“I said, ‘No gay couples at my right-wing wediiiiiiiiiiing!'”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock: Boykov1991.
Ciao Bella, Conservative Cuties!
I, Emma Winter, the Beauty editor here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) don’t make it a habit of attending too many weddings. After all, you’re never supposed to pull focus from the bride at a wedding, and if I can’t be the center of attention somewhere, I ain’t even try’na waste my time there. And so, when I get a hideous, tacky of over-the-top invitation, I politely and gingerly check off the “regrets” box on the RSVP card, pop that bad boy back into the self-addressed, stamped envelope included with it, and send it off on its way. But a dearth of valid experience from whence to speak of something is no barrier to speaking of it, it would appear, for Alt-ers in the Trump Era, so let’s get down to some hair-pulling, foot-stomping, but-this-is-my-big-day fun!
Related: The top 3 right-wing productivity apps every Alt-er must have NOW!
-
1 The Dress
- Aah, the wedding dress for a right-wing bride. It’s a source of stress, sure, and ulcers, flop-sweat, tears, if you’re a really Alt lady. But ultimately it brings forth that gasp of wondrous realization when you see the gown you chose, altered to your unreasonable expectations and draped over your starved-for-the-last-six-weeks self.
You may have been envisioning yourself in a white dress. Wrong! Unless you’re that rare young lady these days, you’re not a whole lot like a virgin, so who are you kidding with a white dress, my rightist gals? Your right-wing ass is going to be wearing a red dress. Red is for Republican, obviously, and the Republican ideology–guns, rights for only a few, profits over people, etc.–must take precedence over your silly, girl-fantasy desires.
2 The Cake
For any respectable conservative gal, her wedding cake needs, again, to manifest one or more conservative ideological obsessions. Our fixation on firearms might be a good one! Get any tacky, huge sugar-fest you want as far as the cake itself goes. What it says on it is of the utmost importance, however. Something like the following might be good: “I shot for the stars, and the bullet landed in you, my love,” Alongside this poetry could be a confection-based representation of you and your cis-gender hottie groom, a marzipan AR-15.
3 The Vows
Yes, you may begin with, “Dearly Beloved…” But that’s where the similarities to Liberal Loony weddings end, much like the end we hope has come to the right of African-Americans to feel safe in public with law enforcement officials shooting them for holding cell phones. The rest of your vows to your Alt-hubby-to-be should read as follows: “I [your name], take thee [groom’s name, to be my lawfully-because-we’re-hetero-wedded husband; only for richer, because that’s the only option for right-wing-ers; in sickness and in health, because our money will buy us quality health care the poor can’t afford in Trump’s America, and to hell with them, because they can get off their asses and get jobs if they want health care so bad; until death–hopefully at the hands of a gun-toting lunatic, because we live by that modern version of a sword and we’d like to die by it, too–do us part.”
And: Playful ways for Sarah Huckabee Sanders to avoid telling the truth at the daily press briefing.
Now, mind you, none of this needs to be true. If it became necessary, we’d buy Obamacare faster than you could say, “Lock her up,” and we don’t actually want to be shot dead just to be ideologically consistent in our affinity for firearms. We’re right-wing in 2018, and lying comes as easily to us, in imitation of our big, orange leader, as taking a short, shallow breath due to pollution-induced emphysema does.
4 The Venue
The Waldorf for the rich variety of conservatives? A linoleum-floored rec center for the not-so-rich kind? That’s all in the conserva-past! Again, for the fiftieth time in this post, this is the Trump Era. Everything is turned on its brains-free head. A proper Alt-wedding should take place at a shooting range. You and your guests need to be dodging bullets for it to be authentic in any way, let alone the start of an eternal union!
OK, OK. There is one more option if you don’t want bullets whizzing by your head at what will likely, if you’re truly right-wing nutty, the first of three weddings a la Donald Trump, Jr. You can have your wedding in what amounts to church in the Trump Era: a bank. While we pay perfunctory lip service to religious piety, the thing we truly worship is money, hence a bank is the place that actually serves as our soulless temple. So, fill out a form with five differently-colored pieces of paper and one made of carbon beneath it and reserve the nearest M&T, Wells Fargo, or Bank of America today! Think of how grateful your guests will be for the conveniently located ATMs. Of course, their comfort and satisfaction, despite how much they resemble you as members of your self-styled tribe, are, of course, after-thoughts to you. The only person that matters to you on your special day, and on every other, is You. Because you’re Alt.
5 The Guest List
Non-Jewish, white, and heterosexual only. ‘Nuff said, ne-c’est pas?
If You Liked It Then You Shoulda Put a Noose On It
Here comes the bride, indeed, SYRW readers? If you don’t approach this day with an attitude of rigid, choke-hold control it might get away from you, which is the same philosophy we Alt-righters are applying to control of the American cultural ship, if you will. I trust you to be able to not only use these tips to plan a wedding conserva-lovely enough to satisfy even the nuttiest of Right Wing Nut Jobs (RWNJs), but also to slap like the mother of the bride on the big day all of society into submission to our collective right-wing fantasies. A wedding, the chance to be a reactionary instantiation of a Bridezilla, is really the ultimate Alt-event. It’s all about surface (with maybe five minutes of actual substance), traditions no one really knows why we’re still partaking in, and a laser-focus on one or two people to the point of boring everyone else literally to tears. That’s a microcosm of our vision for society overall!
So gpressurere a guy into popping the question with the promise of sex-on-demand, you nutty right-wing lady.
Also: Looking Republi-sexy at a confirmation hearing
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
