“I’ll divide this up into clothes for the rich who don’t need them and clothes for the rich who don’t need them.”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, mangostock.
Fiduciary Felicitations, right-wing finance fans!
I, Snoozie Storeman, the Money columnist here at your favorite pointlessly right-wing lifestyle blog, want you to grab the hand of a fellow Alt-a-hole, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers. I have something to share with you that won’t be easy to here. But together, we can get through this. Right now–right this very conserva-second, there are non-profit organizations seeking to advance the conservative agenda of lots of guns everywhere, very few rights of human dignity anywhere, and pollution just everywhere that need your money right now. Without it, children might not be gunned down in schools and on city streets, LGBT freaks might be able to be safe in their own skin, and the Earth may start reversing the severe damage we’ve done to it since the Industrial Revolution. Read on to find out about three such heroic organizations and then give, give, give of that which amounts to everything you Alt-are: money.
Related: The astonishing truth about how things (don’t) work on Team Trump.
We the Jury In the Above Entitled Action
Since the advent of DNA sequencing technologies, thousands of “criminals” once thought guilty have been proven innocent. This is an extravagant claim, yes, but being an Alt-media personality, I know I need offer zero proof, not a single source, nor even any logical proof beyond a simple statement for you to be nod along with me, much as we’re nodding off as Trump sells our democracy to the highest bidder in the lowest common denominator of contemporary Republican politics.
The first in our parade of dog-and-pony show Alt-right non-profits who don’t need your money, but are happy drain you of your life savings anyway, because they’re financial vampires is the Innocence Coincidence Project. In 1992, The Innocence Project. founded, “…in 1992 by Peter Neufeld and Barry Scheck at Cardozo School of Law, exonerates the wrongly convicted through DNA testing and reforms the criminal justice system to prevent future injustice,” according to that organization’s website.
Well, la-di-da, Liberals. La-di-frickin’-da. Guess what we Alt-ers got? The Innocence Coincidence Project. In 2018,
“The Innocence Coincidence Project, “…founded in 2018 by Michael Cohen and Rudolph Giuliani at Obnoxious New Yorkers School of Illegality, frames rightly acquitted African-Amerian through DNA sample tainting and perverts the criminal justice system to prevent future justice,” according to that organization’s website.
It seeks to reopen closed cases in which African-American men were found not-guilty of crimes, and then it uses DNA evidence to lay seeds of Alt-doubt that they truly were not-guilty, or innocent. This organization then seeks to convict the rightfully acquited through contamination of once-valid DNA evidence, framing the African-American men in question for crimes didn’t;t commit. The less of them on the streets among the always, already blameless, faultless non-Jewish white people, the better. Any criminal trial of an African-American that resulted in a not-guilty verdict, this group dredges up and seeks to paint as a matter of evidentiary coincidence. Innocence as coincidence!
And: 3 Undocumenteds-Are-Animals acts you must see NOW!
Cocoons Are Meant for Busting Out Of
Emerge America, meanwhile, ” …is the nation’s premier organization that recruits, trains and provides a powerful network to Democratic women who want to run for office.”
Oh, yeah, Liberal Loonies? Well, Submerge America is the nation’s least-prestigious loosely-organized group of ineffectual fools that demobilizes, disinforms, and provides a weak and desultory disconnect of individuals working alone to disempower Republican women, whom the party wants to drown–Submerge–in discouragement and demoralization.
Submerge America hopes to stifle any hope Republican women might have of taking leadership roles in that party, thereby ensuring it’ll remain the party of rights for fetuses but not adult women, particularly when it comes to agency over their own bodies in vis a vis their own destinies. Submerge hopes to suffocate women’s souls, should they dream of a world that finally passes the Equal Rights Amendment. And it hopes to squelch any notion women might harbor that running for Republican elected office is a valid choice for them to advance their own rights through policy-making.
