“…carry the hate-Hillary-because-we’re-misogynists…minus the-non-Jewish-whites-get-revenge-for-Obama! Eureka! The algorithm for a new Alt-app!”/Image: Licenseed Adobe stock, Tierney.
Hope you’re well on this decidedly digital day, conservative tech lovers! As is the case every week, I, Shark Tuckerberg, the tech columnist here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) have some awesomely Alt-non-analog news to impart unto you, our dear, dumb, dinghus readers. I pride myself on finding out the most up-to-date, ultimately useless latest tech facts and figures and putting my description of them in the most conserva-world context for you. That way you can use them to the best of your right-wing abilities, limited as they are given our collective stupidity and closedmindedness. I know it can be a challenge, when you have Fox News, Alex Jones, and the One America News podcast screaming like banshees in your face 24-hours-a-day, causing you to live in a constant state of what amounts to non-combat-induced Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, to come up with sufficiently, creatively useful ways of enacting in the real, reactionary world the digi-opportunities made available by the daily deluge of brand spanking new apps, software, and programs flooding the market. That’s what I’m here to help with, and today I’m doing it by telling you about three new apps just for us conservatives that I urge you to try like Trump urged Comey to obstruct justice by getting rid of the Mueller probe!
Related: The truth behind the Ronny Jackson debacle.
Shotgunist
It can be shocking sometimes, dear readers to realize that in the hectic, hate-filled hubbub of our daily lives we can forget the myriad wonderful opportunities to whip out our firearms and insert those horrific tools into an already strife-filled world. Let’s face it: every day  there are times we Alt-ers could use some reminders about times, places, and situations in which–especially in states with open carry laws–we can produce our beloved guns that we cling to like pacifiers to assuage the fragile-but-massive egos that have convinced us that everyone, especially the “Deep State,” is out to get us. With Shotgunist, you can get such action-oriented prompts. Shotgunist sends you a push notification–with your permission, of course–at random times to call you to your overtaxed, overextended mind given it’s small, limited cognitive scope due to your membership in the rightist cultural convent., ways to bust a cap in the ass of the local community–wherever you are. Who knows where and when in this crazy, mixed-up world–made crazier and more mixed-up by President Donald Trump–you’ll be at any given moment as you live your dishonorable, reactionary lifestyle–life happens, after all, when you’re busy making other political-abasement-and-Trump-supporter-appeasement best-laid plans.
That’s where a helpful reminder from Shotgunist comes in to save the Alt-day and help you dismantle the fragile social contract of this democratic, progressing-toward-the-egalitarian-European-model society we’re members of. This app, developed by a tech startup funded by right-wing savior Rebekah Mercer, the wicked witch of right-wing politics, whose political motivations no one can figure out, causes informative windows to pop up on your digital device to point out a way you could use the gun that it and I know is on you in the moment For example, Shotgunist might remind you to brandish your weapon at a pair of African-American men having a conversation in their front yard. Or this must-have software could call to mind the oddly easy to forget to simply flash the heat you’re packing by pushing back your blazer a little to show you’ve got an instrument of death pressed up against your love handles. Shotgunist might even re-apprise you of the awesome fact that there are gun-related merchandise stores all around you, just waiting for you to enter and spend up a global-warming-induced storm therein.
OppressionObserve
This indispensable app makes use of facial recognition technology to identify women and minority groups you encounter as you go about your day, Because our readers are necessarily members of the hard-line conservative community like all of us here at SYRW , we know you’ve inadvertently passed up an opportunity to be an asshole to a member of a minority group who’s unfortunately but inevitably come into our lives in this too-mixed-up-ethnoreligious, it-takes-all-kinds-but-we-rightists-will-never-accept-that society we live in in the U.S.A of 2018.
There was the hard-working Venezuelan-origin maid at the hotel you stayed in when you attended the Conservative Political Action Conference in Baltimore earlier this year that you forgot to give a dirty look and mutter an ethnic slur at as you passed by her in a hallway. Then you had the misfortune of coming across that innocent African-American teenager walking down your street and oh-so-fairly assumed was there to rob your house in the lily-white, no-Jews-allowed neighborhood you call homeland, but in your panic, ironically, you neglected to call the police on him for doing absolutely nothing wrong. And I’d be remiss not to remind you of that synagogue you drive by on your way to work, the desecration of which with spray-painted swastikas you haven’t been able as yet to work into your hate-spreading Alt-plot. All of these oversights are a thing of the non-Trumpian past, readers. After you download OppressionObserve, you enter some basic personal information into the app, grant it access to all your email and social media accounts, and allow your digital device’s GPS to track your whereabouts throughout the day. Just as non-creepy as a Roy Moore campaign rallly! OppressionObserve muddles, mixes, and mingles all this info, then targets social-injustice action-items for you when it sense you’ve had a run in with a woman or minority group-member. Talk about a life-saver–well, for you. For others it’s a life-ruiner.
SuperficialScanBot
And: Join us as we climb Mt. Votersuppression!
Carter Page Consulting, the nefarious, sketchy tech firm that made this app used a highly advanced semantic algorithm to create a one of a kind software that does for you the muddled, mistaken, and misled “thinking” we on the right make endless and extensive use of in our anti-progressive pursuits. As such, SupercialScanBot makes uncritical, shallow apprehension of online information super-easy. It picks and chooses random rhetorical points in already flawed, fallacious right-wing “news” stories and their epic fails at long-form argument. It makes even less valid the shamelessly distorted, improperly sourced, spuriously argued, logically fallacious, and rhetorically unsound reasoning of right-wing “news” and “information” sites by picking and choosing arbitrary points to extract from the information dreck, drivel, and downright claptrap on the conservative Web. It then presents them for you in bulleted lists, the favored data presentation method for people across the political spectrum, not that we assign validity to the discourse offerings of anyone besides our challenged intellectual ilk on the right of it. Now that’s so much easier, which is a big plus given the glut of landfill-extracted anti-information on the right-wing Internet.
Oooh–I know the feeling you’re having right now! If I know my right-wing tech lovers, it’s that electrifying feeling–pun intended–that you’ve just gotta try these new mobile applications I’ve alerted you to. You’re filled with the hope that these tech developments will make your life, in some oh-so-Republican way, better, more satisfying, improved overall. Then you get to watch the icons for those apps go from dimly blurred to sharply focused as the downloads to your mobile devices completes. The apps are bright and clear on your device then, and a sad, soul-you-barely-have-cuz-you’re-right-wing realization will dawn on you, traveling down your being on a horrible, devastating path of corporeal understanding.
Your life is never, ever going to get better until you stop fixating on your political misperceptions and figure out what’s really going on in the world, ultimately abandoning the reprehensible world of both mainstream Republican and more hardcore politics. That would involve fashioning a new personal political philosophy that will only come when your mind is open, receptive, and flexible enough to allow for new understanding. Until then, your life will continue on it’s slow march to a place total irrelevance and meaninglessness as you join the ranks of the disaffected and ineffective members of contemporary society, But, hey, it’s fun to get new stuff on your phone or tablet!
Until next week, readers, remember: the rightist revolution is being digitized.
Also: Living the Alt-dream of self-employment.
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