Cushion yourself from every last challenge to feeling good at all times!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Yury Zap.
Ahoy, right-wing travel aficionados!
It feels like forever since I, Anthony Boordayne, climbed Mt. Votersuppression and barely lived to tell the tale, knowing all along I would, but choosing to make a huge, tedious, self-congratulatory drama out of it in the form of my last Travel column here at everyone’s least favorite right-wing lifestyle blog, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). Part of what made it seem so long for me, dear readers, is that I was trekking the globe, wanderlusting, and disrespecting local cultures with my boorish tourist behavior to find the next At-travel destination to apprise you of in pursuit your self-aggrandizing rightist life project. And then I discovered, the answer was right here all along, much like it is for the characters in a banal-but-watchable, corporate-backed Hollywood rom-com.
Related: Using locations in your home to support Trump and NOT support Mueller.
What I found in my obnoxious investigatory jaunts and interactions in these past six days of all-for-you-but-I-wouldn’t-do-it-if-it-weren’t-fun-for-me sojourns in search of where you could go to nurture your inner Allt was that, well, you’re already there. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, except not likable in any way, nor innocent or genuine or capable of loving a motley, beautiful cast of off-beat characters, was that it was here all along. The “it” I speak of is where you, as cultural and political conservatives can go to feel embraced, buoyed, replenished. Don’t worry, though, unlike “liberal travel,” the places I recommend you go won’t increase your worldly wisdom, expand your worldview, or make you see that trite-but-true fact that it is, in fact, a small world after all. Who cares if it’s a world of laughter and a world of tears. We At-righters just want to increase the tears and be done with it, and the goal of this website is to help you do that, and by extension that’s the goal of my column.
Allow me, if you will–and if you won’t, oh, well, because I’m Alt, and I do what I want–to offer some ideas on comfort zones you can make your conserva-way to in order to give yourself a pat on the back, a chip on your shoulder, and a toot for your horn. Let’s not forget a foot in the door, a strap for your boot (a right-wing favorite!), or a leg that’s up!
The Opposite of Knock-Knock
The first place I want you to go is to the front door of whatever architectural structure you’re currently in. Now, open the door. You may see in front of you a sea of cars emanating heat in those wavy lines, or a green patch of grass, or waves crashing on a beach, or mountains jutting out from the Earth, or a whole host of other sights. Whatever it is…it’s yours. You’re non-Jewish, male, white, heterosexual, and middle-to-upper class. The world is your oyster to douse in sauce, break open with your bare hands, dump into your open mouth, wipe the juices from your chin, and move-the-eff-on. And this has always, already been the case. The first millisecond society asked you to share cultural capital with women and minority groups, you flipped out and elected a maniacal father figure to exact revenge on everyone. Because, as we have said here often at SYRW, if you cant have the U.S. of A. all to yourself, no one can, and you’re happy to watch it all fall apart in front of you. That’s how we do on the Alt of the political spectrum.
And: Meditation for the Alt to achieve serenity.
Lens Be Honest
While you have the door open, stand there until nightfall, if it isn’t already. Now, look up. Whatever you see there, imagine beyond, as far as your mind’s eye can picture, on and on. going, going, gone, coming back, back, back, left, right, sideways. Guess what that is? Yours! It’s your second comfort zone. As humans take over space and ruin it like they did the Earth, you’ll gain all the benefits, and when it’s pointed out ecosystems are fragile, and perhaps poisoning them isn’t a good idea, you’ll deny that this is true so your space-industry friends can continue profiting from polluting. And remember, when someone goes through normal channels and asks politely if they can have a seat on the spaceship, you should press that big, red self-destruct button, killing everyone on board, including yourself, as any completely sane, well-adjusted person would do.
Dig In
Now, go to the nearest mortuary. If you see an empty coffin, know that is Comfort Zone three for a little big person called, “You.” Being wrapped in comfort, feeling good at the moment, and indulging every instinct or desire you have is a first-class ticket to a low character and, ultimately, miserable unhappiness, i.e. soul-death. Change is too hard for all of us to grow or evolve willingly, most often, so your and our Alt-life of zero challenges has done nothing for all of us but create a sub-species of humans called Trumps. And no matter what you say, you know you can see plain as collusion with Russia, he’s a legitimately bad person.
Home Bitter Home
And just like that, we’re back home. I’ve written before, as the Alt-Travel columnist here at SYRW, that, really, the ultimate goal of our travel pursuits is just to come home and be like, “Phew–glad we’re not those people. Let’s get some preservative-laden snacks, high-calorie sodas, sit across from each other at a chain restaurant, and alternately scroll through our phones and make desultory, disjointed observations about how we and our lives are better than everyone else’s. That’s how we do in the contemporary, anxiety-ridden, Late Capitalist dystopia called the United States of America. It’s our patriotic duty! Now, we–you, really–because sadly for you, I’ll write columns for you to read but always keep you at arm’s length, like most figures of right-wing politics these days, I don’t actually care about you, but I do stuff that makes it possible for me to gaslight you into thinking I do. And then, in the hallmark of sociopathic (read: current right-wing) behavior at its worst, you’ll soon be participating in my disrespect of you, my making of you into means to my political ends, and my turning you into a hapless pawn in my, admittedly limited in scope project of social-engineering a regressive society. But, hey, our cultural war with liberal social justice warriors will be won one no-rules-of-engagement battle at a time.
Until next week, then: Bon Voyage!
Also: The top 3 produtivigy Alt-apps every right-winger must download NOW!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
