Running away from the obvious conclusions of the Mueller probe is just one way to get in top Alt-cardio shape!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, lzf.
Salutary and Salubrious Salutations, traditionalist health-seekers!
As the weather warms up, a lot of wonderful things begin to happen, including the following: all you hear from sunrise to sunset is the sound of lawnmowers chugging up and down and back and forth and left and right, you consider sawing your own head off for just one second of relief from allergy-induced sinus pressure, and you try to take in a deep breath of “fresh” air and end up swallowing a bug. These are just some of the reasons the global-warming-hot weather is everyone on the right’s favorite time to take their cardio game outside. I, Deepika Choprawalla, have some tips on fun-and-fucked-up ways to take your panting, gasping, am-I-dying cardiovascular health efforts out-of-doors, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers.
My Three Favorite Tips
If you’re trying to lose weight, and are also busy advancing a horrific Alt-agenda, as I can only ass-u-me assume you are, I’ll bet you’ve made some well-intentioned pledges to burn more calories than you take in alongside ill-intentioned attempts at oppressing marginalized groups whom you perceive as clamoring for “special rights” when all they want are basic rights of human dignity.
As far as the cardio-workout-based portion of these laudable life-goals, remember the following tips. You should be sweating while you workout as a tangible metric of whether you’re going “hard” enough, writes Jennifer Cohen of Health. If you can comfortably carry on a conversation, you need to take exertion up a notch, also from Cohen. You should perform your cardio routine, if you will, for 20 to 30 minutes a minimum of three times a week, according to Life Hacker, but there is some debate on this.
Now for the Fun Stuff
Thank goodness I’ve gotten those boring, nuts-and-bolts and brass tacks considerations out of our Red-State way! Now, I can apprise you of ways to embody these guidelines in movement-based Alt-moxie.
The Demonizer
A favorite of all of ours here at SYRW is the image that captures demonizing out-and-marginalized groups, The Angry Mob. So, get a group of fellow non-Jewish, white heteros together and grab your pitchforks and torches. Get your peeps riled up by encouraging them to pump their arms, as they hold their intimidating implements, up and down.
The Stampede
Now, the whole lot of you, arms still moving up and down, should jog up a hill to the home of the nearest Muslim immigrant.
The Intimidator
Once at said home, a few lucky members of your out-for-blood mob should dispatch to different entrances to the house and bang on the doors like the Paleolithic cretins you are. Bang-bang-banging burns a lot of calories and adds variety to your cardio routine, which health writers like Cohen say is key in giving your hearts and lungs myriad challenges to healthfully tax them. Not financially tax–calm down!
You Can’t Make Me
Let’s go back to basics, as we always like to here at SYRW, as our most basic and desperate instincts are what animates us over here on the right wing of the political spectrum. A simple half-hour jog at the proper (see above) clip can be a great way to get heart-healthy. Go outside in cool, loose-fitting clothing. Now imagine you’re the one surrounded. Women and minority groups are clawing and grabbing at your feet from their position under you. But your mommy and daddy didn’t say you had to listen to those bad boys and girls! So, start running! Make sure your heart-rate is at 75 percent of its maximum.
“To roughly determine your maximum heart rate, subtract your age from 220,” writes Cohen in the above-linked Health article. A fitness tracker is a convenient way to keep tabs on how fast your Alt-heart–which I’m guessing you weren’t even sure you had, given the rightist policies you support–is beating at its fitness-ideal rate.
It Takes to Two
When you’re really strapped for time–given all the voting child molesters into the Senate and tuning into Fox News for the latest in anti-Obama-pro-Trump lies you have on your plate as an Alt-er, like me–try this quick, cardio burst.
Do five squats and five dumbbell bench presses, advises Rob Sulaver, C.S.C.S., founder of Bandana Training, via an article by Sally Tamarkin at Buzzfeed. To put some right-wing into that little exercise equation, imagine you’re crushing the hopes of DACA dreamers between your thighs as you squat and pushing away the findings of the Mueller probe despite knowing they’re all true as you press.
And: The top 3 right-wing rom-coms you have to download today!
A Couple More for Good Measure
Housework, they say, is the unsung hero of cardiac-health-achieving activities. Well, I say it, and as conservatives, you need nothing more than a right-wing media personality (me) to say something in order to believe it’s true. So follow your South or Central American domestic worker around as she performs the back-breaking work of cleaning your McMansion, pantomiming her every move.
Or, you could do that leaf-blower motion alongside your, again, South or Central American landscape architect that you pay too little.
Quick, before ICE agents, emboldened by Trump’s animus toward Latinos, deport them!
Shame Is the Best Exercise
In the good ol’ abusive education days of yore, when you got a cramp or felt like you’d keel over and die in gym class, the universal response from gym teachers–the homophobic dudes and closeted ladies–was the following: “Walk it off.” If only we could go back now and show those wonderful humans that we went somewhere while they’re still twirling their whistles on an elastic lanyard around to stop themselves from boredom-induced suicide on the job.
But there’s no Alt-need! We don’t do bitterness, spite, and rage-filled revenge on the right, now do we? Heavens, no! When we’re upset about something, we simply elect an utter lunatic to the highest office in the land who first lays waste to the nation through ideological ineptitude then ushers in the international end of times through xenophobic protectionism. That’ll sure-as-shit show ’em! But all the while we must retain our lung capacity, drive down our weight, and keep up our mood through exercise-based…well, exercises.
Also: Join our One Good Thing™ campaign today and do…well, one good thing. Then stop there.
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