“Aaaaand…I’m done!”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, carballo.
President Donald Trump Thursday provided the aging, orange face to slap on the legwork that his staff performed pretty much by accident resulting in the release of three hostages by North Korea Thursday. And then, for time immemorial, the morons on the right cited this one good thing as evidence that Trump was the greatest president in United States History and should lead the nation forever and ever. Also because he did this one good thing, it follows that he is perfection in human form, and any insinuation, or even clear proof otherwise, is “fake news” advance by the liberal media because they’re still bitter that a Republican won the presidential election in 2016.
Related: Read about SpaceAlt, the right-wing’s wrong answer to Elon Musk’s SpaceX.
One Is The Loneliest Number
I, Dan Coleter, a right-wing nobody with a lot of free time and disposable income at my service, had nothing of actual import to do, so I came up with this gimmick to support our dear Trump: The One Good Thing Campaign™. If we can create a groundswell of grassroots One-Good-ers, we can provide His Orangeness with the support he doesn’t need from us to keep being the dissolute human he is and to sicken and isolate the land and its people to the point that our decline into an internecine cultural civil war is pretty much guaranteed. Once said conflict sinks the entire American prospect into the ground degraded by fracking and warming-induced-flooding, we Alt-right-ers will have gotten what we wanted: to burn the pie if we have to share even a piece of it with women and marginalized groups.
To be a proud One-Good-er–as if you don’t already have a ton of stuff to be proud of: the inability to see when a leader clearly wants nothing but the worst for you; a childish obsession with the complete myth of bootstrapping one’s way to success; the inclination to say, “Yeah, but all lives matter”–here’s one more. Do something good, pick up one–but just one–piece of litter at the park and throw it in the trash. Help an old lady across the street, but only if you never have before and promise never to again. Tell the cashier at Starbucks not to worry about the African-American fellow patiently waiting for his chance to order, that he’s just another customer looking to get a sip and a bite.
I know that was hard for you, dear readers–I know. I felt sick even suggesting it! Biut that’s the thing! We’re done! You’re done. You’re going to trade on this simple, almost no-effort act for the rest of your life. You can murder someone, set fires to a home, run children over in your car if they get in your way. And why? Because you once did one nice thing. That’s all we do on the right, and then people–if they really love us, and why wouldn’t they–no matter what we do, will see or remember the red string tied around our index fingers like a noose and look at each other with knowing smiles. They’ll say, “Oh, right–but he’s a One Good-er.” And you are, dear readers, you are.
Every time someone points out that Trump has violated so many laws, disregarded so much established-for-a-good-reason political protocol, made moral mincemeat of so many governmental ethics, and done so much objectively immoral stuff that it’s almost staggering even for the most Alt of the Alt, of which the staff of SYRW all is. In the past, we on the right have met these harsh realities with our three go-to Trump non-sequitur logical fallacies: he didn’t mean it, he meant it but you misinterpreted it, or Obama/Hillary did worse. None of those make any sense at all, and they reveal us to be as f–king stupid as everyone already knew us to be. Now, we can just be like, “Yeah, well, he once had a tiny part in getting hostages free from North Korea.”
As Goes Trump, So Go We
And: See what we suggested Sarah Huckabee Sanders could do now to keep the question-evading fresh!
Likewise, any time we do something wrong, which happens oh-so-Alt-ishly often, given that we’re right-wingers, we can just cock our heads to one side, our eyes wide with an enraged lunacy, and hold our almost-gangrenous fingers up. We did one good thing. Now we’re done. We expect–we will get–credit for that for the rest of our lives, and it should be–again, will be–taken by all our fellow citizens as a license to do anything and everything horrible, anti-human, and that infringes on other people’s rights that we want to do. Sustained, consistent, dedication to right action is for people with integrity and moral fortitude. That’s not us! We just wanna stockpile cash and guns and…well, that’s really it.
Now that you’ve done your one good, tie a red string around your index finger. You can purchase it from SYRW for $10.99, forgetting the fact that a piece of string is literally worth less than a cent and falling for a stupid gimmick, sort of like how we fell for Trump himself and continue to each day, again and again. Your finger will turn blue, which is, unfortunately, the color of Democratic politics. That’s a kink we haven’t worked out just yet.
Living a One Good Thing™ Lifestyle
Everywhere you go, everyone you meet, greet them with a raised index finger with a red string tied around it, indicating to them and to onlookers that you, like President Dearest, have already done one good thing in life. You’re done. It’s enough already, you want our president to be able to get back to his packed daily schedule of indulging in unhealthy habits, eating low-nutrition but sort-of tasty food, tweeting obsessively about his nursery-school reactions to his daily exchanges with people. And less importantly, because, literally, everyone is less important to us than Don Jon, you can get back to whatever aimless, amoral pursuits you choose to engage in to distract you from facing the big questions in life that you call “my life.”
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
