“I’ve always gotten what I wanted–why should this be any different?”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Maridav.
Alt-readers, it’s been another week of “glory days,” ones that include so much “winning” that, I, the Beauty columnist here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), Emma Winter, wondered–worried, even, in that not-really-worried-because-I’m-a-member-of-the-non-Jewish-white-heterosexist-patriarchy way we right-wingers do–that our leader, President Donald Trump and his administration wouldn’t be able to cram into just seven days all the sub-par, even actively immoral, suck-at-life, and accomplishing-nothing behavior out of figures on the right wing of the political spectrum. What a fabulous group of people we are–Rudy Giuliani, who accidentally exposed President Trump; Cambridge Analytica, the data-abusing firm that helped Trump get elected, filed for bankruptcy, and some terrible ilk of ours in Iowa banned most abortions in their state. It could scarcely get anymore pride-inducing than all that. And yet, it did. The Trump Era, is after all, about finding stuff out, being stunned, then the next day looking back on it as nothing compared to today.
Mike Pompeo, the everything–o-phobe who’s now Secretary of State, enabling him to spread hate, animus, bluster, and stupidity all over creation, attended his swearing-in ceremony looking fabulous as we right-wingers tend to do, effortlessly and always. I found it so admirable that a politician who has it in the bag–“it” being whatever the self-collusive right wants for him–still looked polished, precious, and oh-so-pompous-and-Pompeo-ous at his swearing-in ceremony to be Secretary of State. As is usual these days, in debased, delusional, and deranged right-wing political punditry, it inspired me to offer some “thoughts,” if they can be called that, on how future which-Cabinet-seat-will-be-emptied-then-filled-today confirmees might style themselves for future dog-and-pony show hearings in our new Banana Republic
Related: The top 3 right-wing productivity apps every Alt-er must have NOW!
Monkey Suits and Brain-Levels
A monkey suit, is, of course, a colloquialism meaning, “tuxedo.” How we dress can be an indication of how seriously we take something, how much we want it. That’s where the old aphorism to dress not for the job you have, but for the one you want came from, at least in part. Dressing to the nines would indicate to the confirmation panel, and, indeed, the world. that you give more than zero effs about and want to be confirmed. Once President Donald J. Trump appoints you though, and then tells his cronies and sycophants to approve you, it’s happening, let’s be honest. So who the hell cares what you wear? Show up in sweats and dirty tennis shoes, your pajamas, or boxers and no shirt. Throw your feet up on the long, rectangular table in front of you, clean your teeth, and don’t make eye contact with your interrogators, as you sigh, burp, and sniff exaggeratedly through the hearing. You got this in the disposable bag!
Pompeo and Circumstance
In all the ceremony surrounding royalty around the world, despite the rigid and extreme hierarchy, there’s some sort of reciprocity in the sense that the watchers put something in–the adulation–and the watched–give something back–the performance. Y
eah…no! Not you, Alt-right federal appointees. You’re getting approved, you knew before you climbed into that office chair in the Congressional chamber where your confirmation hearing will take place. Trump’s giant, orange ego is far too fragile to nominate someone without a good deal of assurance that they’d be approved. So put that hairbrush down. In fact, put any sort of personal grooming device back down in front of you. You are way too good, and a shoo-in for Secretary of Whatever to waste your time prettying up like some desperate hooker.
I Smell A Rat–Approved!
And: Why right-wingers can never be intellectuals.
Whatever you do, don’t waste your time on a single swipe of deodorant. No, just no! No cologne or perfume either. These are things for people who have dignity and want to dignify a situation. That’s not you, not by a long, body-odiferous shot. You’re far too good for that! If people at the hearing scowl, grimace, or audibly respond to your noxious fumes, well, soon you’re going to be one of the most powerful politicians in the country. You can fire their disrespectful asses in the grandest, most obnoxious, and most humiliating way possible. Not only is revenge good for the soul, but a cruel display like that will be an example to would-be disrespecters who might think of crossing you in the future. Their opinions are as wanted as a check or balance to power in the Trump Era: not at all!
Oh, the previous Secretary of Whatever hired you? I don’t see him or her here right now. Am I just missing something? No? I didn’t think so. Unless you want to join the former Secretary in the unemployment line, you’ll keep your thoughts, including on my scent, to your damn self, Nameless Employee.
My goal, dear readers, as is always our goal here at SYRW, is always to inspire you to live your Worst Alt-Life, often following specific examples by right-wing politicians. Please, do the sartorial, beauty-advice, makeover-and-makeunder right proud by heeding the above apparel and beauty tips in your own life. You need give no effs, and, indeed, you have none left to give, in your tired-of-all-the-rich-people-privilege life, to be bothered with showing respect for people and cultural institutions you interact with; a humble awareness of the weight of every one of our life-decisions as residents of this lonely, spinning orb; and/or any sort of self-awareness at all about what you’re doing. Pssssh! You go this, Alt-righters. In fact, it was always yours, because you took over the world and took it for yourself and took it for granted. When other people got a little bit of it–women and marginalized communities, in particular–you threw a huge, collective temper tantrum, electing Trump as our leader in this most spectacular and long-form act of revenge in recent memory. You still have a ton of power, so next time you’re invited to a black-tie event, wear sweatpants. Then show up at the door and be like, “I”m a conservative, I’m comfortable, and I’m coming in….ooh–I see cheese puffs and marinara sauce!”
Also: Join us as we climb Mt. Voterruppression.
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