Sites such as The Pink Mosque in Iran may soon be flattened like Melania’s affect./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Alexander.
Ahoy, right-wing travel aficionados! Avast ye, maties! And also: arrrrrrrr!
Unless you live under a right-wing rock, you’ve probably heard a little piece of news that, nevertheless, I, Antoine Boordayne, the Travel columnist here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) am going to either apprise you of for the first time or reiterate for the unsually-clued-in-to-accurate-knowledge Alt-righters and dear readers of our website. After all, as we like to say here at SYRW, nothing but nothing is too obvious to point in a verbal exchange between right-wing-ers. Even when it is, of course, in the Trump Era, when facts themselves are suspect, when the party once vehemently opposed to moral relativism now, in a desperate attempt at fighting their inevitable cultural irrelevance, and when experts voice opinions contrary to the rightist project every mental gymnastic move will be attempted in an effort to avoid facing the truth, a simple statement of fact is no guarantee that an Alt-er will capitulate to reality. Nevertheless, I offer you this: President Donald Trump pulled the U.S. of A. out of the Iran nuclear deal, in another internationally destabilizing, ultimately suicidal move that feels good right now, so the numb-nuts on the right, like all of us are like, “Yeah! American first!” Ahead of the nuclear Armageddon to come, I thought I’d go over some of the sights, sounds, smells, tastes–and all the feels, as the Millenials say–of a land called: Iran!
Persionophilia
That’s a term I just came up with. No, it’s not a blood disorder that strikes only those of Persian descent, readers. It’s a love of all things Persian. Not that I have such a love! Oh, god no! I look upon this turban-topped, burqa-clad terrorists with the same combination of fascination, fear, and distrust as you. It’s just that I have to remain aware of world cultures and cuisines, because writing about mayonnaise-based “salads” and Jello would probably bore even the most vanilla among you, dear readers.
Anywho, this is another fact that disturbs the myopic, idiotic worldview of many-an-Alt-er. “Iran” means “Land of the Aryans.” Yes–those Aryans. Even Hitler, possibly the most ill-informed Alt-right-er of them all, knew that the Indo-Aryans were the progenitors not only of blue eyes and blond hair. They were a relatively mysterious people who descended from the Caucasus to conquer three general geographic regions. One branch of them went to northern India, another to Western Europe, and another to present-day Iran. Â The rest, as they say in Farsi, is “tareekh,” or history.
The Persian land mass is the home of, among many other older-than-old cities, Tehran. Here, one can find the ex-royal palace, home of the monarchy before the Revolution took them out. A museum in this capital city also houses the exquisite jewelry belonging to the ex-royal family. This should be of special interest to those on the right wing of American politics, given that we’ve decided to put our support behind a man who clearly wishes to be the head of his own monarchy, what with the control he’s attempting to wrest from the other, formerly co-equal branches of the Federal government.
If This Is What Class Is Like, Whaddyoo Get for Detention?
Peppered throughout both the bustling cities of and the bucolic countryside in Iran are Shi’a madrassas. The vast majority of Iranian Muslims belongs to the Shi’a sect of Islam, and madrassas are Islamic religious schools. Student-pilgrims come from all over the world to be schooled in Shi’a theology here in the only country in the world that is almost exclusively Shi’a. Again, the Alt among you should take note of how this is done and the effects it has, as Vice President Mike Pence would like nothing more than to turn the good ol’ U.S. of A. into a Dominionist nation, where, we can only happily assume as Alt-righters, that all education would be, by compulsion, Evangelical Christian in nature. Good times!
Ain’t No Iranian Mountain High Enough
The Zargos Mountain Range is one of many in the country whose beauty would be cheapened were I to attempt to capture it in words for you, and not just because I’m Alt-right, hence not so much with the words. Suffice it to say, dear readers, when I laid eyes on the resplendent greenery, clear blue waters, and snow-capped peaks therein, for a fleeting–I swear it was fleeting–I thought there might be something bigger than myself, than us all, and the idiotic right-wing ideological project. Then a likely dengue-carrying insect alighted on my nose, and I remembered that this isn’t possible. It cannot be possible. But anywho, you should take a gander at these rock-formations in person sometime!
And: We review, “Gangsta Not Gangsta: Adventures in Late-In-Life Trumpism” by Rudolph Giuliani, Esq.
On Your To-Buy List
As a member of the political right wing, shopping, buying, and all-around purchasing is the succor that keeps alive the debased lives of all who live in an ever-transactional Late Capitalist economy. Hence, I’m sure your credit card trigger-finger is simply itching to know the top three items you should be on the where-can-I-find-an-ATM lookout for while you’re in Ayatollah territory. They are as follows: rugs, various fragrances of the Samarkand family, and opium. You can bring some of the last back for a certain whacked-out Senior White House Adviser.
Burqas Aint’ Just for Muslims
If you’re worth you’re Alt salt, you may have been wondering since you started reading this post–I’m guessing a good four to six hours from now, given that we right-wingers aren’t the brightest bulbs in the shed–why on this rapidly-warming Earth I was advising you on travel to a country that you can’t, as a conservative be caught (perhaps literally) dead in. Even if its people are of Indo-Aryan stock. Well, I have a carefully thought out, crafty plan. Just wear a burqa, the shapeless black head-to-toe cloak of choice for people everywhere who want to go unnoticed. Don one of these heat-trapping bad boys and you’ll not only stay toasty in the cooler Iranian fall-winter season, which is when I recommend you visit, but you won’t have to worry about any pics of you among the Allahu-Akbar set getting out and onto the Internet.
Now, go book your tickets to Tehran on Ittehad Airlines! And bon voyage! You may not have long, as this article by Ben Hubbard of The New York Times details, what with the dissolution of the Iran Nuclear Deal.
Also: Five meal ideas to help you digest the latest Trump-Stormy Daniels revelations.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
