paFollow the North Star™, and by that we mean Oliver North as the new head of the NRA./Image: Licensed Adobe stock,
Come sit next to me, Alt-design buffs. As you’re all eminently aware, I’m Marla Stewman, the needlessly right-wing interior design consultant here at your favorite–indeed, it seems, the only–Alt-right lifestyle blog. That, of course, is none other than Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), which in most cases I wouldn’t need to point out, but probably do with you, dear readers as you can’t even get right what’s in your own best interests and support a nightmare of a person, President Donald Trump, to lead your party. That’s why you have guides like me, of course, to navigate your way down a super-straightforward and uncomplicated path. If geopositioning technology has taught us all, right, left, or sideways, anything, however, in getting from Point A to Point B can be made hopelessly and perpetually complicated.\
Related: Why we Alt-righters can never be intellectuals.
In celebration of a full seven days of warmth and sunshine in the I-can’t-tell-you-exactly where SYRW locates its offices, I’m taking my home-decor game to a place that pushes the limits–as we love to do here on the right and at SYRW–of what can logically be called an “interior.” I think we can all agree, based on cheap outdoor furniture made to look like indoor furniture, though, that even the majesty of nature can be taken down a notch or ten and made to look like the banal, innocuous family room of a suburban home in 2018! Whoever accomplished that marvel of design obviously dreamed big, and so, too, does President Donald Trump. Big stupid, that is. He announced the U.S.A’s intent to pull out of the Iran nuclear deal today. America’s isolation on the world stage is now a little-more-done deal, thanks to this move by Trump. Here’s how to honor him and his latest travesty of international diplomacy in some Alt-tangible ways. Pulling out ain’t just a form of old-school birth control anymore, readers!
A Serious Lawn Chair Affair
Sure, lawn-furniture made of synthetic materials woven together to allow the movement of air through them during the hot summer months is probably intended simply to enable your warm-weather-fun activities. These can include lounging poolside, barbecuing and tearing into that barbecue with your rapidly-yellowing incisors, and erecting volleyball nets to toss a ball over as your skin reddens.
But if you put all except one piece of your lawn furniture over to one side of your backyard and then one, lonely piece of it on the opposite end, it’ll be making a statement, too. And that statement is, “The cool countries of the world don’t want America to sit at their table at lunch anymore, now that it pulled out of the Iran nuclear deal.” And good riddance to those alleged “cool” kids!
Skeet Shootin’ Gets Better
Yes, you read that right: skeet shootin’ gets better. It is possible. If you make this fantabulous activity favored by low-income right-wingers possible in your front or backyard, each time you yell, “Pull..,” you can add on, “…us out of the Iran nuclear deal. Now, that, dear SYRW readers, is a great way to support Trump in the latest brain-dead move motivated by his deficit of knowledge in all political matters, including international ones.
These Shoes Were Made For Walking
Nancy Sinatra sang in her 1960s classic about boots made for walking, but we’re going to suggest a decor idea based on footwear intended to enable that ambulatory activity. Put a shoe rack in your yard, and line up a bunch of tennis shoes on it. This will say to the world that you aren’t waiting for the other shoe to drop in America’s walking out of the Iran (pronounced by most Americans, “eye-RAN”) nuclear deal. Because it already did when Trump left what he calls the “one-sided” negotiation, as reported by Mark Lander of the New York Times via WRAL.com.
He also called the deal “horribly negotiated.” And who better to judge the negotiating skill behind an international arms deal than someone who knows less than was once thought humanly, Alt-ishly possible about anything, including international relations, by all accounts we’re aware of. Also, who better to make such a proclamation than an allegedly great businessman who couldn’t keep his own business in the black through his much-touted deal-making skill even enough to avoid declaring multiple Chapter 11 bankruptcies.
For three ideas that instantiate his perpetually in-the-red businesses of the past try a red tablecloth on your patio table, a crimson birdhouse hanging from a tree, or a set of ruby-toned wind chimes.
No-Coming-Back Knick-Knacks
The utilitarian bric-a-brac manufactured in a factory that put working families out of business and that I hope/except you’ve littered both your front yard and backyard with, in the advancement of the above suggestions, is, I hope, good-looking, comfortable, and inviting as home decor should be. If we can’t make even accomplish simple, surface “beauty,” as defined by the over-groomed, over-the-top style of right-wing conformists everywhere, then what are we really even doing, dear SYRW readers?
If you’re about to say, “Spending our time focusing on things that actually matter rather than fussing over the arrangement of furniture and tchotchkes in our homes in anxious attempts to distract ourselves from the meaning vacuum that is life on the right wing of the political spectrum, allow me to stop you dead in your tracks, such as international political stability stopped dead in its tracks the moment Trump took the oath of office. Even though most of his closest adviser urged Trump to stay in the Iran deal, he went ahead and decided to leave it anyway, and so did a majority of Americans, as reported by Grace Sparks at CNN. This is called making yourself an international laughingstock and leper, and now your home will be a palace, a fortress, and a mini-empire of it,
I trust you’ll be logging onto this site to read my article next week, dear SYRW readers. So, until then, go out–and by that I mean “in your home”–and design your way to further Republican stupidity.
Also: Find out what DJT’s really been doing on his personal cell phone lately.
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