The simplest explanation is always the right one, such as parsnips grow in the ground hence they’re freaking gross./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Urov Petrovic.
Gustatory Greetings, Tasty Traditionalists!
Correct me if I, Julia Kidd, the right-wing culinary creations columnist here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), but there’s nothing like hot-as-Hades, oppressive (ooh–we love that word, don’t we, Alt-pals?), sticky, thick, kill-me-now weather to make you want to never eat again. And that’s why I’m here! Well, I’m here for three reasons: no one else would hire me besides SYRW, the whole eating in the heat thing, and to tell you how to put some Alt into every meal you cook, serve, and poison society with. That’s right–I’m here to offer ways to sprinkle some right-wing onto your daily bread, exert your conservative when stirring a giant pot of cultural trouble, and savoring the lack-of-spice in your non-Jewish-white quotidian nourishment. I hope the clumsy, esoteric linguistic and literary references in the previous few sentences whet your appetite for…well, I’m just going to go ahead and say it: parsnips.
Just because we on the right love of ignoring the Principle of Parsimony, alternately known as Occham’s Law or Occham’s Razor, which says the simplest explanation, or the one that requires the least amount of assumptions, is always the right one, doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy meals that include parsnips, a totes quirky, hipster favorite these days.
Related: How to make sure you’re a suitably insufferable right-wing bride.
Part of Your Parsnip World
Here are some snippets about parsnip to help you understand a little about this veggie that’s all the right-wing rage right now.
“Sweet as candy and versatile, parsnips are so much more than pale carrots,” writes Rochelle Bilow of Bon Appetit. If you say so, Blow!
When shopping for parsnips, avoid ones that are huge or those “with lots of tiny, feathery threads on the end opines chef Brad Leone in the above-linked article by Blow.
Leone also notes that though it’s not common to find parsnips with the greens still attached to the top, as they’re removed once they start to brown, these are the freshest. So grab them up like you know you Alt-did health coverage when Trump threatened to sink Obamacare.
Occ-scuse Me, William of Occham
William of Occham was a 13th-century philosopher who expounded voluminously on the philosophical Principle of Parsimony, which is key in science, but also has merit in any human affair that involves logic and reason, so nothing that’s of interest to the dum-dums on the right, like us.
“The principle that the most acceptable explanation of an occurrence, phenomenon, or event is the simplest, involving the fewest entities, assumptions, or changes,” according to the Oxford Reference.
So all the conspiracy theories favored by the Alt-right–Pizzagate, the Muller Probe’s a witch hunt, and shooting victims are “crisis actors”–in inherently, on their face, without any investigation necessary, wrong as acid rain. As you, my intellectually fragile Alt-charges know, clear-as-day facts do not require we heed them. So, hell’s bells, dear SYRW readers! Keep on believing the cognitive bunkum your abusive boyfriends at Fox News and in the Trump Administration are feeding you. Just try to ignore the entire world laughing at you and progressing into the future while you do so. There, there. Julia Kidd’s going to make it all better–with food!
Simple Is as Simple Cooks
My first meal idea using non-parsimonious parsnips takes simplicity to a level your limited, conservative mind hasn’t imagined. When you get home from shopping for parsnips, remove this dirt-covered, grimy vegetable from the disposable plastic bag you brought it in, drop down onto the floor, and take a big bite out of it. That’s a meal. Just like our ideas about what Team Trump did to get him elected are simplistic to the point of idiocy, so is this meal idea!
Not Just for Rabbits
Another appealing way to incorporate parsnips into a logically un-parsimonious meal is the not-chop-and-peel method, Because nothing but nothing makes sense in the Trump Era, you’ll love this one. As distasteful and icky as the skin of a parsnip may look to you, try not peeling it, muses Chef Leone via Blow’s article on Health. This will ensure you get loads of energy and nutrients for pushing back against the modicum of progress women and marginalized groups had made before we began sicking our Alt on them.
Up and Down
As for another recipe parsnip recipe idea, Chef Leone via the article by Blow says, “the sky’s the limit!” Or, to think of it in a more right-wing way, there’s no bottom to the abyss of recipes you can think up, as there’s no bottom to the pit shameful acts, cruel bullying, and dumb-ass governance our dear President Trump engages in, day after day. But he once played an ancillary role in bringing three hostages home from North Korea, so all is forgiven. Of course, we conservatives weren’t upset in the first place, but if we were, all would, indeed, be forgiven by one good act, the concept that founded SYRW’s One Good Thing™ campaign.
Fry, fricasee, and simmer your way to root-vegetable deliciousness–though it won’t be as delicious as the sight of blood spilled on asphalt in Baltimore, where gun violence took over 300 lives in 2017, and already 100 in 2018. Blanch, boil, and sautee some parsnips for tuber-based stomach-stroking, sort of like the mammoth egos we need to be stroked by Father Trump when he tells us he’s going to Make America Great Again by making non-Jewish white men the center of everything again. And broil, bake, and roast some carrots-but-less-colorful like the roasting that Trump can’t tolerate thereby highlighting he has the lowest character ever.
Pray the Bray Away
I assume–because, even though the ass is the symbol of the Other Party, and asses bray–that by now you’re driving to the nearest truck-the-produce-in-from-miles-and-miles-away-to-kill-Earth grocery store and wincing at the site of what looks like an anemic, IV-needing carrot and wondering what the hell I was thinking advising you to eat this wretched root. I promise you, my little Alt-charges, that once you bite into one of these below-Earth stalactite-and-stalagmite-looking things and the pressure on your teeth from the delectable consistency, the burst of flavor and fragrance as its yum-chemicals spill forth in your mouth, and pungent fluid threatens to drip down your chin–only failing to do so because you caught it–you’ll be singing a different tune, my lovely readers.
Also: Give your life an Alt-spring spruce up!
Until next week bon appetit, cheers, and salut.
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