When opinions Diverge it dilutes the conservative ideological project, which is essentially a conviction that middle-aged-and-above non-Jewish white men have tons of rights, and even they only have those rights as long as they don’t step on the other middle-aged non-Jewish white men’s property. So we make no sense, basically. And also, all we care about our guns.
We, the members of the Republican party–though in private we gnash our teeth and wrings our hands and clutch our pearls and smack our foreheads about how disorganized we are is, I hear from my friends in leadership positions in the collective of winners known colloquially as the GOP–decide who we’re going to valorize, place in power, and look to for captaincy. Then we crack the whip to make sure everyone gets behind that Alt-person, and you better follow in silent lockstep or be ostracized, demonized, and thrown-to-the-wolves-ized. Seems to be working out great for us, what with the whole Trump presidency debacle that is running this party into the ground and probably into a just-in-time grave as I type these words. Despite that wreck of an example of why this leadership strategy is archaic, immoral, and debased as all get out, we continue to insist that all viewpoints Converge into one idiotic but, apparently, powerful one. In this case that is the immoral, unethical, and all-around repellent idea known as Trumpism.
This makes us so happy that we then go out and Splurge in shopping sprees and generally poor spending choices, which in turn keeps the nightmare merry-go-round of Late Capitalism–spending, debt, loans, work for low wages…repeat. We have such good lives. Keep saying it over and over, and eventually, it becomes the false “truth” you live while your soul, heart, and brain first atrophy, then die, then fall off like the worst scab we ever had.
Fifty States, Fifty Bullets In Your Head
After the fiftieth school shooting on American soil since Columbine, the NRA and other gun rights groups had not nearly had enough. They thought, “We gotta get more of these to happen!” Leaders in the gun rights movement put their empty heads together and began Columbine Threat as a welcome antidote to Sandy Hook Promise, the latter an organization of parents whose kindergarten-age children were murdered in a mass shooting in that town in 2012.
Columbine Threat seeks to put firearms in the hands of unhinged, disaffected teens, so that we can be assured that more children will be felled in their own schools, all because bloated-ego, paranoid-for-no-reason Republicans have a hysterical, incorrect belief that as soon as gun ownership is regulated, the government is coming to get them. And we conservatives like it that way. If we can keep the economically-disadvantaged obsessing about the assuredness of their gun ownership, they won’t look at the things that we do that truly disempowers them, i.e., refusing to pay the working class a living wage, denying the nation universal health care, and suppressing voter rights in every possible way imaginable.
Hence, Columbine Threat hands out guns in school parking lots, at bus stops, and public libraries around the nation, hoping against hope that the right, so-wrong kid will get one, and…well, you get the idea. Big dreams make for big results: more dead children. The younger the better. Columbine Threat encourages mentally ill teens to spend time–guns in hands–loitering around hospital nurseries, too.
They bend over backward to make sure fetuses aren’t shot, though, because pretending they care about a clump of cells with gills makes it seem like conservatives are doing anything but trying to control and suppress women with their obsessive campaign to restrict abortion rights and access to reproductive health care for women.
Rustle Up That Onlne Banking Password
If you’re a really, really good right-winger, what you’ll do is make your gift to any or all of the above organizations recurring–and not on a monthly basis, but on a minute-by-minute basis. We can’t keep unfairly expecting the Koch Brothers, Rebekah Mercer, and Rupert Murdoch to selflessly give of the billions and billions of dollars, almost all of them sitting in the bank accruing interest, to keep our movement chugging on toward complete moral bankruptcy going all by their lonesomes. They have private jets, Bentleys, and illegal exotic pets to buy on the black market. And you, my right-wing readers, have an poor-people-oblige obligation to help those as or more fortunate than you. So get out your credit card to enter its info into the donation forms of the above organizations’ websites. I better be off to…uh, do the exact same thing. Yup, you betcha! I’m going to donate until I wear through the trackpad on my laptop
Until next week, remember: cha-CHING!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
