Right next to the playground at Haspel’s Rascals Daycare./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, pyzata.
While most people find Mondays odious, onerous, and obnoxious, we here in the Readings department at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) know not-deep down in our wading-pool-shallow souls that you, our dear, sweet–yet oh-so-right-wing-bitter–readers greet Monday morning with a smile so radiant it makes frying in the sun of global warming seem desirable, arms so open they freak out us of the closed minds, and vision so myopic we need a telescope to see the backs of our eyeballs. That is, after all, how we do over here on the right of the political spectrum. Normally, on the day that begins another work-week of deeply unsatisfying, physically torturous, and in-the-moment stultifying work, I, Professor Ebeneezer Scourge, employ my gifts of anti-intellectualism in helping waste your time by understanding less than when you we started about a short excerpt from some variety of text germane to the right-wing experience.
Related: The Nation’s Red Zones and the 5 I’s of Right-Wing Happiness.
Speaking of torture..! Today, it gives me great pleasure–and by that, I mean phone-scrolling, sigh-emitting, hip-jutting boredom–to apprise you of a slightly different kind of reading than I normally would. It’s the Teacher Training Manual that administrator’s at Haspel’s Rascals, the day-care center founded by Acting CIA Director Gina Haspel, use. Haspel, you’ll note, is the lovely figure on the Alt-right of whom the following was revealed this week: While Pompeo is a torture enthusiast like Trump—and many other Republican politicians—Haspel is the real deal. A career CIA agent, she played a leading role in the agency’s program of torture, kidnapping, and forced disappearance during the Bush administration,” reported Lisa Hajjar of The Nation. We can’t think of a better person whose dungeon-based discipline philosophy to found a pre-K daycare center on.
Serial Killer In a Uniform
If someone tortures a fellow human being for nothing but the thrill of evil, we call her psychotic. If she does the same while wearing a name badge around her neck, we call her Acting Director of the CIA, Gina Haspel. Hence, don’t think of the following as advising daycare teachers to shape the behavior of little babies through sadistic, cruel practices. Think of it is Alt-discipline that the kids have coming to them that will strengthen their character, not damage to the point of pathology as you may have heard.
And: Creating exterior-scapes based on Trump’s pulling out of the Iran Nuclear Deal.
“When a child misbehaves–i.e., behaves in a way that that day you find objectionable, as you must never let them know what’s expected of them or when you might rain wrath down upon them, for this is the foundation of torture both physical and psychological–think: what would an SS Officer do? Then do something worse. Waterboarding, blindfolding and hog-tieing, locking in light-free rooms. Nothing is off limits, GIna Haspel didn’t pay attention to the Geneva Convention, so neither should the teachers employed at the daycare named after and inspired by her.
Must Be a Muslim
“Obviously, you only want to torture Muslim kids. The first way to do this, always it to segregate them from the larger student population. If they’re mixed in with the full-fledged humans, then they might go thinking they are full-fledged humans. This might achieve unwanted ends. For example, It might give them a sense that they have inherent human dignity that must never be violated. But it might also give their fellow students the idea that they, your Muslim students, have inherent dignity that must never be violated. And the last thing we need is students questioning our terror-based educational model. It’s just a few steps from objecting to the torture of their fellow students to an all-out coup, after all. That’s the trouble with these Muslims–they’re always agitating for rights, objecting to suppression, and worst of all, voicing their opinions–but only if we create an environment in which certain heinous acts are out of the question. Luckily that’s not the case at Haspel’s Rascals!
The Will to Kill
“Now, you can never let your students know this, but you need the Muslims. They’re part of a delicate disciplinary and psychosocial system you must establish and maintain in your classroom. Inherent in the existence of maltreated out-groups are well-treated in-groups, and who gets dragged off screaming to be tortured when they spill their juice is part of establishing this complex–yet sinfully simple–pecking order. Never, ever let lines get crossed, boundaries blurred, or hierarchies mixed up. You’re running a hate-and-violence based daycare, teachers, not some touchy-feely hippie commune. So crack that whip with the troubling fortitude of your convictions that comes with being a rule-following, neck-breaking, bone-crushing cross between Nurse Ratchett and Heinrich Himmler. And always remind the Muslim kids that if torture doesn’t work, they could be “disappeared”, any sign that they existed wiped from the face of the Earth. That’s called power, teachers, and we’re all about it over here at Haspel’s Rascals, and generally on the right wing of the political spectrum.”
We Out…Of Our Minds
Nothing is ever, ever too obvious to state to and for the numbnuts and numbskulls in the Alt, so I’ll spell something out for you, readers: the above-referenced text is not just, only, and nothing-more-than a teacher training manual, it is a guide for living. Leave the inner-evolution a la Eckhart Tolle, Marianne Williamson, and Iyanla Van Zant to the crystal-rubbing, incense-burning, meat-abstaining New Age hippies! Dungeon-and-shackles-based torture techniques that make you wonder what the f–k happened in the childhoods of the to the diseased minds that came up with them are our thing. Well, as long as the duress being applied is directed at the people we hate. We on the right are so freaking touchy, a word I use despite its positive connotations to describe the distasteful quality that is our childish need for the cultural focus to be squarely on us, that we couldn’t even share a morsel of the cultural pie with women and marginalized groups without throwing a societal temper tantrum so epic, having a non-Jewish-white-people meltdown so profound, and emitting a dying gasp so disturbing it’s going to be with us for three, possibly eight, more years.
By this time next week, I expect you, readers to have read exactly nothing. It’s a dangerous activity unless you have a tyrannical guide like me by your side, because then I can be sure you’ll get out of the act of book-browse only what I wish you too. See you then!
Have a great week!
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