Look at me, Trumpdammit!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, iQoncept.
Hey, my right-wing Chatty Cathys!
It’s me, Bubbles MacMillan, your uber-connected right-wing gossip with some seriously juicy tidbits for you., as always. I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else, so lean in close!
Now as my breath tickles the folds of your ear, and you wince because ew but also want to draw me closer because you can’t hear my Alt-gossip fast enough, know in your dead-Alt-heart of dead-Alt-hearts one thing, if you know nothing else, which you don’t: this is what I want–for you to need me and my useless, puerile garbage-knowledge. And I need you, too, which despite your poor right-wing EIQ, I think you know, because emotional desperation is easy to pick up on. It’s particularly easy for the political barracudas, vipers, and piranhas on the right. That’s us!
Related: How to build a sketchy Mike-Cohen business “empire,” if it can be called that.
Yesterday on a fantabulous CNN round-table, Senior Political Analyst Gloria Borger and Chief White House Correspondent Jonathan Karl had some horrifying observations about the Trump White House to set forth, and these two have been in the biz of White House Correspondent-ing for an admirable amount of time. So, even though the new Republican normal is to pretend our petulant distrust of authority is some sort of grassroots populism, between Alt-pals, let’s be honest–experience matters. Karl noted that just based on what we can know as watchers of this tragically comic White House, it’s clear there are lots o’ conflicting, competing, and ultimately self-defeating warring factions trying to grind on top of President Donald Trump like a Russian hooker. And because he’s such a whore for attention, he can’t say no to anyone–the whore part is my observation, not Borger-Karl’s. And I like my guys whorey.
Now, back to Borger. She noted that another thing rather depressingly clear about this trainwreck-dumpster-fire of a White House is that the constant leaks are ways for warring parties of influences to say to Trump, “Look at me! For Daddy-issues’ sake, look at me!” Each leak is a way for the leaker to get some oblique attention from the president. Daddy can’t be disturbed when he’s watching his Fox News and choking his probably-engorged heart on high-calorie fast food–but also loves the built-in ego-stroking and something-else-stroking of poor, born of that 1980s, “Ignore Them and They’ll Beg for It” style of parenting, he makes a fuss about wanting it to stop. But really, much like I need you, my dear readers, he doggone-it-hair-muss-arm-chuck-get-outta-here-and-go-play loves it.
Upon seeing Karl and Borger on CNN yesterday, I dialed the digits of some of my most connected right-wing-Washington-D.C. sources to see what other methods of attention-getting the Trump Admin uses to snatch at Trump’s attention. Read on only if you’ve eaten more than thirty minutes ago, because this is so pathetic you’ll feel nothing but disgust. What am I saying?!! That’s how normal people would react in normal times. You’re Alt-right in the Trump Era–you’ll love this!
There May Be Some Use In Crying Over It
Many of us, particularly the vanilla-and-white-bread among us, are taught from a young age that there’s no use crying over spilled milk. But there may be, we learn between the ages of two and four, approximately, there may be something to gain from spilling milk and making other people cry over it. It gets us attention–and so it does for the ridiculous humans in the Trump Admin, from White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly down to Trump’s Big-Mac-Fetcher.
“A lot of my informants inside Team Trump say that if they’re around Trump–inside his office is too hard to access with the military-level order General Kelly’s imposed as the bouncer at Club Oval Office–a good way to get his attention, given how prissy and hissy-fit-y he is about a mess, is to knock over a drink, ” one of my oh-so-connected D.C. Republican sources told me in a phone interview. He was using one of those voice-scrambling things that made him sound like the killer from Scream.
And I’m Never Coming Back
Another, more adolescent in approach method of getting Orange Dad’s attention, another source of mine tells me, is for Trump’s inner circle employees to wait until a moment when Trump will need them, then simply to make for the hills.
“That’s right–they just start running, and they keep doing so until they’re sure it’ll take a while to find them. The longer it takes to retrieve them, the more important they’ve felt they’ve made themselves seem in the President’s eyes,” a second source told me, speaking on the condition of anonymity.
If they’ve thought about it ahead of time, these desperate Trump loyalists will even leave a self-pitying note, complete with a “tear” stain or two on it. For this, they use tap water drizzled in careful faux-tear-splatter formation.
For One Thing, And for Another Thing
On particularly Alt days, when the chaos is a Category 5, when their colleagues are scurrying about doing damage control, when the Boss Man just…won’t…stop…tweeting. Trump employees-in-anguish will do the unthinkable. Well, it was unthinkable pre-November 2016, and it would be unthinkable for most respectable adults who aren’t bat-shit crazy. But it’s post-November-2016 and these people are inexperienced, boundary-less, and slightly to fully moronic.
“If nothing else works, Trumpers who need a word with Trump, or a signature from him, or a quote from him…what have you…well, Bubbles…they’ll go into a corner of whatever room they’re in and relieve themselves. They pee and poo on the floor to get his attention,” a third electrifyingly-plugged in source of mine told me over drinks at A Taste of India-Na on 73rd and T NW in D.C. He looked to the side as he uttered these last words, his skin reddening with shame until he saw my look of wild-eyed approval. This is what we Alt-ers wanted. We wanted Trump to drain the swamp…and, uh…make it into an unflushed toilet. Yes, that’s right. That’s what we wanted, all right. And now we have it!
Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It–And You Will Because I, an Alt-Media Personality Order You To
As always, dearest you-can-barely-readers, I have one loftiest ideal, highest hope, and lowest-common-denominator when it comes to me, my articles, your consuming them, and what might result. I hope that you’ll use what I tell you–about what amounts to the macabre of a Tim Burton movie combined with the venality of organized crime crossed with the tragedy of an 1970s-ish mental institution with a little is-this-thing-on amateurishness thrown in that we call the Federal Government in the Trump Era–to live a life as mismanaged, disorganized, and downright euthanasia-worthy as that of our dear, sweet Trump and his merry-band-of-idiots coterie.
Until next week, SYRW readers, remember: you didn’t hear this from me!
Also: The nation’s Red Zones and the 5 I’s of right-wing happiness.
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