on the Alt-right of the political spectrum. We might actually have to do the hard work of figuring out what it is that’s fair for us to demand of society, then work in concert with the rest of it to achieve that and a better country as a whole. A not-self-involved, self-congratulatory, self-stroking approach to life is unthinkable, and so we prefer buying these ridiculous items above to allow us to continue living our moral, ethical, spiritual, and psychological inertia enabled by the Germanic Father Figure we elected to be our leader.
Until next week readers, remember: you don’t want a receipt for these purchases.
Also: 5 ways to get in your Alt-cardio today!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
