Sign on the dotted line, and then Michael Cohen, Esq. will cross over it./Image: Licensed Adobe, pressmaster.
How are we doing, my questioning, conservative readers? In my case, I’m epic-ally, Alt-ish-ly, snidely, lack-of-compassionately right-wing on this Tuesday morning, as I am on most–well, let’s be honest, all–days of this little project of immoral. self-obsessed self-realization that we in the Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) like to call our “life-projects.” And they really are. We’re living our lives, and we’re projecting onto them all sorts of delusional fantasies about how the government is one firearm away from taking over our lives–which, between conservative friends, could use a little external input, given our inept mishandling of them,
Now, let’s get to the red-blooded-American-meat-and-potatoes of my advisory input on how to live an awfully-Alt life, without further ado. I received an epistolary request for guidance as I do many, many, many–and by that I mean, “remarkably few”–times a week. I selected one in particular, because, like the right-wing predator I am, I sensed the need, the desperation, and most importantly the opportunity to dole out like poisoned soup monumentally bad pointers, usually inspired by figures in contemporary right-wing politics. I think you’re really going to like this one–and if you don’t…meh.
Dear Kaylee,
I’m writing to you today to request your guidance on a problem that I just can’t see the super-obvious answer to. As a member of the right wing of today’s political scene, I am proud of my skill at not seeing what’s as plain as day, of course, such as collusion with Russia. My problem in my insular existence in one of those pockets of rich-peeps Republican conservatism in the overall liberal West Coast of the U.S. of A. is that I want the small business that I founded to succeed, but the obstacles to this seem endless. The whole “swimming upstream” thing was one thing when I initially launched this LLC dream of mine. But its been years now, and. just don’t know how or if I can make it work. What do I do?
Scared in Sacramento
Related: Take a trip you 3 classic Alt-comfort zones.
Step 1: Breathe
The first thing you must do is to adopt the physicality of a terrible person, the kind that can take his business from flailing to thriving faster than you can say, “Thank you for calling the no-rule-of-law offices of Michael Cohen., Esq.” Start by loosening your jaw. In fact, let it go completely. When your mouth hangs open in almost every picture of you ever taken,like Cohen’s does, it tells the world that you don’t-know-don’t-care. Manners are for people with a concern for the discomfort they might invoke in others. That can’t be you, my Alt-mouth-breather.
So what if the name Cohen indicates descent from the priestly elite of the ancient Hebrews! That doesn’t mean you can’t dishonor that proud, genetic memory and be a two-bit law-whore. So it all doesn’t work out at all in the karmic space-time eternity–so be it, Scared. It’s fine–better, even–to be a spiritually bankrupt slack-jaw.
And: Meals to help us all process the latest Stormy Daniels revelations.
Step: 2 Don’t Go Chasing Ambulances
Except for the opposite of that: after getting your corporeal ducks in order in the mandibular arena, to realize a life of MCo greatness, you must establish a business that preys on victims at their most vulnerable, and that is when they’ve just suffered a personal injury. Clearly, the sweaty, grime-covered place to do so is the office-instantiation of another business, like the one described below by writers William K. Rashbaum, Danny Hakim, Brian M. Rosenthal, Emily Flitter, and Jesse Drucker in their New York Times expose on the past-life-of-ill-repute of the Mike-ster.
Everyone’s two favorite things–smelly yellow cabs and too-loud TV ads for 800-based legal services.
Step 3: Big-Ego Dreams
In this lovely, blood-and-guts, carnage and butchery contemporary world of glamorized, romanticized, valorized violence, where the line between representations of an already-there reality or fantasies about sex-and-violence dystopias, who can say which sick-in-the-head R-rated flight of fancy inspired Cohen’s life trajectory, we’re not sure. Still, since his Trumpian thrust into the spotlight, various political pundits have compared him to Ray Donovan, the Tarantino-esque fixer of the Showtime series of the same name. The producers of that show approached their tale from a stance that established Donovan as a quixotic good-guy-caught-in-a-bad-world, while from what we know of Cohen’s past and present, it doesn’t seem like he’s all too concerned with goodness or morality. And neither should you be,
Also: See what happened when Trump threw and attended the White House Despondents dinner.
What I have done for you, as I do every week, being the conservative community’s answer to Dear Abby and Ann Landers that I am, is give you a guide to living. In little over one thousand words, I’ve laid out for you inspiration, incentive, and stimulus for living, as the motto of this very website says, your worst best Alt-life. Please don’t think the almost total lack of tangible how-tos below unintentional on my part, even though it is, as I have no idea what I’m talking about, nor do I feel any need to be coherent or intelligible. I’m right-wing, people, as are you. I go the Tomi Lahren, Ann Coulter, and Laura Ingraham route, talking in masturbatory circles to confirm conservative biases and polish my massive, undeservedly-bloated ego. You’re welcome. Although, when I read about you facing the legal music for your morally-debauched life, and wonder to myself, “Did I have something to do with ruining that person’s life with my bad advice–well, that’ll be thanks enough.
Between now and my next column on this day, at this time—ask questions, but promise me you will fail to grow and evolve when you get the Alt-answers.
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