“See that–up there, that beautifuk, shining orb? Whenever I doubt if the NRA is full of a bunch of total whack jobs I follow the [Oliver] North Star.”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock,
Ciao Bella, Conservative Cuties!
It’s a beautiful day in the non-specific, nondescript American suburb in which Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) has set uo shop–a sea of strip malls, parking lots, and housing developments with funny names, I, Emma Winter, the Beauty columnist here at SYRW spent the morning violently sliding the overpriced, cedar hangers in my closet from side to side complaining about how I have nothing to wear, even though I get tons of free apparel from corporate “fashion” organizations. That’s just one of the many perks of being the right-wing, low-rent, mass-market beauty and style editor of an Alt-right lifestyle blog. I speak, of course, of the one you’re reading, because you’re Alt, and poorly sourced, dubiously argued pieces of “journalistic” claptrap are your favorite mental junk food.
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Today, I want to tell you about another one of our beauty campaigns, the goal of which is to support, through our style choices, a horrible human being on the right wing of the political spectrum. After all, part of how Republicans win elections is that the party, of which we are proud, shameful members here at SYRW, tells everyone what to do, and they do it, especially when it comes to whom to support. We initiated one called A Fez for Nunes which was beyond successful, a claim for which, in the grand tradition of conservative media, I offer zero facts to support. It’s called Follow the North Star™, and its goal is to lend our bodies to the NRA’s naming of Oliver North, an air-for-brains Alt-before-there-was-Alt dude as its new president. Boyfriend was cute back then, but that doesn’t seem to have remained the case, and it’s no surprise, because the soul-ugliness inside us Alt-ers always shows through, particularly when the vim and vigor of youth fade. North has spent his time since the Iran Contra Affair working at Fox News, the hallmark of wonderful personhood, and now this epic life choice to head the NRA. The road to hell really is a never-ending downhill descent into complete moral perversion.
Our Follow the North Star campaign, we hope, will also lend succor to the NRA’s moving, suicidally, from culturally irrelevant to full-on societal pariah.
Cheek to Cheek
Here’s the first way to join our Alt-awesome crusade to give over our physical persons to the support Oliver North, an act that seals the deal in the mortgaging of our entire beings to the conservative ideology, a central figure in the arms-for-cash deal known as the Iran-Contra Affair. Draw, using red lipstick or lipliner, a five-pointed star on your right cheeks, one facial and one posterior. Then when you see a fellow Follow the North Star™ dreamer like yourself, even if they;re wearing a garment that covers their keister, you can still press your right cheek up against his (because only men matter) right butt cheek to let the world know you are 100-percent behind a staffing decision by the N-to-the-R-A that makes all of President Donald J. Trump’ staffing decisions look smarter than Lincoln’s “Team of Rivals” approach a la Doris Kearns Goodwin.
Last Nail In the Coffin
Next up in corporeal methods of Oliver North-support a la our Follow the North Star™ strategy to let the powers that be at the NRA that we support, love, and are here for them like the right-wing sycophants we are for the inexplicable foci for our adulation in the Repub world is jewelry-based. Get a coffin pendant that you can string on a chain and wear around your neck. Fashion a red star out of any material you choose. Fun ideas might be a pipe cleaner, toothpicks glued together, or a Twizzler™. Place this tiny star inside your small, coffin pendant. Bauble-based chatter can be such fun conversation–and productive, too. When someone asks you why you’re wearing such a moribund neck-encircler, open the sarcophagus hanging in the hollow below your throat. Produce the red star inside and tell that person all about how we can’t wait for North to dig the NRA’s grave, a process that had already begun when that Association attacked Parkland school shooting victims.
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Stepping Out and On
One more oh-so-awesome way to provide a thrust in the thankful screwing of the NRA we call the Follow the North Star™ campaign is to wear leggings, tights, or pants made from a fabric with stars printed on them. As you stride through your day, each footfall will symbolize that North as head of the NRA will squelch like sub-shoe matter any hope that group of horror-people had of surviving this historical moment in which its leaders’ paranoid rantings about how the government will come to get its members and everyone else if they don’t have easy, cheap access to the implements of death known as guns.
It’s Tearing Up My Heart
So sang late 1990s boy band NSYNC about a tortured love affair: “It’s tearing up my heart when I’m with you/But when we are apart I feel it too.” Well, when you draw little, read stars on your fingernails, acrylic or otherwise, you’ll be able to shape your hand into a cat claw and growl like a feline whenever the need arises, as it does so often. This will tell the world that, as a part of the movement known as Follow the North Star™, you’re willing to rip up the social contract we all live by, the Constitution, and even the world itself as long as it means North knows he has your support as the head of the worst group of people on Earth, the NRA.
Bye Bye Buy
NSYNC also sang a song called, “Bye, Bye, Bye.” But we prefer to buy, buy, buy,
So, please go out now, dear, sweet, right-wing-bitter SYRW readers and buy the merchandise necessary to join our Follow the North Star™ offensive–you didn’t think we were hoping you’d debase your body by lending it out to disgusting right-wing political campaigns using stuff already in your home, did you? I mean, hel-LO! Where would the environmental degradation, support of the industrio-capitalist machine through buying, and soul-killing consumerism come in if we did? Nowhere, that’s where. And that’s not acceptable. We simply must follow, support, buttress, and buoy the moron-in-a-uniform known as Oliver North in his role as the new Leader of Evil on above-Hades terra-firma, a little orb called, “Earth.” This is how, this week, at least, you’ll toe the line in as the cogs in the Republican political machine that you are. If you fail to do this, of course, you’ll be getting your marching orders in another direction. On the right wing, people are expendable, easily-replaced shells the souls of which are unimportant to party leaders, which is a good thing, because you can’t have one to be one of us these days. Now go out, make yourself a bodily home to physical instantiations of North-support, and Follow the North Star™,
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