“Honey, this movie is so bad, I’m a little mad at you for bringing me to it.”/Image, Licensed Adobe stock, serhiibobyk.
Please, dear readers, turn your digital devices off during the following post.
And then get ready to turn your minds off with the saccharine, facile, and utterly forgettable one-dimensional–both in a storytelling and literal sense–garbage I, Owen Glooberman, this website’s movie-related columnist, am going to suggest you watch in this fab little article you’re about to read. Now, romantic comedies, or rom-coms, have a long, rich history in Western storytelling. Sure, romantic love is modern invention both enabled by and enabling of the military-industrial complex that Late Capitalism requires, but that doesn’t mean your serial-monogamy-until-you-give-up-and-settle-down isn’t all about true love, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers. And if you ever doubt that and need your belief in the futility of childish romance–but only because your mind wandered into feeling that way, not because I have a substantive way to convince you of that, I have some great silver-screen-suggestions for you.
Related: Creating exterior-scapes that celebrate Trump’s pulling out of the Iran Nuclear Deal.
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1. He’s Just Not That Into Jews
- I was struck, readers, the first time I experienced the acute discomfort of being in White House Adviser Jason Miller’s angry, self-loathing presence, by the thought that his sexually-repressed rage would be a big box-office draw. He’s the whole screen star package: abrasive, unpalatable, and disturbing! And I know my celluloid stuff, I think we can all agree, in that conformist Republican way we do! Clearly, I wasn’t the only one.
This nightmare of a film, one that makes Gaspar Noe’s Irreversible seem like an episode of Teletubbies, is about nine people–living inside the mind of one, Gaspar Noe. They are a virulent anti-Semite, a rabid Islamophobe, a psychotic xenophobe, and lots more awesome characters you have to see–and regret seeing it–to believe. They battle for control inside Steven Milner, the protagonist, and the movie follows their nine plot lines separately but ties them together in a neat little bow at the end.
2. Pauline Manafort’s Diary
In the Moscow of the mid-1990s, after an iron-fisted autocrat takes control of Russia. But that doesn’t mean playful, fun guys like Pauline Manafort don’t find themselves caught between two handsome suitors, one a Russian oligarch, one the American citizenry. Who will she choose–they’re both so appealing! Get this on EyeTunes or OnDemande and find out for yourself, readers!
Make sure you have the Smirnoff on hand, because just as Russians love some fermented-potato-based inebriation because the frigid temps over in the land of you-can-always-see-your-breath is unbearable without it, so, too, will you want some see-through imbibing-juice nearby as you watch Pauline zig-zag through the apartments and beds of Moscow while deciding who she wants to permanently zig-zag. Serial monogamy–such a winning life strategy! And empty and soulless, too. Much like Pauline’s namesake, Paul Manafort.
Like Paul, who found Trump, an American, to finally settle down with, Pauline finds an American, too. He’s tall, orange, really stupid, and an ass—e, like Trump. Does she settle down with him and leave her life of hangovers and Plan B pills behind? Download this film today to find out!
3. My Big Fat German-Scottish Husband
Oh, those big, ethnic families–they can make you feel like, “Oh, my gosh, Aunt Camini, stop! You’re embarrassing me in front of this hot white-guy with your loud, pungent ways!” Good thing Don Don Trumpp, the main character of this little tale belongs to two of the world’s more zipped-up, buttoned-down ethnic groups, German on his dad’s side and Scottish on his mom’s side. He marries a Slavic woman with an over-the-top style that never graduated from the 1980s, which is good, because the 80s rule–big hair, red lipstick, long nails. Then he cheats on here with an All-American cheerleader-type. Then he marries another Slav, this one quieter and more stoic than the first. All along, he’s screwing other women on the side. The end.
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4. Huckabee Sanders and Me
One day when Sarah Huckabee Sanders is leaving her high-stress, high-lying job as White House Press Secretary under President Donald Trump, she spots a scruffy, hungry mutt wearing a statement necklace and a bright green dress. Seeing herself in him, she takes him home. She names him Hucakbee Sanders. She loves him, and he loves her. He heals all the wounds of working as a full-time Idiot and Horrible Person for Trump. Them one day Huckabee Sanders is diagnosed with cancer. She watches her beloved pup waste away before here. She wishes she could be terminally ill instead of Huckabee Sanders, the sje wouldn’t have to go back to work in the Trump Admin. If you’re dying to find out how this not-at-all-torture-to-watch flick turns out, download ASAP.
5. Locked Up
A pot-smoking mess of a guy has a one-night stand with a careerist pill. She gets pregnant. He tells her he wants to…oh, he is a Trump Admin official, btw. So, he tells her he wants to settle down with her and raise their baby together. Unexpectedly, though, he’s indicted in the Mueller probe for failing to register with the Feds, given his work on behalf of the Russian government. Career-obsessed, bitchy girl is like, “Oh, my god, Pothead Mess Guy! How could you not tell about this?!” This movie is being rewritten in light of recent events, but when the reworked version becomes available, make sure to download these two hours of wholesome, family fun.
The Big Screen
If you’re as Alt-obsequious and easily-cowed conformists I know you to be, dear SYRW readers, I’m sure you’ve already added these dumb-ass titles to your Alt-Netflix queue, readers. If not, you’re dead to me. I just, dear readers, I jest! You’re some of my favorite people on Christian-God’s-green-Earth. And while I, as a right-winger hate a lot of people, I simply can’t hate the eyeballs that are viewing the ads on this page, thereby giving me money. You’re the johns to my hooker, the patron to my restaurant, the customer to my store-in-the-mall. Now, let’s clasp hands and walk away from the camera, hoping our undeniable chemistry and generic physical beauty are enough to carry this god-awful script. And if not, many movie-theater flops find a second life on DVD and Blue-Ray, and yes, even on digital-download platforms. Only Liberal Loonies have brains with enough reticulated folds to need anything more than the insipid celluloid love stories.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
