Actually, Giuliani probs couldn’t care less that he exposed his boss as an extortionist and campaign-finance violator, because it’s the Trump Era, and nothing’s off-limits./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, olly.
Gustatory Greetings, Tasty Traditionalists!
Welcome to SYRW’s–just one today? Would you like a table with a screen view? Certainly–certainly we can do that. Right this way….Great! Rudolph will be out in a moment to take your orders. Enjoy!
Oh, what a fabulous and wonderful and oh-so-Alt day over here on the pratfalling, pitfalling, landfilling right wing of the political spectrum. Apparently, we Alt-ers, such as I, Julia Kidd, this confusing, misleading-in-tone website did get all of our shots before the start of the legislative session, and they’ve lasted a darn long time! We’re immune to disgusting, repulsing, abhorring behavior–unless it’s political whoring, of course. Well, then we’re all-that-and-a-bag-of-chips-on-our-shoulders about it, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers, aren’t we? Almost literally, no matter what President Donald Trump or those in his obnoxious, odious, odiferous orbit do, we’re like, “Well, Obama…but he didn’t mean it…he said he wants change…”
…I think we are ready, in fact. I’ll have the Big Orange Disaster With a Side of Twenty-Two-Unqualified-to-Run-If-Not-100-Percent-Actively-Trying-to-Kill the Agencies-They’re-In-Charge-Of-Cabinet Secretaries? Oh, it does come with a salad? Great1 Russian Collusion Dressing, please. Thank you so much..! Uuuummm…wine? I think we’re…we’re…yeah, we’re good. Gotta get up early–workin’ hard or hardly workin’!
Related: Using your home to support Trump and stymie Mueller.
So, right, like I was saying, I think that we can put together a great meal to help right-and-left-ers understand what Rudolph Giuliani, who made a name in 1980s New York prosecuting mafiosos and now happily works for one but without the Jersey-Shore-hotness, meant when he said Trump reimbursed Mikey Cohen for his $130l,000 hush money payment to Stormy Daniels. Right–just that he was buying her silence potentially with campaign funds and because he’s white, tall, blond-haired-and-blue-eyed, and hetero, it’s totally cool–right! Exactly! Ever since he took the what-the-helm of Don Jon’s legal defense team to Alt-close him off to any Mueller Probing, we thought things would get less chaotic and collusive, but no, they got worse, as evidenced by this, written by Sophie Tatum of CNN: “Rudy Giuliani said Wednesday that President Donald Trump paid back his personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, the $130,000 in hush money that was used to pay off Stormy Daniels.”
Appetite for Hot Water
We can start out with a nice gherkin. This brine-infused cucumber slice isn’t just for casual deli sandwiches eaten on a Manhattan sidewalk while the sewer-y breeze tosses your hair about anymore! They’re a fabulous, pretentious addition to any decadent, sinful eleven-course meal dripping with ceremony-and-confirmation-bias-hearing. Anyway, all these silly rules about you-can-eat-this-with-that-and-you-can’t-eat-that-with-this. Yeah…food is food, and last time we excused ourselves from the table and checked, however, emergy-giving calories get down your cake hole into your cake-digestive system, it’s all good, better, best. After all, Giuliani put Trump in quite a pickle, and we’re loving that. Hence, a salty-and-sour gherkin might be the perfect amuse-bouche to start with.
No Bean-o Required
I hate it when I unexpectedly have to eat a legume-heavy meal and don’t have your digestive-hoax-Beano on you, and I know that my tummy-based brethren, my readers feel the same way. That’s why I’m telling you new-now-next to remember your pinto-and-kidney pills now. That way, when we set out on a potentially-flatulence-inducing adventure, we can indulge without gassy-stomach-bulge! We’re not big fans of beans on the right, it’s no secret, however. That’s why we don’t give a hill of beans what Trump does or who confesses to it.
Crack-Heads
As I hinted at earlier, I love breaking gustation-based rules. If you don’t give your guests kitchen-and-chicken PTSD, then what are we really doing, am-I-right readers? I’m Alt-right and I know I’m right, so whatever. Anywho, let’s make this like an oddly banal acid trip and, next, serve…more legumes! For this course, we’ll go to the nutty end of the spectrum. In fact, we can use our cracker-requiring spheroids to be like, “And speaking of–or masticating–nuts, in a nutshell, what happened with Trump, Stormy Daniels, and Giuliani is exactly what you think happened, but without any consequences for anyone, except negative ones for Stormy!”
Vegetable Vehicles
If you’ve ever wondered what a turnip truck is and whether anyone’s actually fallen off one, then you’re a big time-waster, but also charming and sweet, which are two things that often co-occur. I’d like to recommend, dear readers, even though I already know that. regardless of what I ask of you–in the push-and-pull of-codependent relationships, you’ll be A-OK with it–to, pleasem, not upset the apple cart. We’re right-ers, and we line up, stand down, and don’t-look-left-or-right-for-that-matter when a hierarchy is established. We rise to positions of power this way, not the all-things-being-equal egalitarian chaos way of the left.
And: Meditating when you’re also Alt-ing.
Don’t Think Fast
Over here at SYRW, though we’re all of Germanic-and-Teutonic stock, of course, and we look down on the Germanic-adjacent-but-not-pure Celts, we’ve always understood why a potato famine threatened to erase the lovely red-hair-and-freckles peeps off the face of the Emerald Isle. It’s because potatoes are like, legitimately and objectively, the greatest things on–or under, rather–the Earth, and they of the smiling eyes simply couldn’t continue to live when a blight threatened the starch-and-fiber gift that God gave the soul (but not the gut), the potato. In fact, in Celtic mythology, everything was fab until someone defied the goddess Einrash and she cursed the human race by making her love the pound-packing-on potato. OK, we totally made that myth up, but it seems very mythological-traditions-of-homo sapiens-esque: everything was good until one person, representing all people, gave in to a temptation, and the gods punished him/her with a paradoxical, everlasting curse.
Hunger Games Politicians Play
I’m not gonna lie to you, dear readers, writing this post, despite the fact that I sat stationary at a desk while blood clots threatened to form in my spider veins, instilled in me a hankering for some grub. To be honest, I’m ready to pull a Pizza Rat and just tear off a chunk of something-or-other, drag it down to the subway, and manically gnaw on it like a rodent. Honestly, I’m as cute as a buck-toothed, whiskered Rattus Norvegicus, so I can pull it off and get 400 trillion views on YouTube, probably, and I respect you, my Alt-ishly awesome readers too much to patronize you with false humility to do anything but state that plainly and dispassionately, like the right-wing sociopath I am…like we all are. If I could afford to feed all of you, my stomach-churning friends for a lifetime, I’d put that money in steel-and-aluminum stocks, pretend to care about you, behaving openly and obnoxiously like the Wall Street sleaze Trump is, and watch you die of simultaneous kwashiorkor and scurvy.
Also: The 4 right-wing hair cair products you simply all must Alt-try now.
Until next week bon appetit, cheers, and salut.
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